Mystery Series Theater 3000

Season 2

The Christmas Episode

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Wyld's Notes: I was going through my Voyager library looking for episodes to enjoy. When I suddenly came across my tape of Memorial and Sacred Ground. I then thought to myself. "You know what? These really weren't very good." At least not good in and of themselves, but they were perfect for an experiment, and as a holiday treat I decided to do them both in one shot. The hiatus is still sorta in effect, but I thought of these bad episodes as a gift that I can pass on to all of you. Like Janeway says at the bottom, Happy Holidays everyone. As always I can be reached at

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This story features B'Elanna Torres and Seven of Nine in a loving relationship if you object to such things you may as well move on.

(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
Then on the way back to Earth they got off track,
Encountered Pearl Forester who went on the attack…
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Janeway: "I am Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation Starship Voyager."
Chakotay: "All hands brace for impact!"
Doctor: "I'll reattach any severed limbs, just don't misplace them."
Harry: "Hi. My name's Harry read-me-like-a-book Kim."
Paris: "Captain Proton to the rescue!"
B'Elanna: "I must be completely paranoid about getting caught in a compromising position."
Seven: "You are strong, You will make an excellent mate!"
Tuvok: "Both must resolve their Pon Farr before it kills them."

{The scene opens on a close up of Seven of Nine with her chin held high and her eyes look into the distance. As the shot pulls back it can be seen that she is standing in the quarters she shares with B'Elanna Torres. Torres herself is standing right next to Seven with a Santa hat on her head. One of her hands is on her hip while the other is gripping another Santa hat. Seven stands by calmly with her hands linked behind her back.}
B'Elanna: "Would you stand still?"
Seven: "I am standing still."
B'Elanna (biting her bottom lip): "I just can't get this hat to sit right."
Seven (her eyes still face forward, but her brow arching): "I fail to see its relevance."
B'Elanna: "It is supposed to help us get into the spirit."
Seven (rolling her eyes and then looking forward): "I thought that's what Mr. Paris was programming the holodeck for."
B'Elanna (getting up on her tiptoes and trying to position the hat): "Yeah, but dressing up will make it even better."
Seven: "Do you mean like when you had me wear…."
B'Elanna (blushing slightly): "Yeah, like that, but for a different mood this time."
Seven (straightening her shoulders): "Then I will comply."
B'Elanna (settling back on her feet and staring intently at Seven): "Good… now get rid of the hair bun."
(Seven seems dubious, but then she nods and releases her hair, and it spills down over her shoulders causing B'Elanna to have a strange twitch.)
Seven: "B'Elanna?"
B'Elanna: "One second."
(B'Elanna then reaches up, and around Seven to run her fingers through Seven's hair. She then rests her cheek to Seven's chest and sighs happily. Seven gets a soft smile on her face as she wraps her arms around B'Elanna.)
Seven: "Happy holidays B'Elanna."
B'Elanna: "Happy Holidays Seven."
{Fade out, and fade in on a roaring fireplace with eight stockings. The crew can be seen milling about with mugs in their hands.}
Doctor: "Perhaps a bit cliché, but still very well done."
Paris: "Thank you Doctor."
B'Elanna (cuddling with Seven on a bench near the fire, in her Santa hat.): "Yeah Tom. You actually put the holodeck to good use."
Seven (her hair down, in Santa hat, cuddling with B'Elanna): "I was initially against your using the holodeck, but I am glad the Captain chose to allow it."
Paris (smiling): "See, all those hours of Captain Proton are being put to good use."
(Janeway is seen looking very nervous.)
Paris: "Don't worry Captain. The only people here are us. All I programmed was background."
Janeway (still looking suspicious): "Are you sure?"
Paris: "Honest Captain. If we want to freshen our drinks we'll have to do it ourselves."
(Janeway nods, but still seems nervous.)
Tuvok: "The environment is quite comforting, but the idea that it can alter the goodwill one feels towards others is illogical. I still feel the same respect and admiration for this crew that I do the rest of the year."
Chakotay: "Does that include Paris?"
Tuvok: "Yes."
Chakotay: "And you had no problem admitting that?"
Tuvok (arching his brow): "I see your point Commander."
Paris: "What's a matter Harry? You don't exactly look festive."
Harry: "We know Pearl's going to be calling soon."
Janeway: "Then we will deal with her in the spirit of the holiday, together."
(Then the fireplace seems to flicker and is replaced by a viewscreen showing an interior shot of the Widowmaker. Which Professor Bobo is in the process of decorating.)
Pearl: "So are we all getting together in the spirit of peace and love?"
All (nodding, looking at each other): "Yep, pretty much."
Pearl (grimacing): "Well by the time I'm through you'll be lining up to jump off that bridge! Now get in the theater!"
(Pearl presses the button, but while red alert lights flash the alarms are replaced by a silver bell in the Widowmaker ringing.)
Bobo: "Lawgiver! They say every time a bell rings an angel gets…"
{Bobo is unable to finish as Pearl grabs the silver bell and hits him over the head with it. Knocking the gorilla out cold. The fireplace scene transforms into the theater.}
Pearl: "BAH HUMBUG!"

{In the theater the crew has already taken their seats (left to right) Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Seven, the Doctor, Harry and Paris.}
Tuvok: "Memorial and Sacred Ground". It appears Pearl is in the spirit of giving."
Paris: "You think she saved the slip?"
{The shot opens on the Delta Flyer in space, and then it changes to an interior shot of Chakotay, Paris, Harry, and Neelix.}
Janeway: "Brace yourselves."
