Mystery Series Theater 3000

Season 3

Enterprise - The Prequel

Wyld's Notes: With the end of Voyager there has been some growing pains. While that is no excuse for my absence in writing I may have found a solution... a co-author. I'll introduce them once I learn how they wish to be credited, but hopefully with some fresh input I will be able to kick these experiments out with more regularity. Still no promises, but a goal is one every 1-2 months instead of the 3-4 moths I seem to be averaging. Needless to say, I thank you all for your patience. Another change for the end of Voyager is that I am expanding the MSTing material. Like in this episode I am going to riff Berman's TV Guide interview about the new series, and if my nose is right the series itself will be sharp cheddar. I still don't want to restrict myself so I am inviting you the readers to make suggestions. Paramount press releases for their Vegas atrocity, fanfic that has a new character you KNOW if the author's avatar, anything that is both Trek, and laughably bad. I'll crack the jokes, you do the laughing. Just send to . As a final note I am making some changes, not to the crew of Voyager, but things like the theme song, and what the crew will be doing now that Earth is not an option.

Disclaimer: This is not a challenge to anyone's rights what so ever. Though I do reserve to anything I personally create as private intellectual property I make no profit from this and I never will. The only thing I get is the joy of knowing I made people laugh. While some people may not get the jokes that's to be expected, they can't all be gold and people have different tastes. This work does however contain a romantic relationship between two females that is expressed in a non-graphic manner. If you think that is just not funny then just leave the story and leave the site and find something more to your tastes.

(Sung to the love theme from Mystery Science Theater.)
It was the end of Voyager.
They had finally made it home.
Then they saw what awaited them,
And chilled them to the bone.
Then they took a good look at their fate,
And decided to run before it was too late.
Now on the ship that was their real home,
They cruise across the universe to see where they would roam.
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Janeway: "I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager."
Chakotay: "All hands brace for impact!"
Doctor: "Just consider me your chaperone."
Harry: "Hi, my name's Harry "read-me-like-a-book" Kim."
Paris: "Captain Proton to the rescue!"
Tuvok: "Both must resolve their Pon Farr before it kills them."
Seven: "You are strong, you will make an excellent mate!"
B'Elanna: "So would this be considered our second date?"

{The bridge of Voyager stands empty of its normal crew. Instead the obviously confused Mike and the Bots are looking around.}

Mike: "What the?..."
Gypsy (her tube now coming from the wall): "We appear to be on the Federation Starship Voyager."
Mike: "I can see that, but where's the rest of the crew?"
Gypsy: "All crewmembers are accounted for by ships sensors."
Tom: "You can read ships sensors?"
Gypsy (sarcastic): "No, it was just a lucky guess."
(Tom huffs as Crow interrupts.)
Crow: "Is Seven here?"
Tom: "Yes! Is she?"
Mike (butting in): "Ummm, Mike Nelson to Captain Janeway?"
Janeway (over a commchannel): "Mike? Where are you?"
Mike: "Well, I'm on the bridge, your bridge."
(The doors to the conference room open and Voyager's bridge crew exits.)
Janeway: "Mike? What are you doing here?"
Crow & Tom: "It's HER!"
(Crow and Tom rush for Seven of Nine and she hides behind B'Elanna.)
Mike: "I don't know what to tell you Captain. One second we were on the Satellite of Love and the next we were here."
Tom: "My technology is obviously superior and I am presenting myself for assimilation."
Crow: "Nah uh! He's still running Windows. My technology is FAR superior I am far more worthy."
Chakotay: "Were you transported?"
Tom (running into Crow): "HE still is dial up. I am running on a cable modem. My technology is closer to perfection."
Crow (running into Tom): "Window Washer!"
Tom (running into Crow): "56K!"
(Tuvok restores order by picking up a bot in each hand and holding them arms length apart. After doing so he arches his brow at Mike.)
Mike (hurrying over and taking the bots): "I'm sorry Captain."
Janeway (smiling): "Don't worry about it. I've had my own problems with disobedient crewmembers."
(The rest of the bridge crew blushes to varying degrees.)
Janeway: "Well, maybe now we can figure out why you're here. Harry, hail Pearl."
(The view screen comes to life showing the inside of the Widowmaker titling like the Enterprise did in the original series when under attack.)
 Pearl: "Kinda Busy!"
Janeway: "Who's attacking you?"
(Pearl nods to Bobo and the shot changes to an exterior showing the VW Van the Widowmaker being shot at by the Satellite of Love.)
Janeway: "Hail the Satellite of Love."
(The bridge of the Satellite of Love comes to life showing Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank.)
Mike, Tom, Crow, Gypsy (Cambot just shakes with fear): "DR. FORRESTER!"
Dr. Forrester: "I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! And now that I have the power of the author's nostalgia, the universe shall soon be mine!"
Mike: "Wait a minute! How did you get back and when did the Satellite of Love get weapons?"
Dr. F: "My Starbaby state was reawakened by the author's nostaliga, and poof! Here I am!"
Frank: "Here WE are. The author's nostalgia brought me back from sidekick nirvana."
Tom: "Oh great!"
Mike: "But what about the weapons?"
Dr. F: "The Satellite of Love has always had an impressive weapons array. Frankly I was surprised you never found it. Now, your experiment today..."
All (on the bridge of Voyager): "Our experiment!"
Dr. F: "Yes, breaking your wills is still an essential part of my plans of galactic domination, but until Mother is taken care of I'll have to subject you to the same experiment, but I have a feeling Mr. Berman shall give enough pain to go around."

{Red alert signals and the bridge empties into the turbolift, Gypsy being the only one left she drapes herself over the Captain's chair and lets out a contented sigh.}

{In the theater the crew attempts to take their normal seats, but they are left shuffling around to accommodate Mike, Tom and Crow. It ends up being The Doctor at the far right, then Harry, Paris, Tuvok, Chakotay, Janeway, B'Elanna and Seven. Then the Satellite of Love crew sits as normal with Crow to the right then Mike and Tom.}
Crow: "I get to sit by Seven!"
(B'Elanna stands up and Crow cowers, but she grabs the arm rest between her and Seven and yanks it out, making a sort of couch for them to lounge in. Sitting back she pulls a smiling Seven into a cuddle.)
B'Elanna (to Crow): "Neener Neener Neener!"
Mike & Janeway: "Are we done?"

