summary:

TITLE: Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel
AUTHOR: halfofone
RATING: PG13
CODE: Buffy/Tara
FEEDBACK: Constructive feedback welcome.
NOTES: This is set in season six. It is a more cheerful fic than the eps in
season six might warrant. No need to say that really, 'cause amputation of
your leg without an anaesthetic would be a more cheerful experience than most
of season six!

disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER: BTVS is the property of Mutant Enemy. I am just playing with
their dolls.

warnings:

Warning: This story includes same sex relationships between women. If you are offended by this or it is illegal where you live or you are underage then please read no further.
SPOILERS: Probably. Anything from seasons one to six is fair game.

Full warnings, credits and disclaimers can be found in the contents page and chapter 1.

credits:

ARCHIVING: If you want ... I would quite like to know where.

text:

== Chapter 3 ==

She looks older. Which is strange as it has only been two days - not even that - I decide it must be the torchlight.

"Hey. It is you. I mean it really is you."

I say this partly for something to say to fill the awkward silence and partly because I want her to tell me that she is really her and not some brain-washed wizard's sidekick or magical floozy.

"Yes. I'm me."

This doesn't actually get us anywhere and the silence returns as we stare at each other.

"So... erm...what's the what then?" I watch her face. She's giving nothing away so I prompt. "Tara, I'm just a bit confused - don't we normally save the innocent?" I point with my chin at the four girls cowering against the wall. She shrugs and makes a cute little face.

"They're not so m..much with the innocent. The animals are innocent though...mostly I think."

Silence again.

I decide to try again. "We were worried about you..."

"I know. I'm sorry but I wish you hadn't come. I'm not in any danger."

"You could have let us know... Willow is out of her mind."

Tara jumps and looks nervously at her companions. She glances back to me, her face sort of trembles and scrunches up uncomfortably - no rabbit facing down headlights ever looked more stricken. Tara Maclay, the worst liar ever, is going to lie.

"I... didn't want to... I mean I couldn't... you know ... hey underground... and no phones... here...and I've been really busy."

"Busy?" I query and allow a touch of sarcasm to enter my voice. "You have a job here now?" She nods at least I think she nodded - I was distracted by the shuffling feet and flapping hands. "That was fast. Abducted one day, gainfully employed the next. I hope the pay is good."

"I do have a job actually. No pay though." She smiles weakly at me, trying to be reassuring. "Reversing animal transformations is slow work... and questioning the prisoners." I don't feel reassured.

"You have a job as an interrogator?"

It doesn't sound very likely. Tara must be reading my mind.

"I know that doesn't seem like me. But I'm quite good at it. People just seem to tell me things..." Tara shrugs and smiles shyly which is the most normal thing I've seen. She doesn't look evil or under some weird mind control. I feel a little less anxious.

"I guess that makes sense. You're easy to talk to - I can see that - and perceptive. You know all my dark secrets after all..." I smile too and the tension eases.

"N..not so dark... B..Buffy." She blushes suddenly as though she has just had an embarrassing thought. "Hey! Do you want to get out of here?"

"I have a choice?"

"He doesn't want you. You're not who he's looking for."

"Who is he looking for Tara? He's kind of on my turf and I know it's wrong of me but I don't really like to share. If there's some big bad here then that's my business."

She cuts in.

"Merlin watches for dark magic vortexes forming in the magical ether. Then he and his champions follow until they track the source. Usually a coven are responsible, sometimes just one person, an especially powerful witch or a warlock. In the last four months, he's tracked a vortex to its origin in Sunnydale. It's a big one Buffy. Merlin says he hasn't seen one this large for five hundred years."

"Merlin... you're on first name terms with the guy now!"

"Not really Buffy. He only has the one."

"Too cool for two names I guess. Am I the only super-hero with two names?" I sneer. Tara looks patient and I mumble "well I have issues too... so he's magical storm chaser guy."

"Kinda. I really think we should talk about this somewhere else." She looks around anxiously and then stares pointedly at the captive girls but somehow I get the feeling that she's not all that keen on having a discussion in front of the suited goons who are still watching me very carefully. The girls are whimpering. I feel sorry for them.

"Are they the cause of the vortex thingy?"

"No. They're just a small time extortion coven, working over local businesses for payoffs. You know - 'pay up or we'll turn your staff into rabbits or m..make your nose turn blue'. They've had their memories wiped and they're gonna be rehabilitated. Merlin has a program in several towns far away from any hellmouths or mystical convergences."

A magical protection racket - only in Sunnydale I muse. "So does he know who he's looking for?"

