Mystery Series Theater 3000

Season 2


Comments to

Wyld's Notes: I was going to MSTie "Drive" but it really didn't move me. I got a quarter of the way in and the jokes were just too forced. Normally the episodes I pick are cheesy bad; "Drive" is just bad, bad. "Repression' on the other hand is right out of dairy country.

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This story features B'Elanna Torres and Seven of Nine in a loving relationship if you object to such things you may as well move on.

(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
Then on the way back to Earth they got off track,
Encountered Pearl Forester who went on the attack…
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Janeway: "I am Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation Starship Voyager."
Chakotay: "All hands brace for impact!"
Doctor: "I'll reattach any severed limbs, just don't misplace them."
Harry: "Hi. My name's Harry read-me-like-a-book Kim."
Paris: "Captain Proton to the rescue!"
B'Elanna: "I must be completely paranoid about getting caught in a compromising position."
Seven: "You are strong, You will make an excellent mate!"
Tuvok: "Both must resolve their Pon Farr before it kills them."

{The camera comes in moving, following Seven of Nine who is carrying a phaser rifle, and wearing a determined expression. It shows her boarding the turbolift and stepping on the bridge where the rest of the crew and a full security team are waiting. Tom Paris can be seen hiding behind Tuvok.}
Tuvok: "Seven of Nine, put down your weapon."
(No response except for her steely expression, and despite their superior numbers the security team starts looking nervous.)
Janeway: "Seven, it's ok. Tom didn't really marry B'Elanna."
(No response.)
B'Elanna: "You didn't get this mad during "Course: Oblivion."
Seven (bringing the rifle to her shoulder and aiming over Tuvok's shoulder): "It was not cannon then."
(B'Elanna slips in behind Seven and starts kissing her neck.)
Seven: "You will not distract me."
B'Elanna: "Wanna bet?"
{As B'Elanna continues to kiss Seven the rifle wavers, and then points to the ground. B'Elanna then turns Seven and begins kissing her on the lips.}
Tuvok: "An unusual resolution, but an effective one."
Paris: "Aren't you going to take her into custody?"
(B'Elanna and Seven break their, kiss, but keep their foreheads connected as they turn and look at Tom.)
Tuvok: "If you wish for me to take Seven of Nine into custody I will do so."
Paris: "Uh, no. That's all right."
{Seven seems reluctant to do so, but she hands the rifle to Tuvok, just then the viewscreen comes to life showing Pearl and Bobo planet side in front of the Widowmaker.}
Pearl: "Boy am I good! Didn't even have to show you the episode and you are ready to kill each other."
Tuvok: "Tom Paris was the intended victim, and his natural personality tends to invalidate your results."
Pearl: "How so?"
Tuvok (addressing the bridge): "How many have ever thought of killing Tom Paris?"
(All hands on the bridge except Tom's rise.)
Tuvok (hand raised): "How many are thinking of killing him right now?"
(The hands stay up. Paris cringes.)
Pearl: "Ok, ok, you made your point. You episode today is "Repression" and believe me, you'll be trying to."
{Red alert sounds as the bridge crew gets into the turbolift.}