{Harry yells at Tom for leaving a dirty plate in the replicator and Paris tells him to relax.}
Harry: "Now that I think about it this is a guy who assists with surgery."
{Harry complains about them being on a 2-week away mission, and Chakotay asks him if it's been a little too much togetherness. Harry asks him not to take it personally.}
Harry (as himself): "…but I hate you all!"
{Neelix says that early explorers had to do with out creature comforts like showers and Harry says he wouldn't want to bunk with them either.}
Doctor: "There is NO need to say anything more."
{Chakotay hails Voyager and Janeway says they've kept a candle burning for them.}
Janeway (as herself): "But it was a birthday candle and went out."
{They get back onto Voyager and are greeted by B'Elanna and the Doctor. B'Elanna kisses Paris and he says he should go away more often.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Yes, you should."
{B'Elanna asks Harry if he's homesick and he says he is looking forward to a shower and a comfortable bed.}
Harry (sobbing as himself): "A empty, lonely bed."
{The Doctor reminds them to get to sickbay for their post mission checkup.}
Doctor (as himself): "From the neck up."
{They separate and B'Elanna and Paris walk together to his quarters. During the walk she says she has a surprise for him.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I'm leaving you for Seven of Nine."
{He asks if it's naughty or nice. She tells him to close his eyes, and he says he likes it already.}
(The rest of the crew look at Tom.)
Paris (hanging his head): "I know, I know."
{She leads him into his quarters.}
Tuvok (as announcer): "Little did he know that she and her Borg lover were planning on ambushing him there."
{He opens his eyes and she asks him what he thinks.}
Paris (as himself): "Honey, you know I'm not good at thinking."
{It's revealed to be a television set circa 1950's, but when she hands him the remote control he says there were no remotes back then.}
Paris: "Not 5 minutes and I'm knocking the gift. No wonder you would find a Drone more attractive. No offense Seven."
Seven (taking B'Elanna's hand): "None taken."
{He looks through some of the programs and she hands him some popcorn. He then says everything is perfect except that she forgot beer.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "No I didn't."
Paris (as himself): "I mean I can't be any more obnoxious sober."
{She tries to tell him about her say while he watches TV. When she realizes it she tells him things like the warp core overloaded and then the Borg invaded and they were all assimilated.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I have been appointed Seven's personal servant girl, so I think it's going to be ok."
{She asks him if he's heard a word she's said, and when he doesn't reply she says it may have been a bad idea.}
Janeway: "Ya think?"
{A gangster gunfight turns into a Star Trek energy weapon firefight.}
Paris (as himself): "Ah jeez, I'm watching Voyager. Where's the remote?"
{He tries the remote, and when that doesn't work he goes up to the TV and still can't change it.}
Paris (as himself): "What do you know? 57 channels and nothing on."
{Paris sees himself in the firefight.}
Paris (as himself): "What the hell? T/7 plan… number 306?"
{Paris goes from watching the firefight on the TV to being in it.}
Harry: "Who do you think he's fighting?"
B'Elanna: "I don't know, but I'm rooting for em."
{Paris gets shot.}
B'Elanna: "Ohhhhhhhhhh, I get it. I fell asleep on the couch while he was watching TV, and I was DREAMING about him getting shot."
{He wakes up with a start when she nudges him and she says it must have been quite a dream.}
Paris: "Oh it was. You were there, and you, and you…"
{He says that they always said television was a bad influence.}
Seven: "Yes, but THEY object to Bianca Kane being a lesbian while THEY have no problems with her mother being a tramp."
{She suggests a cartoon, but he turns it off saying he's had enough.}
Janeway: "So have we, but we can't turn the program off."
{The shot changes to Harry in a Jefferies tube where he has auditory hallucinations of a firefight and a visual hallucination of the tube warping.}
Paris: "You took the brown acid. Didn't you?"
{The shot jumps to sickbay where the Doctor scans Harry and says he had an anxiety attack. When Harry says he has never been claustrophobic before the Doctor says there is a first time for everything.}
Chakotay (as the Doctor): "Some people have spontaneously developed psychological problems. It's nothing new."
{The Doctor says it could have been caused by working for 18-hour days for 2 weeks in a shuttle.}
Doctor (as himself): "With Chakotay, Paris and Neelix. That's bound to warp anyone."
{The Doctor then says that as soon as Harry gets back he's Ensign Eager.}
Harry (as himself): "I'm always Ensign Eager, it's in the script."
{The Doctor recommends Harry takes 2 days off, and when Harry seems ready to object he says he can make it 3.}
Harry (as himself): "No please! Not a vacation! Anything but that!"
{Neelix is seen chipping vegetables in his kitchen. Then when a kettle whistles he looks up with his cleaver in hand.}
Paris: "Uh oh. Neelix must be hearing his utensils mocking him again."
{Naomi enters and tells him Seven of Nine gave her a special project.}
Seven (as Naomi): "I need to find a way to keep Paris occupied for at least 3 hours."
{He says he can't help her today, or tonight.}
Harry (as Neelix): "Time to make the doughnuts."
{Neelix overreacts to Naomi burning her hand until the shot changes to Chakotay in the alien firefight when Chakotay tries to help a wounded old man who says he doesn't want his help.}
Doctor (as the old man): "I'll have you know I'm enjoying bleeding to death."
{Chakotay makes it back to base where he tells Savdra they were supposed to evacuate the colony, not destroy it.}
Chakotay (as Savdra): "Ohhhhhhhhhh, NOT destroy it. Well Duh! What was I thinking?"