Tara frowns worriedly and shakes her head. "Not really. Would you like a coffee?" She changes the subject and I take the hint.

"Yeah that would be great - but I need to call Willow and Dawn, let them know..."

Tara nearly jumps out of her skin. "No!" she half shouts and then in response to the puzzled looks bearing down on her (even the witchy mafia stop crying for a moment) adds more moderately "I m..mean you can, l..later... after coffee." She looks at me pleadingly.

"Okay but I don't want to leave it too long. They're really worried about you and really angry with me. I thought Willow was going to turn me..."

"Buffy!" Tara shrieks unexpectedly and throws her arms around me. "Sorry baby. It's just so nice seeing you - I just want to get you alone. I've missed you baby." Surprised I hug her back and then, awkwardly mindful of Tara's note and her declaration of love, start to push her away.

"Tara?" I query as the blonde clutches me tighter and presses her face against me.

"Don't mention Willow," Tara whispers vehemently in my ear. To the goons she just smiles and mutters almost inaudibly "Didn't want to embarrass her...see Buffy's my girlfriend sort of...we would appreciate a little privacy now."

The suits look disdainful and I definitely get the feeling that they do not approve of Tara's display. I'm not sure I approve either - Tara is holding me quite tightly and I have an odd feeling somewhere in the region of my abdomen that is not normally associated with being hugged by a girl.

"As you wish Miss Maclay" says the sharp suit. He and the not so sharp suit trundle off down an unmarked corridor, no doubt on their way to chisel their jaws or press their suits or whatever it is bodyguards or secret servicemen do in their off time.

Tara releases me but keeps hold of my hand. The odd abdominal feeling doesn't go away - note to self - give up anchovies. She leads me towards the open door. We walk hand in hand down a stone corridor for a few yards and climb up a circular stone stairwell - it's amazing how many ancient stone dungeons there are in California.

Tara reads my mind again. "Decor's a bit AD 500 Castles and Gardens. I think the Dark Ages was a comfortable period for him." She finally releases my hand. I smile and notice she's blushing. There's definitely a conversation that we haven't had hanging in the air.

A couple more acres of stone and we enter a circular, high-ceilinged room that continues the 'Adventures of Robin Hood' look. The room is mostly lit by wall torches and a large open fire though a little daylight shoots through two very narrow windows high on the walls. A couple of brown fur rugs that howl (at least at one time they howled) medieval are spread on the stone flags. I notice that Tara carefully walks around them. A four poster bed hung with pale cream linen drapes dominates the room. It's the only vaguely comfortable looking item of furniture.

Apart from the bed, the only places to sit are a heavy dark wooden monstrosity, large enough to accommodate a man in full armour and a small wooden footstool. The other piece of furniture present is a huge wooden chest of drawers covered in strange carvings.

"I haven't really made it a home yet," Tara says quietly taking in my ill-disguised disapproval.

"Yet? You're thinking of staying here!" I exclaim angrily. "What the hell Tara? This is crazy."

"Buffy please calm down. Shut the door and let me explain."

Biting my lip I obey, swinging the heavy wooden door shut on huge hinges. It closes silently.

"Sit over there."

Tara points to the bed. She has sat herself on the huge wooden chair which makes her look tiny, like a doll. I comply and slump down on the edge of the bed only to find that it's not nearly as soft as I had hoped and I yelp. The mattress seems to be stuffed with rocks. So far this has not been a good day. First I lose Tara and spend several hours of my life watching Willow sprinkling smelly herbs over a rat. Then I get hauled through liquified earth, in the process ruining more items in my rapidly diminishing wardobe, just to find that Tara not only doesn't need rescuing but has joined a rival team and seems to have been promoted to trusted sidekick and now I have a bruised ass to go with my bruised ego. I am a tetchy slayer.

"So explain," I grunt tetchily.

"Willow..." says Tara hesitantly.

"Yes I'm getting she has something to do with this. Could be the way you jump on me whenever I mention her name."

"Did Willow ever explain why we split up?"

"Tara I don't really have time for relationship stuff..."

"She used magic on me. Against me. To make me forget an argument we'd had."

I stare at the blonde witch. "Will wouldn't... I mean she would never hurt... I'm sure she thought..."

"She thought it was for the best? Is that what you're going to say? B..Buffy I love Willow and I know she wouldn't mean to hurt me but she did. She assaulted me Buffy."

"That's a little strong Tara."

"Is it? Would it be okay if one of your boyfriends slipped you a roofie. Would that be okay?"

"No. It wouldn't. But this is Willow. She did a wrong thing Tara but she's so sorry - I mean she hasn't told me why you left but she is really beating herself up over it. I've never seen her in such pain. There is no way she would do it again."