{The screen comes to life displaying text.}
Chakotay: "Looks like were just starting."
TV Guide gets the exclusive on UPN's upcoming Star Trek Prequel, "Enterprise".
Paris: "No, TV Guide gets to hand out Paramount's press release."
Tom: "So in other words Paramount's already strip mined the Trek present for every cent they could get."
Including details about the ship.
B'Elanna: "They need a continuity to screw up after all."
The birth of Starfeet technology.
Crow: "With their continuity shouldn't they say the "STILL-birth of Starfleet technology?"
and the down-to-earth Captain.
Janeway (sighing): "I'm not insane, I'm just written that way."
(Chakotay pats her on the back.)
UPN's new fall series Enterprise, starring Scott Bakula as Captain Johnathan Archer,
All: "WHAT?"
Harry (as Al from Quantum Leap): "Sam, you have to stop an otherwise talented actor from destroying what's left of Start Trek."
is the fourth spin-off
Doctor: "More like rip-off."
based on the late Gene Roddenberry's original 1966-69 intergalatic classic Star Trek.
Tuvok: "LOOSELY based."
Tom & Crow (as Beavis and Butthead): "Huhuhuh they said 69."
Seven: "A most enjoyable act."
Mike: "I see things are a little more adult here."
Janeway: "Nothing terrible, right ladies?"
B'Elanna and Seven (in unison): "No Ma'am."
Seven (under her breath to B'Elanna): "We only copulated in here on one occasion."
(Tom and Crow gasp and then faint.)
-and it has already launched as many rumors as there are drones in Borgville.
Mike: "Where is Borgville?"
Seven: "It's where the Collective retired to when they became so non-threatening."
Chakotay: "I'm wondering who's been generating the rumors? Because the fans don't seem to give a damn."
In this exclusive preview...
Paris (as TV Guide): "In this exclusive press release..."
we separate fact from sci-fi
Doctor: "Why do I think that "humor" is a taste of things to come?"
Paris: "You mean lame jokes? Or jokes at the fans expense?"
Doctor: "Lame jokes at the fans expense."
with the shows co-creator and executive producer Rick Berman.
Seven (smirking): "I wonder why they aren't making any references to the other co-creator Brannon Braga?"
B'Elanna (smirking): "I think we're all trying to forget Braga."
Mike: "Now my question is what does an executive producer do?"
Janeway: "Like most executives he passes work on to his underlings, his underlings just happen to be producers."
TV Guide: It's said that Enterprise is different from all previous Trek series-but just how different is it?
Janeway: "Ok, ok one at a time."
Mike (as Berman): "You know that plot nonsense? Well that's out!"
Seven (as Berman): "Remember the women with big breasts? More women! Bigger breasts!"
B'Elanna (as Berman): "And they'll be screwing anything with a pulse, oh and holograms."
Janeway (as Berman): "The story was detracting from the space battles. So that's out too!"
Chakotay (as Berman): "Were setting up a new website so fans can know how we'll be handling characterization from week to week."
Tuvok (as Berman): "We threw out the "Big Book O Trek Plots"... and replaced it with the "Big Book O General Purpose Plots."
Paris (as Berman): "One word, ALIEN BABES. Week after week of alien babes."
Harry (as Berman): "Fights! Big fights! Little fights! Space fights! Fist fights! You name it they'll hit each other with it."
Doctor (as Berman): "And constant references to the few things you'll recognize from the original series... gotta keep milking that cash cow after all."
Tom (waking up): "Of course you know those will all turn out to be true."
(The rest of the crew sighs and Crow wakes up.)
Rick Berman: Enterprise is set in the 22nd century, only 150 years from today.
Janeway: "So in other words it won't be anything we recognize. Just Trek in name?"
After three Trek spin-offs that took place in the 24th century we needed something dramatically different..
Crow: "Like what? A PLOT maybe?"
Doctor: "That would require actual drama."
Harry: "But for that they would need actual writers."
because every time we go forward, we end up with ships that go faster and species that are creepier but we don't really go-as Roddenberry put it- where no man has gone before.
B'Elanna (sighing): "I guess were back to the MEN going exploring and we women stay at home and take care of the kids."
Chakotay (as Berman): "And by going backward we have a whole history to draw on instead of having to write anything new."
Tuvok: "So they are introducing NEW things by going to the past?"
Crow: A REAL writer can tell their story in any world."
Tom: "You mean like "Earth Vs. Soup?"
Crow: "EXACTLY! "Earth Vs. Soup" is a timeless story that fits in any world."
Mike: "Well, Crow's story aside..."
Crow: "Hey!"
Mike: "It's a good point. If you base the value of a story on things like ship speeds you've already screwed up."
B'Elanna: "It's not like you can measure the speeds anyway. I mean on TV, warp, is warp. All they know is the numbers we read off."
Seven: "I wonder how the species they encounter in the 22nd century will be different then they meet in the 24th."
B'Elanna: "They won't be."
Seven: "It's conceivable that the lack of technological innovation could increase the suspense."
Janeway: "You mean like the comparison between the Borg's technological resources and Voyager's?"
Seven: "I see your point."
B'Elanna: "Good story is good story and bad is bad no matter where or when it happens."
For Picard or Sisko or Janeway, space travel and aliens and phaser fights were all just part of the job.
Janeway: "The hell with that!"
Paris: "Captain?"
Janeway: "I didn't just sign on for the paycheck."
Tom: "I thought you got rid of money."
Janeway: "That's not the point... or maybe it is. The point of exploration was to grow and learn, and that was Picard, Sisko and I were doing. We never took it lightly."
There was very little awe.
Chakotay: "I guess that means Sisko took his divine visions in stride."
Crow: "Yep, yep, 0700, staff meeting, 0800, log in for the day, 0900 start speaking in tongues."
Harry: "Of course the way they had us kicking ass on the Collective I can see where they think we took it in stride."
So we wanted to go back to a time when exploration was truly new.
Mike: "Hey Seven, how much of the universe has the Federation explored? Less then half?"
Seven (sighs): "Far less, but does that really matter?"
TV Guide: Give us the scoop on the ship.
Paris (as Berman): "Sleek lines, big engines. It may be ancient, but it's sexier then any ship you've seen."
What's the number?
Tuvok: "Whatever it is I would wager it is in the negatives."
What's the warp drive?
B'Elanna: "What's it matter? Only an engineer would know the difference. I mean travel times eaten up in the commercial break and it takes as long as the plot says it takes."
Janeway: "This however is taking forever. Let's take a break."