Janeway: "Think it's a coincidence they gave him a Slavic sounding name?"
{He wakes up to Tuvok hailing him about a security breech in the mess hall.}
Tuvok (as himself): "One of Mr. Neelixes creations has gained sentience."
{Neelix is seen holding off security with a hand phaser. Where Chakotay then enters and moves over to Tuvok.}
Tuvok (as himself): "He has been on Voyager nearly six years. I believe this was just a matter of time."
{Chakotay orders Neelix to release Naomi and he says he wont until Savdra calls off the attack.}
{Tuvok says that he can reach a back entrance if Chakotay distracts Neelix, but Chakotay has something he wants to try first.}
Chakotay (as himself): "River Dance!"
{Chakotay gets Neelix to release Naomi and hand over the phaser.}
Seven: "Well they are appearing to treat post traumatic stress disorder with dignity. I simply wonder when they will get to where they make it the soldiers fault."
B'Elanna: "Give them time."
{They start to realize that the away team seems to be having memories of being in the same conflict. Janeway then tells the Doctor to wake Neelix.}
Doctor (as himself): "Right, I'll get the cattle prod."
{The scene changes to the conference room where Paris says he can't remember it all. Just bits and pieces.}
Paris (as himself): "It was me, George W Bush, with a keg of beer and his dad's credit card."
{Harry says that when he was in the Jefferies tube he heard weapons fire and screaming.}
Harry (as himself): "But I didn't think it was anything I needed to bother the Doctor with."
{They have a 3-minute recall session and then the scene changes to a briefing for the alien battle.}
Paris: "Wow! That was fast! From no memory to full recall in 0.2 seconds."
{They continue the recall and Neelix asks if they remember the last enclosure.}
Doctor (as Neelix): "That waiter, what was his name?"
Janeway: "We've already done that joke."
{A firefight starts where the soldiers open fire on civilians. Harry remembers running away and killing two civilians.}
Harry: I'm not liking the direction their taking me. I mean Chakotay has memories of a command position, Neelix the memories of the guy who tries to save the kids… and I'm the quick triggered coward."
{B'Elanna joins Paris in his quarters and says she missed him at breakfast. To which he says he wasn't hungry.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "No, I mean I literally missed you. Seven and I had this whole elaborate trap set up."
{She asks if he slept and he says 5, 6 minutes.}
Paris (as himself): "I couldn't help it, those infomercials are enthralling."
{She tries to comfort him and he rejects it.}
Seven: "The post traumatic stress has obviously damaged his mind more then we expected."
{He yells at her, and then he apologizes. She says he knows where he can find her.}
Paris (as himself): "Cargo Bay 2?"
B'Elanna (as herself): "As always."
{In astrometrics they review the Delta Flyer's stops, and when they get to the second one Janeway recognizes it and starts to have flashbacks.}
Janeway: "Looks like it's my turn."
Doctor: "Since it has now progressed to someone who was not on the away mission, and therefore never been near the planet, wouldn't that make the memories suspect?"
Tuvok: "You would believe so, but it is more likely the writers will ignore that fact, and have the rest of the episode having the crew make sure. Not so much a bad story line as it is a weak one."
{Janeway sees Savdra vaporizing the bodies. When she says people will understand that they panicked he says they wont.}
Chakotay: "I guess when people were spitting on the Vietnam vets it was a gesture of understanding."
{Janeway, the Doctor and Tuvok talk about how if Voyager had participated in the war all traces were removed.}
Harry: "So the unit was big enough for each and every member of the crew to have separate experiences while also having room for the alien troops we saw?"
Janeway: "Careful Ensign that plot hole is big enough to fall into."
Paris: "Heck I could take the Flyer through a hole that size."
{She says she can not believe they could do such a thing.}
Janeway (as herself): "Especially with out a single one of us bringing up Federation ethics before, during or after the event."
{Janeway orders a red alert and directs them to the planet. The Doctor gives her a neural suppressant to help keep the memories from surfacing.}
Doctor (as himself): "It will also make the plot seem more coherent."
Seven: "So they have admitted that suppressed memories exist, but prescribe drugs as a means of dealing with them?"
B'Elanna (whispering in Seven's ear): "I think, I say think, that's just supposed to be a stop gap measure."
{Seven brings Neelix some stew and a soufflé which she says has collapsed, but still retains it's nutritional content.}
B'Elanna (smiling): "Ok, now that's just cute."
{Seven says that Naomi likes to consume deserts to improve her mood.}
Seven (as herself): "Lieutenant Paris prefers to consume alcoholic beverages."
{Neelix says Naomi must be terrified of him.}
Paris (as Seven): "Yes, but that reaction applies to most of the crew. You should not let it bother you."
{Seven and Neelix talk about guilt.}
(B'Elanna puts her arm around Seven and rests Seven's head to her shoulder.)
{They enter orbit and detect nothing, no ships, people, weapons residue, nothing but a single power signature. Which they beam down to investigate, Harry, Paris, Tuvok and some security officers branching off and finding Harry's tunnel.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Do you mean this is the tunnel where you mercilessly gunned down the civilians?"
Harry (as himself): "Well, the ones I told you about."
{Chakotay and Janeway head off alone.}
Tuvok: "So I let the captain and first officer go off on their own and kept the security officers to myself?"
(Tuvok laughs once, and then looks profoundly shocked, as does the rest of the crew.)
{Janeway and Chakotay find an obelisk and she says she thinks they've found their war.}
Janeway (singing as herself): "War! What is it good for?"