"Buffy she can't help herself."

"What do you mean?" I feel a chill.

"Her magic use is like an addiction. She can't stop. She is using it more and more and it's getting darker. That's why we fought. I wanted her to give it up for a while, stop using it for small things even but she wouldn't. Couldn't."

"Tara, I don't understand what you're saying..."

"She is powerful Buffy," Tara interrupts softly and there is pain in her gentle blue eyes. "Think about it. She was able to battle a hell-god; she's mastered telepathy; she even brought you back from the dead; She couldn't do those things without extraordinary power and she's totally self-taught. Those feats needed great darkness... maybe it's all m..my fault...when she battled Glory, tried to take revenge for me, all that hate..."

I can see Tara is rambling a little now but a great neon sign begins to flash above my head as I realise where she is going with this.

"You think that Willow is the source of the magical storm that brought Merlin and his flunkies here."

Tara looks down and nods.

There is silence.

Tara and I are really beginning to get the hang of these silent moments. They're hardly even awkward now. So there's a mostly non-awkward silence while I try and understand what this means. What this means for my family and friends.

"Willow's the big bad" I say experimentally trying out the words. It doesn't sound plausible.

"Not yet," Tara corrects me. "M..maybe together we can stop her."

"I can't slay Willow," I protest.

"No you can't Buffy but Merlin can and if we don't prevent her becoming evil then he will."

"I have to warn her," I say firmly, standing up. Tara's face becomes even sadder. In fact her whole body language is sucking the happiness from the room like an emotional black-hole.

"Do you think I haven't tried," Tara says very quietly. "She won't listen to me."

"You've talked to her about this! When?"

Tara is clearly bemused by my bemusement. "You don't know - I mean I called last night! About five minutes after Merlin cleared me of dark magic use. I called her..."

No way I can believe this. "But she would have told me! I didn't get back home 'til this morning. She sent me out looking for you. She spent hours transforming a rat."

"She transformed a rat!"

"Short version - I thought it was you. It wasn't. Nice girl once she calmed down - nothing to do with Merlin though. Do you think many rats in Sunnydale are actually humans?" Tara raises an eyebrow and I cough and try to focus. "Umm... back to Willow - Tara, she was worried sick. Why would she lie..." I stop and stare at Tara. "Unless she wanted me to find you."

"Or she w..wanted you to find Merlin."

I sit down again abruptly on the bed and grunt at the discomfort. "Ouch! This mattress is harder than Giles' head and even lumpier - how do you sleep on it?"

"Who said anything about sleeping?" Tara says with some feeling.

"Oooh! Do you have something to confess Miss Maclay?"

Tara blushes adorably. "No. Nothing to confess. Just bruises...I don't mean sexy bruises...just from the lumps...in the bed..."

I fake a disappointed grimace. "So no wild sex amongst the warlocks and witches..." She shakes her head and tries to hide behind her fringe. I can't resist.

"I should hope not now you're introducing me to everyone as your girlfriend."

Tara blushes an even deeper shade. "I was j..just trying to stop you talking about W..Willow."

"Why didn't you just kiss me? That's a great silencer."

Tara just looks at me and bites her trembling lip. I realise that she is actually upset.

"D..don't tease me Buffy."

"Sorry. I didn't mean...did you not mention coffee some time back?"

Tara recovers herself enough to say "Sure. There's a machine close by." She gets to her feet as I ponder the strangeness of finding a coffee machine in Braveheart central. "It's kind of a strange medieval coffee machine though," Tara adds with a small grin. She giggles and then blushes.

"This I need to see," I assert and hold out my hand to her. She looks at it and starts to reach for it but then drops her hand quickly, reminding me again of the awkwardness between us. She turns away towards the door. I have to deal with this.

"Tara. Wait. We need to talk. About feelings. Your feelings." There's another silence but this one is full-on awkward. Tara stands looking away from me, her arms wrap defensively around her own body. I push myself off the concrete mattress and stand behind her.

"It's okay Buffy. There's no problem...I'm fine. I don't expect anything." She sounds as though she is about to cry.

"That's not a 'no problem' voice" I disagree. "So I'm correct in thinking that your postscript to the note meant what it said..." Silence and her arms wrap even more tightly round herself as though trying to hold herself together. "You love me not in a friend way," I continue to probe. The silence continues. "Tara." I touch her arm and she jumps. "It's okay. I'm not going to freak."

"No it's not okay," she whispers. "I shouldn't have told you. I really didn't expect to see you again Buffy or I wouldn't have, ever. I'm sorry. I couldn't bear to think that you would never know that you were loved."