{The combined crew stands up as the text freezes on the screen.}

{The arch for holodeck 1 is shown closing on a medieval scene. Seven is seen in a princess style of garb standing on a balcony while Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo are dressed as knights in the courtyard beneath.}
Tom: "Varlot! You dare consider yourself worthy of Seven's love? I challenge you to a duel!"
(Tom then proceeds to flail his arms, which are in fact plastic hands attached to springs.)
Tom: "Well consider yourself slapped!"
Crow: "I accept your challenge!"
(The two robots proceed to duel, which primarily consists of them butting into each other. The arch opens again and B'Elanna walks in wearing her normal uniform. Walking past the battling bots she walks up to the room that the balcony is attached to.)
B'Elanna: "Ummm, what are you doing?"
Seven: "The bots are battling for my affections... I thought it would be amusing to watch."
(Seven then turns and leans back against the balcony, smirking as B'Elanna approaches. Back in the courtyard the arch has opened again and Mike Nelson walks through.)
Mike: "What in Sam Beckett is going on here?"
Tom: "We finally decided to have it out once and for all to see who was worthy of Seven's love."
(Before Mike can speak B'Elanna's uniform jacket comes sailing over the balcony's railing to land in the courtyard.)
Mike: "Boys, that ship has gone to warp."
Tom: "Crow, let it go buddy. Let it go, let it go, and let's go watch."
(The holodeck starts flashing red.)
Mike: "None of that! We have article sign!"
Tom & Crow: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
{It fades out on Mike picking up the bots and carrying them out of holodeck 1.}