All: "Absolutely nothing!"
Janeway (singing as herself): "Say it again!"
Harry: "Wait, wait, wait. Are we talking War, or Voyager?"
Janeway: "Either, or."
{They learn that the obelisk is a memorial, and then discuss deactivating it.}
Janeway: "It's a good scene, except for them turning the military leader Savdra into a monster. I'm calling a cease fire."
Seven: "Wasn't he?"
Janeway: "What did he do that was monstrous? On the battlefield a commander is firstly responsible to those under their command. War itself is an atrocity, and the people who declare it are never held accountable because they offer up the soldiers they ordered onto the battlefield rather then let the blood on their own hands show. All Paramount has done is paint a simplistic portrayal of a very complex subject."
{Janeway talks to the 4 members of the away team in front of the obelisk where she says that she knows its been hard on them most of all.}
Janeway: "It has been hard on all of my crew, but we earned our break. Now lets take it."

{The theater fades into the fireplace scene where the crew is now sitting on benches in front of the fireplace. They then get up and move to a Christmas tree and start handing each other gifts.}
Seven (smirking): "I believe I have gotten a Christmas gift early."
B'Elanna (smiling): "Huh?"
Seven: "I was not in this episode for more then 5 total minutes and I am not in the next one at all."
Paris: "Hey! That was on my list!"
Harry: "Tom! A new sleep mask. How did you know?"
Doctor: "Actually that is from me. I thought it might help ease the pain of the Voyager episodes."
Harry: "Yeah, but I could still hear them."
Doctor: "That's true, the shows weakness is in its scripts… Then enjoy your new sleep mask."
Harry (grinning): "Thanks."
B'Elanna: "A biosuit? Why would I need a biosuit?"
Seven: "It's not for you. It's for me."
Seven (leaning to whisper in B'Elanna's ear): "It's edible."
B'Elanna (jaw dropping slightly): "Oh."
(B'Elanna quickly tucks the edible biosuit back in its package.)
Chakotay: "What is this you gave me Tuvok?"
Tuvok: "A copy of the transmission in which I sent your tribe the address of the writer who first put science into your vision quest."
Chakotay: "I, and my people thank you."
Paris (handing a present to Janeway): "Captain, for this gift I reopened Fair Haven, and Sullivan."
(The room suddenly goes deathly quiet as everyone stares at Paris.)
Paris: "This is a recording of me coming up with 101 painful and often deadly accidents and injuries."
Janeway (smiling): "Thank you Mister Paris. This might be something for us to watch after the experiment. I know it will make me feel better."
B'Elanna: "Could it be you are going to start using your holo-programming skills for good, and not evil?"
Paris: "I'm thinking of making it my New Year's resolution."
Pearl (appearing in the fireplace): "You're assuming you'll live that long."
Janeway: "Now, now Pearl. We got something for you and Bobo too."
Bobo: "A present!"
Pearl: "Back of Lancelot Link! So what did you get us?"
Janeway: "The gift you've given us. The gift of Voyager, you'll find episodes like "Infinite Regress, Barge of the Dead, Good Shepherd, and many more."
Paris (stage whispering): "Did that just feel like a TV commercial?"
(The rest of the crew hushes him.)
Peal (grinning): "Nice try Captain Wrongway, but those are GOOD episodes. Bobo and I may enjoy them, but you've got an appointment on "Sacred Ground" Now get in the theater!"
{The fireplace scene changes into the theater.}

{The crew settle into their theater seats as the screen comes to life with a shot of Voyager flying through space saying that the crew is taking shore leave with people known as the Nekani.}
Chakotay: "Sacred Ground" considering who we are dealing with I suppose we should just be glad they spelled sacred right."
Harry: "Hey! Wait a second! Weren't those guys who got slaughtered in the "Memorial" episode the Nekani?"
Tuvok: "No, they were the Nekan."
Harry: "There is a difference?"
Tuvok: "An I."
{The scene changes to show an alien guide leading some members of Voyagers crew though some caves. He says the caves are a sanctuary to their ancestral spirits.}
Chakotay (as alien guide): "We're going to bulldoze it and turn it into a strip mall."
{Some monks past them and the guide says they have devoted their lives to serving the spirits.}
Paris: "Bartending?"
{Neelix and Kes lag behind the rest of the group. The two examine a statue and Kes asks what it means.}
Tuvok: "It probably means. "Do not touch the artifacts."
{She says it might be a blessing for good luck, or wisdom. He suggests that it may be a blessing for happiness or love.}
B'Elanna: "Yep, you can tell he's a guy."
Tuvok: "Can you make such broad assumptions about all males?"
(B'Elanna takes hold of Seven's hand and holds it up. Which causes Seven to arch her brow.)
B'Elanna (smirking): "I can now."
{Kes says she hears something.}
Doctor (singing): "Do you hear what I hear?"
{They find a lit up arch.}
Paris: "A Stargate!"
{Kes walks into the arch and is shocked by an energy field.}
Harry: "It's a bug zapper!"
{The guide, Harry and B'Elanna enter the room. When B'Elanna asks what happened Neelix says that she didn't touch anything, and all she did was walk up to the archway.}
Janeway (as Neelix): "All she did was wander an alien habitat with out anyone to tell her where she was or what she was doing."
{The guide says that they must leave and B'Elanna says they are not going anywhere.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Who do you think you are having things off limits to us?"
{The guide says he does not know what kind of energy she was exposed to, so Harry says they will bring down scanning equipment.}
Harry (as himself): "And firearms and whiskey too!"