"That's fucked up."

She turns to stare at me, her cheeks blotchy and tear-stained. She's shocked.

"That's fucked up." I say again. "You want me know how you feel but only if you're going to die!"

"I didn't want you to feel..."

"Feel what? Sorry for you?" I query roughly. She flinches.

"I didn't want this" she throws back at me, almost angry. "I didn't want awkwardness and arguing and questions and yes I didn't want your pity. You're straight and it's like the most basic mistake any gay girl can make, to fall for an unobtainable straight girl especially a nice one."

"Maybe not so nice," I counter.

She gives a short disbelieving laugh. "Buffy you are maybe the kindest, most honourable person I have ever met. You define nice."

I decide to ignore that - nice is just so far from how I've felt for months. "What about Willow? Does she know about...this?" This thought has bothered me quite a lot since I read Tara's note - what if I contributed to their breakup. Another Buffy disaster in the making.

Tara is meeting my eyes now - hers are soft and tear-filled. She is earnestly explaining.

"I was attracted to you from the beginning Buffy but no more than that - not while I was with Willow. I always knew that it was capable of becoming a full-scale crush but I didn't let myself think about it. When Willow did what she did...I guess I looked to you for comfort. I felt we had both suffered and I blamed Willow for your pain too. You needed a friend and Goddess knows I did. It wasn't a big jump to love."

"You've certainly been thinking about this." This comes out snippier than intended. She nods resignedly.

I don't feel happy about her explanation. It seems dangerously like it was my fault if only because Tara was able to substitute me for Willow so readily.

"It wasn't your fault we broke up Buffy. Our problems had nothing to do with you. I mean I still love Willow and no-one can replace what she meant to me but she needs help that I can't give her."

"How do you do that?"

Tara just looks at me, obviously not knowing what I am talking about.

"You always know what I am thinking - except this time of course - but mostly."

"You are very open Buffy."

"So know me as 'open-book Buffy'. I always thought I was mysterious and deep...kind of."

She smiles tiredly. "Well then I guess I spend too much time thinking about you, w..watching you...worrying about you... I used to know what Willow was thinking but she grew away from me and I couldn't reach her."

So neatly she brings us back to Willow.

"Why didn't you tell me about Willow before. I could've talked some sense into her - you know that Willow got us all into magical trouble awhile back, just before she met you I think, and nearly joined d'Hoffryn as a vengeance demon..."

"I know. She told me about it - she thought it was funny."

"So did I...afterwards. Willow was so guilty - She made cookies every day for about four weeks. Xander got this little gut..."

"But it wasn't funny Buffy. It's who she is or who she could be."

"You're being over-dramatic."

Tara is angered by this. She steps back a little to a safe distance - somehow we had come closer and closer together. "Do you think d'Hoffryn doesn't know whom to choose as a vengeance demon? That he doesn't recognise potential?"

"Like he has some sort of job aptitude test? That's piffly Tara. He just picks on vulnerable women who have been cheated on or mistreated."

"Lots of women are cheated on Buffy. They don't all get invited to be vengeance demons. I'm a witch, like Willow, but we understand witchcraft differently. For me it's something I was b..born to, a gift, a curse sometimes, that I have to honour and treat with respect. For Willow it's like a game that she's discovering, one of those computer games with levels and power-ups. On each new level she can find new powers and has new foes to overcome."

"I know that feeling a little..."

"...but you don't enjoy it," Tara interjects and shakes her head. "Willow is like Faith."

That is too much for me. I step closer, agitated and gesturing and over-emphatic.

"No she's not. Faith's an evil uber-bitch who hurts people for fun." Talk of Faith always pisses me off. She's like this big failure that lurks around me like a bad hair-cut and now the woman who professes to love me is telling me that my best friend and my worst enemy are alike. I know I'm scowling but Tara is not intimidated.

"F..Faith is a damaged neglected unloved child without family or friends who was handed enormous power and then somehow expected to turn into a d..decent reasonable human being without any help from anyone. For you slaying is a duty and often a burden; for Faith it was a wonderful game where for the first time in her life she was always the winner - just like Willow who went from class geek to super-cool Wicca - and they have both become addicted to the power and the game. Neither knows when to stop."

That's the longest speech I have ever heard Tara deliver but I'm still scowling. See that's the reason I really hate Faith: everyone always makes me feel guilty about her because I didn't look after her and save her from her skanky self. Somehow that badly-dressed big-mouthed slut is my fault. Yeah I do have a problem with her.