{Fading back in on the theater the crews are in their seats except for Seven and B'Elanna. Mike is in the process of yanking knightly arms and armor from Tom and Crow.}
Mike: "Sorry Captain Janeway, B'Elanna and Seven are..."
Paris: "Setting phasers to thrill?"
Janeway: "Tom..."
Harry: "Preparing a species for ASSimilation?"
Janeway: "Harry!"
Chakotay: "Doing the Klingon howl for the horny?"
Tuvok: "Performing the Vulcan bodymeld?"
Janeway: "Tuvok?"
(Everyone looks at the Doctor.)
Doctor: "What?... Oh fine... playing EMH?"
{The text begins scrolling once more.}
RB: The number is NX-01.
Janeway: "So it's the first ship they ever made? Conceivable, but contrived."
It's not a USS Enterprise because there us no Federation yet.
Tuvok: "So it will be more human-centric then ever."
{Seven and B'Elanna hurry in and take their shared seat.}
B'Elanna (out-of-breath): "Well of course Tuvok. You don't think the rest of the universe could get along with out the humans their to guide them."
This Enterprise is a ship from the Earth organization Starfleet, headquartered in San Francisco.
Paris: "Hey! I left my heart there."
Seven: "I believe the writers left their brains there as well."
What we have created is a halfway mark between the engine capabilities...
Doctor: "Does ANYONE here think Gene Roddenberry gauged his stories by engine capabilities?"
B'Elanna: "They slam the fans for knowing all the piddling details, but then they base a whole series on them!"
... in the movie "Star Trek: First Contact" [when humanity first made contact with alien beings]
Tom: "You shouldn't mention good Trek while talking about bad Trek."
Crow: "Didn't they make first contact when Quark crash landed in Roswell?"
Paris: "I think they mean the first established contact."
Crow: "I think they just can't keep their story straight."
... and the time of Captain Kirk.
Harry (as Rick Berman): "Back when Shatner had his own hair."
After almost a century of having the Vulcans patronizing us-
(Everyone looks at Tuvok.)
Tuvok: "Can you blame us? And Vulcan's do not patronize."
during which they were giving us technical assistance at a slow and frustrating rate...
Tuvok: "Considering Earth had just come out of World War 3, I think discretion would be understandable."
Doctor: "But a full century?"
Tuvok: "With the Vulcan life span they would be dealing with the same indiviuals who found them launching a converted nuclear misslle to test their first warp engines."
B'Elanna: "I guess patronizing lesser-developed species is only ok if it's the humans doing the patronizing."
...because they did not feel we were ready to go out into space-
B'Elanna: "Since the age of Kirk led to the war with the Klingon Empire you have to wonder if the Vulcans were onto something.
humans have finally developed an engine that will allow us to go warp 5,
Chakotay: "We developed our on first warp engine and we developed this latest one. So why were we waiting around for the Vulcans? Was Springer on or something?"
which is much more then five times the speed of light.
 Mike (as Berman): "Which is vital to the story since the whole series HINGES on our new warp 5 engine!"
TVG: Early buzz from the set...
Tuvok: "How early could it be? Series five has been in planning for over a year."
...says the Enterprise is more like a submarine then a spaceship.
Chakotay: "I guess we abandoned all previous designs of space ships and based it on a sub."
RB: In the captain's ready room, you can bump your head if you don't watch out.
Janeway: "Any short jokes will earn you a night in the brig."
(Mike, Crow and Tom take a collective breath.)
Janeway: "Whether you are a member of the crew or not."
The beams are that low.
Doctor: "That, or the actors are that tall."
During the design stage we spent some time on a nuclear submarine that was in port.
Tuvok: "Most likely in the brig."
getting a feel for that confined, contained military quarters are like.
Seven (smirking at B'Elanna): "I prefer to think of them as cozy."
(B'Elanna smirks back as Mike clears his throat, which causes the women to look at him.)
Mike: "Ummm... I heard Berman made it official that there will be no gay characters in the next series."
B'Elanna and Seven: "WHAT?"
Mike (looking down): "I heard that Berman made it official that there would be no gay characters in the next series."
Tuvok: "I wonder if there will be any other minorities?"
B'Elanna (scoffing): "RIGHT! There's going to be white guys or stacked blonde bimbos."
(Seven clears her throat.)
B'Elanna (blushing): "You're stacked and you're blonde, but they at least gave you SOME dignity... at least until Unimatrix 0."
But our sets are still something to behold. The bridge has more depth then width-
Janeway: "Men, always focused on size."
Paris: "Like they've ever done anything with depth."
unlike pervious bridges we've seen.
Harry: "Well when the camera angles only show 60% of the bridge 90% of the time that might make sense."
-and it has 80 plasma screens built into it.
Doctor (as Berman): "There's no point to it, it just looks cool!"
In designing the various rooms,
Tom (as Berman): "We focused on meaningless crap while the script withered on the vine."
[veteran Trek production designer] Herman Zimmerman
Seven: "Again with the Zimmerman's."
has worked with some intriguing new spatial shapes.
Crow: "Does that include the giant hole this series is being sucked into?"
-even though the ship is compact, much more like a contemporary submarine or a contemporary space shuttle then the opulent starships we know.
Chaktoay: "I wonder if they spent any time on contemporary space shuttles?"
B'Elanna: "I wonder if they looked back over their own shows to see how they designed ships in the past."
TVG: What about the futuristic gadgetry the fans love so much?
Harry (as Berman): "The who?"
Chakotay (as Berman): "Oh there will be plenty of that. It's a lot easier than writing plots."
RB: The terrific thing about this for longtime fans...
Janeway (as Berman): "The three of them who haven't already left in disgust." that they will get to see the development of all the technological gadgetry and capabilities that have become part of the Trek mythos.
B'Elanna: "You know what that means... transporter accidents, transporter accidents, transporter accidents. Can't come up with a plot? Something breaks down."
Seven: "MY greater concern is that the fans who focus on the technological developments are a minority while the majority are more concerned with plot developments and character interaction."
Mike: "There just SOL."
Seven: "Satellite Of Love?"
B'Elanna (interrupting by laying a hand on Seven's forearm): "No."
They'll see them in their trial and error stages,
(B'Elanna sighs.)
before they end up being what we know them to be.
Janeway (sounding bored): "Fascinating."
Janeway: "Now can we move on?"
Also in placing the series closer to the present it allows us to make the characters more contemporary.
Paris: "In other words the one crew member with a 20th century fetish will be replaced by the entire crew having a 20th century fetish.
We don't have those flawless Roddenberry humans.
Tom (as a French Berman): "Ptooie! I spit on Roddenberry!"
Mike (as TVGuide): "Ummm... but what about Star Trek's bright hopes for the future?"
Tom (as normal Berman): "SHUT UP! I have to think of a way to get Denis Franz to flash his ass."
We have characters who sometimes wear sneakers and jeans.
Tuvok: "So they are saying that Earth fashions will not change over 150 years?"
Paris: "Heck, sneaker designs alone change from year to year."
TVG: Doesn't this retro format limit you to species we already know?
Doctor (as Berman): "Sure, if we cared about continuity."
RB: Absolutely not.
B'Elanna (as Berman): "I mean let's be honest, this stopped being Star Trek around Voyager's 6th season."
In fact there are some species in Enterprise that will have the audience wondering...
Janeway: "Again... one at a time."
Tom (as the audience): "What is this crap?"
Mike (as the audience): "Where did Star Trek go?"
Crow (as the audience): "Why am I watching this?"
Seven (as the audience): "How could they do something like this?"
B'Elanna (as the audience): "What kind of sin could a man commit in a single lifetime..."
Tom: "Ohh... there's an old favorite."
Janeway (as the audience): "I wonder what's on the Sci-Fi Channel?"
Chakotay (as the audience): "I wonder what's on the Weather Channel?"
Tuvok (as the audience): "What were they thinking when they wrote this?"
Paris (as the audience): "What were they smoking when they wrote this?"
Harry (as the audience): "How long till the commercial break?"
Doctor (as the audience): "Have they no shame?"
"Hey, how come we don't know these people by the time the 23rd and 24th century shows roll around?"
Chakotay: "They were lost in an Extinction Level Event... a Paramount plot hole."
Crow: "Now be fair, they make up aliens all the time to add to the Federation, these could have just been in the background."
Chakotay: "Yes, and that would be an acceptable explanation. IF Paramount would use it."
And there will be good reasons for that,
Seven: "Somehow I doubt that."
as we will find out as Enterprise unfolds.
Janeway: "Or the temporal mechanics will give me another head ache."
We have some very eerie themes in this series,
Harry (as TVGuide): "But... but... Roddenberry... bright vision for the future."
Paris (as Berman): "Piss off! Hope doesn't pull in market share!"
specifically with a genetically enhanced race of villains...
Paris: "You mean the insane ones?"
Doctor: "That brings up the question whether or not they will remember to make the genetic enhancements far less then those of the 24th century."
Tom: "Didn't they bring this up in the "Wrath of Kahn?"
Chkaotay: "Like I said, they are going into the past because they have to write less."
...the Suliban
(Janeway lets out a bloodcurdling scream.)
B'Elanna: "No, no SuliBAN with a b."
(Janeway settles back but panting and shaking with fear.)
-who were a relatively unimportant species
Tom: "Probably means there will be ANOTHER species of genetically enhanced humans, other than Kahn's."
Doctor: "So we're begging warp technology from the Vulcan's, but genetic enhancements seem to be available at your corner drug store."
-have gotten very important, very quickly.
Janeway: "Seems a given if you want them to be your villains."
They are being given technical information and assistance-particularly in regards to genetic engineering
Doctor: "Ahh, so there's no need to come up with 22nd century genetic engineering techniques."
-from the distant future,
Chakotay: "So why did they set this in the past then?"
where a temporal cold war is going on.
Mike: "Which the Enterprise will be able to stop with their 22nd century technology."
Tom: "Wouldn't that kind of draw attention? I mean it would be like having a TV in Colonial America... assuming you had electricity."
Harry: "That, and all other time travelers, who would want to avoid damage to the time, must be taking a nap."
Tom: "So you're saying it couldn't happen?"
Harry: "Not on a scale where it could become a threat. Not for several years."
One of the fronts of that was is the 22nd century.
B'Elanna: "So they went to the past to get the awe, and brought the big technology with them."
Tuvok: "So the options seem to be either the Enterprise crew will defeat technology several centuries ahead of their own with out assistance, or a friendly group of time travelers will assist them with people or technology."
Janeway: "Which I'm sure the "imperfect" humans will return right away."
Seven: "That, or they will return it after a dramatic pause."
Crow: "How can you guys be so sure what Paramount will write?"
All (Voyager crew): "Practice."
But whom the Suliban are taking instructions from and for what purpose are things that will remain quite veiled and very spooky.
Paris: "Or they will be drawn out too long, and then beaten to death."
There is a scary horror element to it.
Seven: "After they paired Commander Chakotay and myself I believe both scary and horror are accurate terms to describe their writing."
And a supernatural element.
(Everyone in the theater is stunned.)
B'Elanna: "So a show that has drug its feet to deal with the topic of religion is diving into the supernatural?"
(Chakotay is making strangled sounds.)
Janeway: "Commander?"
Doctor: "It appears that Commander Chakotay has become so enraged that he has lost the ability to speak."
Janeway: "Cause?"
Doctor: "Well come on Captain. How would you feel if your ancestor spirits were made into nice, scientifically explainable aliens, while the next series starts making mentions of the paranormal?"
Janeway: "Understood."
TVG: The look of the Klingons has changed over time. How will you deal with that?
B'Elanna (as Berman): "Same way we deal with any other inconsistency... we ignore it."
RB: We will take creative license.
Tom (as Berman): "Aka, we dug a hole too deep to get out of."
We established the [most recent] Klingon look with Worf on the Next Generation and Deep Space Nine
(B'Elanna clears her throat and Seven smirks as she gives B'Elanna a kiss.)
 and we're going to stick with that.
Crow: "Would that be considered a consistency?"
Mike: "Not much of one, but let's take what we can get."
The Klingons in the last two or three Trek films with Kirk and Spock looked like the Worf-type Klingons, not like the Klingons in the original series.
Janeway: "Ok, let's be honest... The Original Series didn't have half the technical effects available that The Next Generation did. Budgets were tighter and therefore the look was cheaper, even the time period in which it was produced effected it's look. Now when The Next Generation came out no one mentioned it because they realized those facts. It wasn't until Paramount insisted on TOS Klingons for an episode of DS9 that it became and issue."
Tuvok: "So they needed to rewrite history?"
Janeway: "No, just make it up to date with their own effects."
But we'll take liscense with many things.
Seven: "Why stop now?"
Take a look at the computer on the desk of Picard or Janeway.
Paris: "Can we!"
Harry: "Can we huh?"
Janeway: "Boys, you know you can only leave the theater during designated breaks."
B'Elanna: "Yeah and some of the earlier telephone units looked downright delicate. Styles change and so does technology. Even 150 years in the future is 150 years of development."
(Seven gives B'Elanna a more serious hug.)
Seven: "Everything will be ok."
B'Elanna (voice tightening): "Are we reading the same article? No it won't."
(Seven tightens the hug as B'Elanna sniffles.)
They are nowhere near as streamlined as computers you can buy right now in 2001.
B'Elanna (voice still emotional, as Berman): "And they're essentially the same thing after all."
How can we create for Enterprise a communicator even more primitive then Kirk's when Nokia and Morotolla have communicators today that are far more compact and cool-looking then Kirk's ever was.
Harry: "No, they have communicators which have trouble going through a tunnel, while Kirk's had little trouble reaching a ship in orbit."
Paris: "Actually the have CELLPHONES, which were actually inspired by The Original Series communicators."
That said I would like to think most everything about this show is going to be different.
(The collected crews flinch.)
Mike: "Time for another break?"