{The guide says that Kes is being punished by the spirits and then B'Elanna says that if she dies they will hold them responsible.}
B'Elanna: "Am I really that rude?"
(Seven pats B'Elanna on the head.)
{Back on Voyager Janeway walks into sickbay and the Doctor tells her Keses neural pathways underwent a shock.}
Doctor (as himself): "She found out the cheesy way they are getting rid of her."
Seven: "It is too bad that Kes was forced to leave the ship. I would have liked to have gotten to know her."
B'Elanna (smiling): "She would have liked to know you too."
{In her ready room Janeway has a meeting with the guide whom she calls the Magistrate where he tells her he is not a spiritual leader and does not know why the spirits do what they do.}
Chakotay (as the Magistrate): "Damn it Kathryn I'm a magistrate not a monk!"
{Janeway tries to get the Magistrate to force the monks to see her, and he says that the monks and the government have agreed to leave each other alone.}
Paris: "So it's like a separation of church and state with out the Christian Coalition?"
{Janeway asks him to tell her what he personally knows about the sanctuary.}
Chakotay: "Captain? Why are you acting like those tourists who think that speaking loudly and slowly will make their foreign language any more understandable?"
Janeway: "I disavow and knowledge of this Janeway and her actions, but if I had to hazard a guess this person is influenced by the same mindset that turned your sky spirits into alien beings."
{He says that the monks enter the sanctuary to receive the gift of purification, and she asks if that means they can enter the sanctuary unharmed.}
Doctor (as the Magistrate): "No, we just cart their bodies away each morning."
{He says they go through a ritual that allows them to speak to the ancestral spirits, after which they can enter the sanctuary unharmed. At which point she goes on to ask him what the ritual entails and how it offers protection.}
Chakotay (as the Magistrate): "Listen Lady! What part of "Not a monk." Is confusing you?"
{She asks if there is anyone who can give her scientific information on the energy field.}
Tuvok: "Well from the content of the rest of the conversation I believe the answer would be…"
All: "NO!"
{She says that she refuses to believe there is nothing the Nekani can do for Kes.}
Paris (as the Magistrate): "Tough."
{Janeway enters sickbay and learns that the Doctor now knows the difficulties of getting clear readings through solid rock.}
Tuvok: "I would believe that Mr. Paris would have given you ample experience."
Doctor: "No, to be fair his head is made up of solid bone."
{She tells him that the monks are able to enter unharmed and he asks her if they have told them how.}
Janeway (as herself): "No, they have this foolish notion that sacred things should remain sacred."
{The Doctor tells Janeway that the longer Kes remains in her comatose condition the more likely it is that she will be permanently damaged.}
Harry: "Has anyone ever noticed that no matter how badly we are injured we always end up a ok?"
(Everyone shuffles around a bit and looks uncomfortable.)
Doctor (meekly): "I'm just that good?"
(Everyone smiles and nods and pats the Doctor on the back.)
{Neelix asks the Doctor how she is and he says he's sorry to say there's been no change.}
Doctor (as himself): "She's still on Voyager."
{Neelix tells her that in his research he was not able to uncover much scientific evidence.}
Tuvok: "If they do not possess any scientific knowledge of the phenomenon in the present it is unlikely that they possessed it in the past."
{Neelix recounts a story of a young prince getting put into a coma like the one Kes is in.}
Chakotay (Neelix): "It was the strangest thing, the book was lying there on a shelf with the story highlighted."
{He says the prince's father the king refused to accept that.}
Janeway: "But he was probably far more respectful about it."
{On the bridge Janeway hails the Magistrate and they discuss the tale where the Magistrate says that the king was able to claim responsibility both as a father and as a king. Janeway then says a Captain is completely responsible for every member of her crew.}
Chakotay (as the Magistrate): "Ok, that's one."
Seven: "To be fair she could also claim responsibility because she took a civilian Kes on as additional crew compliment beyond what she had been assigned."
Janeway: "An excellent point which they will doubtlessly miss."
{The Magistrate agrees with her.}
Harry (as the Magistrate): "Now will you please stop targeting your weapons at our capital?"
{When Chakotay learns Janeway is going through the ritual he is surprised because he thought she doesn't believe in those things. She says that she knows she will not see the ancestral spirits but she wants scientific data on the ritual.}
Chakotay: "Wait a minute! I'm smirking with her! That's it I'm kicking my ass the next time I see me!… Well you know what I mean."
Janeway (as herself): "Which probably defeats the whole purpose of the ritual in the first place."
Seven: "I do not understand."
Janeway: "Do you remember how the Borg first assimilated knowledge of the Omega particle in religious beliefs?"
Seven: "Correct, they then extracted all possible scientific data and discarded the rest."
Janeway: "Did they? Or did they assimilate the idea of spirituality and convert it to a more acceptable format?"
(Seven looks confused.)
Chakotay: "Allow me to explain. In Mayan, Aztec and similar societies blood sacrifice was an accepted part of their worship services. Now when Christian missionaries came to the area they were easily able to accept a God King who sacrificed his own flesh and blood for his people."
Seven (nodding): "I understand."
{Chakotay says that the ancestral spirits may really control what happens in the shrine.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Like the Prophets and the Celestial Temple/Bajoran Worm Hole?"
Janeway (as herself): "Well… I'm sure that's an isolated incident."
{Janeway says that she is sure if that they scratch deep enough spiritual rituals could be found to have a scientific basis.}
Chakotay (as announcer): "The white male reality, it's not just for males anymore."