"Do you have a crush on her too?" I snap childishly. A faint grin appears on Tara's face. She takes my hand and starts to rub the back of it gently.

"You couldn't help Faith and I can't help Willow."

"Honestly? I didn't want to help Faith but I do want to help Willow and I am not going to give up on her whatever you say."

Tara drops my hand.

"You think I don't want that too! I loved her more than life but that wasn't enough for her. When I left her I felt like the biggest failure that ever lived. She is the most wonderful person but watching her sliding towards the Hellmouth and not being able to stop it was too hard."

"You should have talked to me Tara."

The blonde witch nods sadly.

"I should have I guess but you weren't in great shape yourself Buffy and I just couldn't make things worse for you. I also kind of hoped that my leaving would be what she needed to pull it together."

"What the hell do we do?"

I feel frustrated. Stopping evil is usually so straightforward even if it is inhumanly powerful and apocalypsy. I kill the demon of the week. The evil ends. It's all about the slaying. Willow is my best friend. 'So what?' says a little hard slayer voice inside my head. 'You loved Angel and you killed him. You even killed yourself. Death is your gift. It's what you bring.' Thankfully Tara breaks in and interrupts my murderous inner slayer pep-talk.

"I think you should go home. Try and persuade her to talk to Giles. I know he was worried about her magic use. He wanted her to get some formal training in England but she wouldn't leave Sunnydale."

"Because of you."

"Because of you. When you died she wouldn't accept it. She wouldn't leave you in some hell dimension. I don't know why she was so convinced that's what had happened but I've never seen anyone so focused...it made me kind of jealous...and she master-minded the slaying too, kept saying she didn't want you to come back to a big old mess. She took charge of us and we performed miracles. Apart from the slaying she studied magic, researched resurrection, learnt enough robotics to fix the Buffy-Bot, looked after Dawn and Spike, comforted Giles and Xander. She was amazing: strong, caring, tireless but there was such a cost - she was relying on magic to get her through the mundane stuff and then she needed it to keep the miracles coming. She changed, became harder. I don't know what she did as the final element of the resurrection spell but whatever it was I know it was bad. She stopped talking to me about it."

"Great," I mutter dejectedly. Willow's problems are all my fault. Tara is watching me closely. She takes my hand again, her thumb slowly circles over the back.

"I say again, it's not your fault Buffy. She was so sure she could do it and we all wanted her to be right. We all wanted you back so much. Me included." Tara gives my hand a squeeze and tries to smile. I try to smile back. Neither of us does a good job I think.

"So I go home and try and talk Willow into visiting with Giles. What are you going to do?"

"Stay here. Transform rabbits. Keep watch. Give you a heads up. Pray to the Goddess that you get her away from here."

"I don't want to leave you alone here."

"I'll be okay. Merlin is a good man and I am in no danger."

"Even if he finds out about Willow and your relationship."

Tara's certainty wobbles visibly but she still manages a half-smile.

"I'll be fine."

"Come with me."

"I can't. She'll know how I feel. It might be dangerous for her and for everyone else."

"What do you mean?"

"She'll sense my feelings...about you. Now you know and she'll be able to sense the connection."

"Umm Tara...she may know already."

"You showed her the note?"

"I had to..." I start to justify myself but apparently I don't need to as Tara interrupts.

"Of course you would...why am I so stupid? Stupid and selfish and immature and stupid...I should never..."

"It's okay. Calm down. I don't think she thought that much about it - I mean it could have just been sisterly type love right?" Our eyes meet and I know one thing for sure, Dawn has never looked at me like that. The funny wanting feeling in my abdomen is back and other body parts are also sitting up and taking notice. Even my fingertips are tingling. I want to touch her face, feel her skin, stroke her hair. And, this is getting crazy, I want to kiss her.

Tara drops her eyes.

"I d..don't think Willow is that...dumb."

She looks at me again and there is fire in her blue eyes. Her breasts are rising and falling in sync with her deepening breathing. My own is rough and unsteady, I've felt less puffed after fighting nests of vampires however I'm the slayer and action is my thing so I act. One step forward. Not much action but my limbs are only barely obeying me.

Tara steps forward shakily so we are only inches apart, I can feel her warmth. We are staring at each other fearful and wanting. The yearning in my lower stomach has refocused as a taut need. Very slowly I reach out to take each of her hands in mine. She pulls slightly and I have to tighten my grip to hang on.

"You can't..."

"I can't what?"

"Want this," and she bends the last few inches to graze my lips with hers before raising her head to stare into my eyes again.

"Oh I want," I growl and wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her lips back down to mine.

tbc