{Everyone nods and gets up to leave the theater.}

{On the bridge the crew man their stations while Mike & the Bots stand nearby.}

Janeway: "We better find out who's winning. Hail the Satellite of Love."
(The viewscreen comes to life showing the inside of the SOL where Dr. Forrester and his mother Pearl Forrester are engaged in what seems to be a battle to the death. Pearl's hands are wrapped around Dr.F's throat until he manages to get a foot in which let's him kick Pearl back against the wall. Professor Bobo and TV's Frank circle each other wearily looking to get in a slap, or hair pull, in a battle worthy of any schoolyard.)
(On the bridge of Voyager everyone looks at everyone else confusedly, then back at the screen.)
Pearl (grabbing Dr. F by the head and slamming it against a console.): "I brought you into this world, and now I'm taking you out!"
Dr. F (slamming an elbow into her stomach and knocking the wind out of her): "Oh please!"
Frank: "Dr. F!! He's hitting me!"
Dr. F (in the background): "That's the idea... why don't you try hitting him back?"
Frank: "Ohhhhh... ok."
Professor Bobo (getting slapped in the arm by Frank): "Ow! That hurt!"
(Back on the bridge of Voyager Tom Servo and Tom Paris are sitting behind an announcers desk and are wearing identical blazers.)
Tom Servo: "Well Tom, we have ourselves a great couple of fights here today."
Tom Paris: "I'll say Tom. First we have Pearl Forrester vs Dr. Clayton Forrester. While Pearl's got the size advantage..."
Tom Servo (under his breath): "I'd say."
Pearl (off-screen): "I heard that!"
Tom Paris (interrupting): "While Pearl has the size Clayton's got a season or so on her."
Tom Servo: "Not to mention the Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie, Tom."
Tom Paris: "Exactly Tom. So while Pearl's got the physical advantage Clayton outweighs her in experience. Now with TV's Frank and Professor Bobo you would figure that the whole mountain gorilla's strength would decide the match right away."
Tom Servo: "You're right about that Tom, but he just doesn't seem to know how to use it."
(Flashing to the veiwscreen Bobo is seen pulling Frank's hair.)
Bobo (pulling harder): "Do so!... Toms!"
Tom Servo: "Wait a minute! Dr. Forrester's got a chair!"
Tom Paris: "That's not the Dr. Forrester I know!"
Tom Servo (under his breath): "You don't know him very well."
Tom Paris: "Ohhh and Pearl takes the chair right across the forehead! I think this match is over Tom."
Tom Servo: "Maybe not Tom. She's staggered, but she's still on her feet!"
Tom Paris: "The fans are on their feet as well!"
(The camera (aka MST3k's own Cambot) pans the rest of the crew standing around the brige looking rather bored.)
Tom Servo: "The match is over!"
Tom Paris: "Umm... Tom... no it's not."
Tom Servo: "It is for us. We have article sign!"