{Chakotay tells Janeway how he felt disappointed when his mother explained the science behind the vision quest.}
(Chakotay twitches, but remains silent, and everyone looks at him.)
Chakotay: "If I get started we will be here for hours. So let's just say the writers are as clueless about spirituality as they are about romance."
All (except Chakotay): "Agreed."
{Janeway says that normally she would allow them that choice.}
Janeway (as herself): "I would just settle for sneering down my nose at them."
Chakotay (as Janeway): "I would allow them that decision, maybe sign a few treaties that would just last until I decided they had something I wanted."
{The Magistrate calls Janeway to tell her that the monks have agreed to let her undergo the ritual and seek the ancestral spirits.}
Seven (as the Magistrate): "Captain? Are you snickering?"
{The Doctor and Harry tell Janeway about her sub-dermal probe.}
B'Elanna: "No offense Captain, but they must have shoved it up her ass with a 3 foot long stick and left the stick."
{As she mounts the transporter pad Tuvok hands her a phaser.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Remember, if you don't understand it. Shot to kill."
{She says it won't be necessary.}
Doctor (as Janeway): "After the spoiled food and disease ridden blankets we gave them they will be too weak to fight."
{She says it is strictly an information-gathering mission.}
Janeway (as herself): "We send the troops in later."
{She says she doesn't want to appear hostile.}
Janeway (as herself): "I am of course, but I don't want to be obvious about it."
{Janeway beams down to the entrance of the sanctuary and seems some of the monks.}
Janeway (as herself): "Such charming natives. I'll have to be sure to recommend opening an exhibit on them after we wipe out most of their population."
Paris: "Guys, are we getting a bit hostile?"
Seven: "Perhaps, but the attitudes being displayed by Voyager's crew warrant it."
{Janeway helps a person with a light saying she supposes she could take a look at it.}
Tuvok: "A refusal to take a moment to help someone. I believe that could be considered the Captain's first failure on her spiritual quest."
Janeway: "Well I did offer to help. So it was not really a refusal. Just a pretentious acceptance."
{The woman looks at Janeway's tricorder and then pockets it, but Janeway says she will need it.}
Tuvok: "Trying to bring scientific gear on a spiritual quest, I believe that would be a definite failure."
Janeway: "Agreed."
Harry: "Not only that, but they had already forbidden scanning devices."
Janeway: "I guess I decided I knew better, but then again it's more likely I didn't even stop to think about what they wanted."
{Janeway realizes the woman she was helping is her guide, and the woman says that guide, advisor, spiritual companion, or any other term would work.}
Janeway (as herself): "I think I'll call you Tonto."
{The guide leads Janeway to a room where two women begin to undress her, but the Captain gets alarmed.}
Paris: "It's ok Captain. It can be kinda fun to be undressed by strange women."
Seven: "Umm hum."
(B'Elanna looks at Seven sharply.)
{The women undress the Captain.}
Harry: "Is it wrong for us to see the Captain undressed?"
Chakotay: "What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."
{The Captain asks if she can be told what happens in the ritual, and the woman asks why Kathryn thinks that she would know.}
Janeway (as herself): "Listen, I need step by step instructions, and maybe a nice flow chart."
{She says that she will lead Janeway to the spirits.}
Seven (as the guide): "But our path does go through a brick wall so it will not be an easy road."
{Janeway says she is willing to go through the ritual and the woman adds it is to send biochemical data back to her ship.}
Janeway (as herself): "Well that's the idea."
{Janeway asks if that is a problem and the woman says it is not.}
Chakotay (as the guide): "Though I claim no responsibility if the ancestral spirits smite your heathen ass."
{The woman says Janeway is quite fond of her devices.}
Janeway (as herself): "How did you learn about my devices?"
{Janeway enters a room to see two old white men.}
Paris: "It's Statler and Waldorf!"
Harry: "And an old woman."
{They tell her they are waiting and ask her to join them, but she goes and knocks on the door instead.}
Tuvok: "Another failure."
Janeway: "Agreed."
Chakotay: "You would think that all that research would indicate your character may be tested as well."
Janeway: "My" research would only be as in depth as that done by the writers and I think we established that is "not very deep."
{The door opens and Janeway says that unless she is supposed to accomplish something there she would like to move on.}
Seven: "If they have to tell you what to accomplish I believe the test would loose its personal, and therefore spiritual significance."
Janeway: "I think that's the point. I'm just not getting it."
B'Elanna: "Yes, but there WERE people there."
Janeway: "Yes, I guess I just decided not to listen to them."
{Janeway and the guide enter a new room and Janeway says she doesn't know where to begin.}
Chakotay: "In the beginning God created heaven and the earth?"
{The guide asks if she wants instructions and Janeway says she will do whatever she is told.}
Janeway (as herself): "Unless of course you tell me to treat this ritual seriously."
{The guide asks if she thinks it is just a matter of doing what she's told, and Janeway says she is sure there is spiritual significance to the challenges.}
Janeway: "Of course before I left the ship I was mocking their spiritual notions. So at one point or another I must have been lying."
{The guide seems amused at Janeway's talk of challenges.}
Harry (as the guide): "You think you're joining a fraternity or something?"
{Janeway says she studied many ritualistic societies, and found many commonalties.}
Janeway (as herself): "You all look alike to me."
{Janeway then says this one might be different, but she is willing to do anything.}
(Paris starts humming 70's porn music.)