{Red alert sounds and the shot fades on Tom Paris picking up Tom Servo as he dashes from behind the desk.}

{The shot comes back with the crews taking their seats, Tom Paris carrying in the little red bot Tom Servo and setting him down.}

Paris: "Whew, that was fun."
Tom: "Yeah, but this won't be."
We're dealing with a 22nd century ship, which holds a crew of 70 or 80.
Mike: "Well! Which is it? 70 or 80?"
Janeway: "Voyager held in the range of 140-150, but you saw maybe 10% of that. So what's it matter?"
and is not all sleek, smooth Plexiglas like the ships we've seen before.
Doctor: "Now to be fair, set design can be a crucial element in setting the mood, BUT, like the sets themselves it belongs in the background."
TVG: What does Scott Bakula bring to the party?
Tom: "The keg."
All: "Wooooo."
RB: Scott brings great charm...
(Paris starts snickering.)
Janeway: "Something to say... Ensign?"
Paris (straightening in his seat): "No Ma'am."
... and a laid back quality as Jonathan Archer.
Chakotay: "Is there another role he would be bringing something to?"
Tuvok: "They made Captain Janeway wishy-washy, and now they are making this captain buddy-buddy. I believe Paramount has no notion of the realities of military discipline."
Harry: "Just add it to the list."
He's almost a Han Solo-type...
Doctor (as Berman): "ALMOST like Solo, ALMOST! No rip-offs here!"
Mike (as Berman/Luke Skywalker) "What do you think?"
Crow (as Han Solo): "I try not to kid."
boyish hero,
Seven: "A fortyish, boyish."
which is quite fresh for Star Trek.
B'Elanna: "Fresh being, not seen since Commander Riker type of fresh."
He's nothing like Captain Kirk or the captains I've been involved with.
(The collected crews start loudly clearing their throats.)
He's very down-to-earth,
Doctor: "Ironic, considering the show takes place in space."
not a buttoned-down captain like Picard.
Tom: "Their spending a lot of time trashing all the shows that got them this far, aren't they?"
Seven: "Considering that TV Guide's poll once voted Partick Stewart the sexiest man on TV that Captain Picard could be seen as a winning formula."
Paris: "You read about that?"
Seven: "That surprises you?"
B'Elanna (without taking her eyes from the screen): "You were paying more attention to the sexiest woman winner Cindy Crawford."
(Seven blushes.)
Paris (whispering to Seven): "I don't blame you."
(The blondes share a grin.)
We wanted someone with a really contemporary feel...
somebody who is an exciting and excited human being, someone who is extraordinarily likable.
Janeway: "Well, two out of three ain't bad."
This is the first Trek series with a captain who already has a big following and a big sci-fi following [Bakula starred in the 89-93 series Quantum Leap].
(Stunned silence.)
B'Elanna: "They just came right out and admitted it."
Tom (as Berman): "We're big media whores who would have put a trained chimp in the Captain's chair if it would get us the ratings."
Paris: "So a show that's been off the air for 8 years has a large following?"
Harry: 'Well it was a really good show."
Paris: "Granted, but 8 YEARS? I mean they'll have to be as obsessive as the worst Trekie, if not worse."
TVG: Tell us about the crew.
Crow (as Berman): "White, male or both."
Seven (as Berman): "and nice, NORMAL heterosexuals!"
RB: Charles "Trip" Tucker III...
Mike: "Well that just SCREAMS "white guy."
Doctor: "Actually it screams southern white guy."
is our chief engineer, a bit of a cowboy and the second ranking human on the vessel.
Chakotay: "Now considering the time period I could understand them segregating themselves according to race, but to hear Berman doing the same is rather depressing."
Janeway (patting Chakotay on the shoulder): "This isn't your father's Star Trek. It isn't even Roddenbery's."
Crow: "Think the action figure will come with an optional white sheet uniform?"
Seven: "Dr. Laura must have exercised her stock options."
He has a certain wit and charm...
Tom: "If that's the best they can do to describe it I think it will be an UNcertain wit."
B'Elanna: "Be fair, the actor can only do so much with a Paramount script."
that is disarming even to our Vulcan first officer, T'Pol.
(Tuvok takes a breath to steady himself and the rest give him looks of sympathy.)
Doctor: "T'Pol, or not T'Pol? That is the question."
She is played by Jolene Blalock, who is not only a great actress but also a whole lot of wonderful lady to look at.
Seven (sighing and being pulled into a hug by B'Elanna): "Yes, but will her acting talents be put to use?"
Paris (as Braga/Butt-Head): "Huhuhuhuhuhmhuhuh. Hey baby, wanta beam up?"
Harry (as Berman/Beavis): "Heheheheheheheheh. My phasers set to BOINGGGG!"
B'Elanna (as Berman): "Braga got his Seven of Nine! Now it's my turn!"
TVG: Which is a sore spot with a lot of Web Trekers.
B'Elanna: "Just because someone uses email to send hate mail does not mean they're a Web Treker."
They're having trouble with the concept of T'Pol being the Enterprise version of Seven of Nine.
All (chanting)" We want plot! We want plot! We want plot!"
Seven: "I believe the problem is that Voyager had a Seven of Nine and that show is over. Now "Enterprise" should have it's own unique characters."
Granted, Blalock is a major dish,
Chakotay (as TVG): "Ok, now I feel soiled."
but how sexy can-or should- a stoic, emotionless Vulcan be?
(Everyone looks at Tuvok.)
Tuvok: "It is a perfectly acceptable plot device."
(Everyone does a double take.)
Tuvok: "Once every seven years. So if "Enterprise" would have a similar run as "Voyager" it would be able to have T'Pol be a seuxual being on two episodes."
Tuvok (under his breath): "Hopefully she will not be forced to endure the humiliation of a holodeck."
RB: Well, Kim Catrall...
Crow (sighing): "Kim Catrall..."
(The Voyager crew looks confused.)
Mike: "It's a long story..."
Tom: "About a really bad movie."
(Mike starts to examine an unresponsive Crow, B'Elanna moving to help him.)
was a pretty damn sexy Vulcan...
Tom (as TVG): "Yeah, and she was a sexy mannequin, what's your point?"
[In the 1991 film "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country"], so I don't think we're starting anything new.
Janeway: "Well, one case of precedent versus years of cannon, I'm convinced."
Seven: "There is a difference between sexy, and aesthectially pleasing."
T'Pol is certainly going to be a sensual young woman.
Seven: "And there is the difference."
Doctor: "How young will she be since Vulcan's can live for centuries?"
TVG: In a Vulcan cat suit?
Paris: "Actually we have the costuming department coming up with a Vulcan thong bikini."
RB: Those rumors are not true. She'll be dressed as a Vulcan officer.
Harry (as Berman): "It just happens, that ALL Vulcan officers will wear cat suits."
Chakotay (as Berman): "At least as long as her character stays dressed at least."
TVG: So there's this big Vulcan-Earthling animosity?
(The crew of Voyager looks at Tuvok and the Vulcan arches his brow.)
All (Voyager, except Tuvok): "No, no animosity at all."
RB: Our captain, as well as most of the Starfleet people we'll come to know, does have a certain animosity towards Vulcans.
Janeway: "More accurately, racsim."
Paris: "But in a funny, campy sort of way."
T'Pol being assigned to the ship will cause problems for her human counterparts.
Tuvok: "Like making competence mandatory?"
Harry: "So what they're saying is that a mostly human crew will have to learn to get along will their alien crewmate?"
B'Elanna (looking up from working on Crow): "Yeah, like they did on Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation, and of course, The Original Series."
Chakotay: "But it's in the PAST, so it's different."
Mike: "I don't think Crow's coming out of this one any time soon."
(B'Elanna opens an access panel on Crow and pulls out an isolinear rod.)
Tom: "What'd you do that for?"
B'Elanna: "So there'd be no musical number."
Tom: "Oh... thanks... while you in there..."
Mike (putting his hand over Tom's mouth): "You can try to find out what's wrong with Crow."
B'Elanna: "Oh, I already know what's wrong. it was seeing Kim Catrall's name. Seven had a similar reaction when *I* tried on a cat suit."
(To the side Seven gets a dreamy smile on her face. B'Elanna notices it and smiles before waving her hand in front of Seven's face, but Seven does not respond.)
B'Elanna: "Doctor?"
Doctor: "Let's take a break."

{As the text freezes Mike picks up the dazed Crow while B'Elanna takes the dazed Seven of Nine by the arm and leads her from the theater.}

{Mike and B'Elanna are standing back to back in engineering working on Crow and Seven.}

B'Elanna (seen from the back, working over a prone Seven): "Ok, now to get Seven back in working order I need to relieve the pressure. Now with Seven lying down its going to be that much easier."
Mike (seen from the front working on Crow): "Right... pressure?"
B'Elanna (hands still moving): "Yep, but to do that I need to get it to pop out from its hood."
Mike (nearly dropping a tool): "Its hood?"
B'Elanna (absentmindedly): "Yep, of courses there's usually plenty of lubricant there, but I've never been afraid of getting my fingers dirty, or sticky in this case."
Mike (starting to sweat): "And then?"
B'Elanna: "Then, I need to grip it, sometimes gently, sometimes kinda firm. It all depends on how far along Seven is."
(Mike just nods, and dabs at his brow with a handkerchief.)
B'Elanna: "Now, I have to get a finger inside, but it's a pretty tight fit."
(Mike's eyes are wide, and he's stopped working on Crow.)
B'Elanna: "But once I bring this tool into use it's all over."
(When the tool starts to buzz Mike gasps and turns around to find B'Elanna making a final adjustment to Seven's cortical node, Mike looks disappointed.)
Seven (blinking a few times): "B'Elanna."
B'Elanna (smiling): "Welcome back love."
Seven: "What happened?"
B'Elanna: "I mentioned... when we tried dressing alike and you got lost in the memory."
Seven: "Do you mean when I tried on a Starfleet uniform?"
Crow (suddenly awakening and sitting upright): "HELLO!"
B'Elanna (putting an arm over Seven's shoulders, and shooting Crow a look): "No, the other time."
Seven (smiling, and growing distant): "Oh."
B'Elanna (grinning and shaking Seven gently): "Oh no you don't, I don't want to have to perform that procedure again."
Mike: "Um, ladies? We need to get back in the theater."
(The girls nod and follow as Mike and Crow walk out of engineering.)
Seven (whispering to B'Elanna as they leave): "Will you perform that other procedure once the experiment is over?"
B'Elanna (smiling, her voice soft and seductive): "I'll be sure to grab the tools."