{The guide tells her that all of it is meaningless and the only thing that matters in finding her connection to the spirits. Janeway says she will do all she can to do that.}
Janeway (as herself): "Even though I don't believe they exist."
{But she says she is not there to seek personal enlightenment, but to save a member of her crew.}
(Chakotay sighs and shakes his head.)
B'Elanna: "Proof that once again, Janeway just doesn't get it."
Seven: "But the purpose of the ritual is to gain personal enlightenment…"
B'Elanna (laying Seven's head to her shoulder): "Shhhhhh."
Paris (as the guide): "Well you just failed the ritual, bye."
{The guide says that is a noble goal and she hopes the spirits listen to her.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Even if you're not listening to them."
{The guide tells Janeway to stand a certain way and hold a rock.}
Harry (as the guide): "Now if you hear the sounds of people laughing at you try to ignore it."
{Back on Voyager the Doctor tells Chakotay he is downloading every iota of information from the probe into a physiometric program.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Phyiso…. You're just making this all up aren't you!"
Doctor (as himself): "So far all I have been able to determine is that she's got love in her tummy."
{The shot changes back to a tired and sweaty Janeway. The guide asks her what she sees now.}
Paris (as Picard): "I see FOUR LIGHTS! Oops, wrong Captain."
{Janeway is then seen finger painting, and asks what she is supposed to draw.}
Harry (as the guide): "Umm, you are painting, not drawing."
{The guide says that is too easy and she should draw whatever she wants.}
Janeway (as herself): "Fine, I'll draw a math problem."
{Janeway says that while other children were outside playing she was inside doing math problems.}
Janeway (as herself): "And I was happy I tell you! HAPPY!"
Paris (as Hank Hill): "That girl ain't right."
{Janeway is seen climbing a cliff.}
B'Elanna: "ROCK CLIMBING! Tom and Crow warned me about this!"
{She is revealed to be looking at a rock, at which point the guide asks her what she saw and Janeway says she is not sure.}
Seven: "It seemed rather plain to us."
{In sickbay the Doctor says ah ha and then tells Neelix what he has discovered.}
Doctor (as himself): "It's not much, but it's enough to triple bill her health insurance."
{Neelix starts wallowing in guilt, and the Doctor asks him to stop as it is bad for the patient.}
Paris (as Kes): "Actually I'm kind of enjoying watching him suffer."
{The guide brings Janeway something to drink, and then she brings out a hissing basket.}
Janeway (as herself): "Not happening. The guys back at the academy tried to get me to pet the serpent too."
{The serpent is said to be a gatekeeper between the realms and she puts her hand in as instructed. After which she gets a poisonous triangular bite.}
Chakotay (as the guide): "Tourists."
{Janeway is sealed in a coffin-like chamber in the floor. The guide saying everyone dies sometime.}
B'Elanna (as the guide): "Now it's your turn."
{Back on Voyager Tuvok, Chakotay, and the Doctor talk about Janeway. Chakotay says that she has been with out sleep three days, and asks how much longer they will allow her to go through it.}
Doctor (as himself): "About 10 minutes counting commercials."
{Chakotay says that she has been bitten with an unknown venom that could lie dormant for several days before killing her.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Which would seem to defeat the entire purpose of the ritual."
{The Doctor says that Chakotay thinks he is not paying attention.}
Doctor (as himself): "And furthermore! Oops, excuse me a second, she's flat lining."
{The Doctor assures Chakotay that he would take action if the Captain were in trouble.}
Doctor (as himself): "I would start giggling immediately."
{Chakotay asks if the Doctor is getting enough information to justify her staying there. The Doctor says that he is getting remarkable data about her biochemistry.}
Doctor: "You see, as a woman ages…"
Janeway: "Doctor…"
{The Doctor says that the breakdown of the venom is affecting the normal flow of neurotransmitters and having a hallucinogenic affect.}
Harry: "Woo hoo, that's good venom."
{Chakotay decided to leave her in the ritual, but vows to stay by the monitor until she gets back.}
Paris: "Chakotay and Janeway, sitting in a tree…"
(Chakotay gets up, walks over and slugs Paris.)
Paris: "Ok, I deserved that."
{Janeway envisions herself on a beach. Then she sees her guide, but the guide tells her she is just there as an interpreter for the ancestral spirits.}
B'Elanna (as the guide): "So let's get a move on. The spirits are busy people."
{Janeway says that if there are other beings there could she see them herself.}
All: "IF?"
Janeway (as herself): "Get em on out here! Make em hop around a bit or something."
Chakotay: "I guess her attempt to connect to the spirits got a busy signal."
Tuvok (as the guide): "Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high prayer volumes…"
B'Elanna (as the guide): "Couldn't they have just sent Sisko?"
Seven (as Janeway): "I thought I made this clear that I am just doing the ritual to humor you."
Doctor (as the guide): "If you're not sure were here then what was the point of the last 30 minutes?"
Harry: "Do you think the Captain was the one running around saying there was no Santa?"
Paris: "Nah, she just tried to figure out how fast he would have to travel."
{The guide says it's irrelevant.}
Seven: "I like her."
B'Elanna: "Is it possible that all this time you have just been more enlightened then us?"
Seven: "Yes."
{Janeway complains because she went through the ritual, but is reminded that they told her it was meaningless.}
Paris (as the guide): "What we have here is a failure to communicate."
{Janeway says she just wants to finally make her request, and the guide tells her to do so.}
B'Elanna (as the guide): "Do it and get out!"
{She speaks to the air and sites the story that Neelix found as precedent.}
Chakotay: "Is this a spirit quest or a court of law?"
Janeway: "A court of law apparently."
{Janeway's vision ends and the guide helps her from the chamber she was sealed in. Janeway mentions that the conditioning programs on the holodeck don't prepare someone for an ordeal like that.}
Tuvok: "Not yours anyway."
{Now on Voyager the Doctor scans Janeway and says that he used his physiometric program to analyze the protection the venom gives the monks and turned it into a treatment program.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Damn it! You're still making this up aren't you? Do you have ANY idea what you're doing?"
{The Doctor begins treating Kes and notices her electrolytes are becoming a problem.}
Doctor (as himself): "10ccs Gatorade."
{The treatment fails and the Doctor tells Janeway everything she went through was meaningless. Which causes Janeway to go wide-eyed.}
B'Elanna: "By Jove I think she's got it!"
Chakotay: "Could it be they are doing a thoughtful, actually spiritual episode instead of the pseudo-spiritual scientific clap trap?"
Tuvok: "It appears so."
Seven: "Divine intervention?"
Tuvok: "The only logical explanation."
{Janeway is back on the planet and she finds her guide at another malfunctioning light where she says that everything she went through really was meaningless and her guide agrees.}
All: "DUH!"
{The guide asks her if she has come to seek the spirits and Janeway says she doesn't know what she's seeking.}
Chakotay: "Yep, divine intervention is the only explanation I can think of too."
{She renters the ritual and finds the old people she had when she first entered the ritual.}
Janeway: "So what they're saying is I managed to screw things up right away?"
{Janeway talks to the old people and is asked that if they explain everything then what is there left to believe in?}
Janeway (as herself): "Nothing, that's kind of the point."
{They call her close minded and she says there is a difference between respecting beliefs and embracing them.}
Seven: "No there is not. You have to consider the possibility or you are simply humoring them."
Harry: "Guys. Are we getting a little preachy?"
Chakotay: "Goes with the episode."
{A long talk where the three old people tell her to take Kes into the shrine and trust the spirits to return her soul.}
B'Elanna: "Did Pearl slip a DS9 episode in by mistake?"
{Janeway says she wants to believe, and that she is going to try.}
Paris: "Wait for it…"
All (as Yoda): "Do, or do not. There is no try."
{Chakotay and Neelix beam down with Kes, and when she tells them she is taking Kes back into the field he threatens to relieve her of duty. The guide asking if he can really do that, and Janeway confirming he can.}
Janeway (as herself): "He's tried it before."
{Janeway begins to pick up Kes and Chakotay says he does not understand this.}
Chakotay (as himself): "I'm the spiritual one, and I think it's great you're getting in touch with that side. My behavior is TOTALLY out of character."
{Back on Voyager the Doctor explains away the healing of Kes to science, but Janeway gets a maudlin look.}
Chakotay: "Well the science at the end was perhaps predictable, but in this case it was a sad thing. Not a science will conquer all."
{The theater fades into the fireplace scene.}

{The crew takes seats in front of the fire (left to right) Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Seven, the Doctor, Harry and Paris.}
Janeway: "Well, the last episode almost left me feeling contemplative. So is anyone up for a round of good thing/bad thing?"
Harry: "But there were two episodes?"
Janeway: "True enough. Ok we'll still only do one of each, but they can come from either episode. I would say the good thing is from "Sacred Ground." Not only did I find some personal enlightenment, but also it did not get nullified by the end of the episode. The bad thing would be that in "Memorial" I was anything but insightful and missed many large clues that Voyager's crew was not involved."
Chakotay: "The good thing would be the way I was able to hold the away team together in "Memorial" the bad thing would be the way I forgot my own enlightenment in "Sacred Ground."
Tuvok: "The good thing would be that I was able to get the Commander to see reason in "Sacred Ground" while the bad thing would be that there was absolutely no indication as to if I had received the memories with the rest of the crew in "Memorial."
B'Elanna: "Bad thing was that I didn't get to see much of Seven on the screen in either episode. The good thing was that I wasn't there much either."
Seven: "The good thing was that "Sacred Ground" has opened my mind to the notion of Borg spirituality. The bad thing is that B'Elanna did not physically strike Tom Paris when he treated her so poorly in "Memorial."
Doctor: "First let me say in my defense that I was not programmed with a soul and if I have gotten one it has been something I have developed. That said I would say the good thing was in "Sacred Ground" when I was able to give the Captain the key to saving Kes. The bad thing would be in the same episode when Neelix set up camp in my sickbay."
Harry: "The bad thing is definitely from "Memorial" when they still painted me bright green. The good thing… nothing really, but I guess I liked that I didn't have much to do with "Sacred Ground."
Paris (laughing): "Well, I'd have to agree with Harry. I mean "Memorial"… well watching it even I was thinking B'Elanna should head on down to cargo bay 2. The good thing would also be that I was pretty much in the background for "Sacred Ground."
{The fireplace flickers and turns into the shot of Pearl and Bobo, but it doesn't go all the way so it looks like Pearl and Bobo are in hell.}
Pearl: "The good thing would be that you all suffered watching them, and the bad thing would be that they are over. Hey? What are you all laughing at?"
Bobo (whispering): "Merry Christmas Voyager."
Pearl (looking at a monitor): "BOBO!"
Janeway: "Merry Christmas Bobo."
(The rest of the crew echoes her as Pearl chases him off screen.}
Janeway: "And Happy Holidays EVERYONE."
{Fade to black.}

{The shot of the guide on the beach. "Everything you have been through is meaningless."}