{The doors to engineering shut behind them.}

{The scene reopens on the theater as the text resumes scrolling.}

TVG: Wasn't this character evnvisioned as T'Pau, the younger version of the Vulcan seen in the original series?
Chakotay: "So they can bring back a character from a series some 20 plus years old, but they can't come up with a realistic explanation for the Klingon forehead?"
RB: That's not the case anymore."
Harry (as Berman): "We start giving the fans continuity they'll start expecting it."
TVG: Back to the crew.
Janeway: "Such as it is."
 RB: We have Lt. Cmdr. Malcom Reed-
Paris: "-In the middle."
-played by Dominic Keating- who is a British tactical security munitions officer.
Tuvok (arching his brow): "That title seems rather redundant."
Chakotay: "They might be trying to show the roles aren't integrated yet."
Tuvok: "In an extremely limited crew?"
Malcom is quite proper, rather shy with the ladies,
Harry: "That poor bastard."
brought up in a proper English family,
Tom: "Ok, that's it! I want to see an IMproper English family!"
but is someone who loves to blow things up.
Crow (as Lt. Cmdr. Keating): "Yes, yes, very good... kaboom then."
Seven: "I believe we have found Brannon Braga's influence."
Our communications officer, Hoshi Sato,
B'Elanna (as Berman): "Has disregarded all my talk of no gay characters and is raring to go in all the slash stories she'll star in with T'Pol."
is a young Japaneese...
Mike: "Oh, so THAT'S where that name came from."
... genius linguist.
Seven: "Is she a cunning linguist?"
(Everyone looks at Seven and shakes their heads.)
Seven (hanging her head in shame): "I'm sorry."
who can learn a language frighteningly quickly. Because universal translators are in their infant stages, they don't work a lot-very often they don't work at all-
Doctor: "Kind of like my ethical subroutines."
so Hoshi has to be the captain's right hand for understanding languages and getting through some hairy situations.
B'Elanna: "Until the fight scene that is."
Our helmsman, Ensign Travis Mayweather [Anthony Montgomery], is what we call a "space boomer."
Paris: "I'm sure they'll call him other things as the series progresses."
He was born in space, to parents who worked on freighters and transport vessels;
Chakotay: "Needless to say Mr. Mayweather suffers from several emotional problems."
and even though he is the youngest of the regular characters,
Harry (as Berman): "He will constantly show up the older, more experienced crew, carrying on the fine tradition of Wesley Crusher."
he has logged more space hours than anybody on the ship.
Crow: "Including the ALIEN Vulcan."
The Captain has been a Starfleet officer for maybe 15 years,
All: "Maybe?"
Mike (as Berman): "We're not really sure. We figure it will vary over the course of the show."
 but the amount of space he's experienced [was] quite limited prior to the development of warp 5.
Janeway: "So they took an officer with virtually NO space experience and put him in charge of their newest SPACE ship?"
Our ship's doctor, Phlox [John Billingsley], is a wonderful, strange alien gentleman who just happens to be pulled into this group as a result of the mystery that starts the pilot episode.
Doctor (as Berman): "As opposed to Voyager's doctor, a holographic gentleman who is activated because the regular Doctor is killed off in the pilot episode."
Tuvok: "So the humans who have trouble trusting the Vulcan's they have been working with for decades, but welcome an unknown figure to tend to their physical well being?"
He is a master of many forms of alien medicine.
Seven: "My assimilated knowledge makes me versed in many alien technologies, but I don't use them when working on Federation technology."
B'Elanna (snorting): "Like heck you don't."
Seven (arching her brow): "Correction, I do not use them without being told I should not."
He keeps strange little critters in his sickbay.
Paris: "I just assist in sickbay, but I know that keeping livestock in the area you perform surgery is a bad idea."
TVG: Word is Enterprise is a much steamier, lustier Trek. True?
Tom (as Berman): "Our new motto is 'A brighter future through sex and violence."
RB: We're certainly not going to avoiding [sex] with Captain Archer.
Janeway: "One more time, one at a time."
Crow: "Well, Braga's sleeping with Seven..."
Mike (as Berman): "It will be more like crashing into it, like the Titanic into an iceberg."
Tom (as Berman): "There still won't be any romance, just tons of meaningless sex."
B'Elanna (as Berman): "All of it being with aliens that look like sexy human women."
Seven: "I guess the catsuits will be transparent."
Janeway: "I wonder if HE will refuse to sleep with members of his crew."
Chakotay: "I'm more curious how long it will take him and T'Pol."
Tuvok:"I'm sure his charm will defeat centuries of Vulcan reproductive practices."
Paris:"With the possible help from some sex happy anomaly."
Harry (as Berman): "The rest of the crew won't get any, but the Captain will be a love machine."
Doctor: "And of course all the aliens the Captain's bed will mate like humans do."
What can I say? He's single and healthy.
Janeway: "Doctor?"
Doctor: "You're healthy."
Janeway: "Since I'm also single I guess it's the HE part."
{The text trails off the top of the screen and as the crews stand up the holodeck reverts to it's normal grid.}

{Fading to the bridge the assembled crews are staring wide eyed at the viewscreen. There Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank and staring at what looks like a revolving mirror, in which Pearl Forrester and Professor Bobo are trapped like the Kryptonian criminals from the Superman movies.}
Dr. F (smiling brightly): "Goodbye, Mother."
Pearl: "This isn't the last you've seen of me!"
Dr. F: "Please mother, even if this isn't the last I've seen of you could you please spare me the cliches?"
Bobo: "Look Lawgiver, were only two faceted now."
Pearl: "Would you shut up?"
(Pearl starts smacking Bobo as Dr. Forrester sends the revolving mirror careening out of an open portal on the Satellite of Love.)
Dr F (dusting off his hands): "Well, that's that. So what did you think of this weeks experiment my little lab rats?"
Mike: "It's hard to say. I mean there not even CALLING it Star Trek anymore."
B'Elanna: "Yeah, it's just "Enterprise" and when they refer to Star Trek it's just Trek."
Dr. F (smiling evilly): "Isn't it beautiful? They betray the fans while still stringing them along? I'll pass on your compliments to Brannon when we have lunch."
(The collected crews collective faces twist in disgust.)
Dr. F: "What? I'm evil, he's evil. It's only natural for us to exchange ideas."
(Seven looks frightened and Dr. F notices.)
Dr.F: "Don't worry, even I am unsettled by his fixation in that area."
(Seven relaxes a bit and smiled, Dr. F smiles back. Then when she realizes what she's doing she stops and settles back into her typical expression.)
Crow: "GREAT! One of them MAKES the bad movies, and then the other makes us watch them!"
Dr. F: "Now you got it! Well, until next week let's get me back to Deep 13 and you three back to the SOL."
Tom: "Deep 13, on Earth?"
(The Voyager crew looks hopeful.)
Dr. F: "Don't get your hopes up. I've already stole Mr. Barklay's technology and corrupted it to evil. So each time I can broadcast I will, MORE bad Trek!"
(Dr. F starts laughing maniacally while the SOL crew and the Voyager crew face each other. Tom and Crow are standing before Seven and B'Elanna."
Seven: "Your technological distincitveness has been interesting..."
Tom: "She said I'm interesting!"
Crow: "No! She said it to me!"
Tom: "Nah uh pin beak!"
Crow (running into Tom): "Ah huh round boy!"
(The Bots continue to "fight" as Janeway, Chakotay and Tuvok talk.)
Janeway: "Mike, it's been a pleasure to work with the masters."
Mike: "Ah, your crews got the hang of it."
Chakotay: "Still, a painful experiment was made all the easier."
(Mike just smiles.)
Tuvok (doing the hand symbol): "Live long and prosper."
(Mike attempts to do the symbol as well, but is having trouble. He's still trying as he and the Bots dematerialize.)
Harry: "Sensors indicate their back on the SOL, and being forced to watch Mission Impossible 2."
(Even across the void of space their shreek of anguish can be heard.)
Paris: "Poor bastards."
Doctor: "Sadly there was nothing I could do for them short of euthanasia and after some intense consideration Mike decided against it."
B'Elanna: "I gave the Bots a similar option."
Janeway (sighing): "There's nothing we can do. Mr. Paris... let's see what's out there."
(Paris grins and starts entering commands into the helm.)
Janeway: "Mr. Kim? Push the button."
{The screen goes blank.}

{TV Guide: It's said that Enterprise is different from all previous Trek series-but just how different is it?}