{In the theater the crew has already taken their seats (left to right) Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Seven, the Doctor, Harry and Paris.}
Seven: "Repression" After the episode "Retrospect" I already fear the outcome."
(B'Elanna takes Seven's hand.)
{The screen comes to life with a Bajoran talking about the Prophets singing.}
Harry: "Are they anything like the herald angels?"
{He puts a diagram of Voyager on his wall.}
Paris: "I bet that could take in a pretty penny at auction."
{He talks of the time of awakening.}
Doctor: "Just five more minutes, then I'll awaken."
{He talks about returning to the dark place from which all life springs.}
Janeway: "Paramount?"
{He says a primal energy charges your blood.}
Chakotay: "How much does it charge?"
{He says your mind awakens and focuses on its task.}
Janeway: "After awakening I can't focus on anything until I've had my coffee."
{He is shown to be looking at pictures of Chakotay, B'Elanna, and Tuvok in civilian clothing.}
B'Elanna: "Hey Chakotay, were all dressed sorta alike. When did our civvies get turned into a uniform?"
Chakotay: "Either when the writers got lazy or Paramount decided to cut costs."
B'Elanna: "So right away?"
{The screen changes to Voyager flying through space, and then changes to show Tom and B'Elanna walking down a hallway.}
Seven (sighing): "And so it begins."
(B'Elanna takes Seven's hand in hers.)
Seven: "It would be more acceptable it he treated you better."
B'Elanna: "Yeah it would, and I don't see that happening."
{He has given her fresh flowers and she says it seems like they are dating again.}
B'Elanna: "So what the hell were we doing the past 3 years?"
{He says it is the secret to a successful marriage.}
Paris (as himself): "I may not know a damn thing about maintaining a relationship, but I am the expert in marriages."
(Seven and B'Elanna look at him.)
Paris: "I think the writers realized they have turned me into a jackass and are now trying to fix things."
(They both give the helmsman a smile.)
{They step into a movie theater.}
(The crew's eyes get wide and they look alarmed.)
Seven: "I believe the forth wall is being damaged."
{She asks him if it is a lecture hall.}
Chakotay (laughing): "The only lectures Tom Paris has ever listened to are the ones from superior officers."
{She asks if it is a opera hall and fears another one of the Doctor's recitals.}
Doctor: "You should be so lucky, and I mean that. Would you rather hear me sing? Or be in a darkened theater with Tom Paris?"
{He tells her it is a theater from 1932 Earth.}
B'Elanna (under her breath as herself): "He's trying, he's trying. Its still part of his damn Earth obsession, but he's trying."
{He tells her the place is more about fantasy then form.}
Seven: "Which is appropriate since there is not other way Tom Paris could be considered suitable for B'Elanna."
B'Elanna (smiling and patting Seven's forearm): "Down girl."
{B'Elanna steps in chewing gum.}
B'Elanna: "Seems a good metaphor for the relationship between me and Tom. If you think of me as the gum."
{He hands he 3D glasses and she asks if they are protective lenses.}
Paris: "Sorta, it's so you'll have a harder time beating me up when I try to make a move on you."
{As Paris stretches and puts his arm around B'Elanna.}
(Seven gets a look on her face, and Paris makes an encouraging gesture. Seven then stretches and puts her arm around B'Elanna. To which she smiles and Paris grins.)
{He tells her people did not go to movies just for the movie and she asks what they went for.}
Paris (as himself): "The popcorn, even the replicator can't make it like they do."
{They start kissing.}
Paris: "Yep, we still got it."
Harry: "It?"
Paris: "That chemistry that makes you wonder if we're fully conscious."
{They start talking again and a women hushes them.}
B'Elanna: "Amen to that sister."
{B'Elanna says that it would be much better if they were alone.}
Doctor: "We'd be happy to oblige, but the holodeck doors are locked."
{The find a Bajoran crewmember catatonic in the front row.}
B'Elanna: "Hey! I know him?"
Janeway: "Could it be that the writers are starting to pay attention?"
Tuvok: "Unlikely. I suspect far more sinister motives."
{Now in sickbay Chakotay and the Doctor are standing over the crewman where Chakotay asks what happened to him.}
Doctor (as himself): "I believe the shock of appearing in more then one episode was too much for him."
{In the theater Tuvok questions Tom and B'Elanna suggesting they analyze the optical properties of the movie.}
Paris: "Revenge of the Creature? It's crap, that summary enough?"
{B'Elanna is off on her own and mentions something being funny. Tuvok then asks her what that is.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I think it's funny that the Maquis had not really been mentioned for roughly two years now and then suddenly it's brought back up. They must be desperate for story lines."
{Tuvok is called to sickbay where the Doctor notes a series of micro-fractures the indicate some sort of trauma.}
Doctor (as himself): "Of course for fracturing to occur there would have had to be some sort of trauma to cause any sort of fracturing, but I guess the writers are feeling fancy."
{The Doctor notes the head injury and sub-dermal contusions on his right shoulder. They deduce that he was attacked and Janeway orders yellow alert.}
Tuvok (as himself): "There will be no need Captain. Just confine Mr. Vorik and myself to the brig."
Janeway: "What makes you say that?"
Tuvok: "I have uncovered Paramount's sinister motive. They are reusing plot elements. Like our fifth experiment "Cathexis" they are attempting to stir up paranoia among the crew, and they have again made me the culprit."
Chakotay: "So what your saying is, we are going to face a collage of old episodes?"
Tuvok: "Correct I believe the reintroduction of the ensign is a perfect example. He was brought back for one episode and will most likely vanish immediately after it concludes."
{Janeway puts him in charge of the investigation.}
Seven: "Which would cause him to examine the medical records, if he had not already, and discover the use of the Vulcan neck pinch."
{He goes to the crewman's quarters and finds a female crewmember whom he questions.}
Tuvok: "And now we have our first false lead."
{In the captain's ready room Tuvok mentions his suspicions about the female crewmember and Chakotay says that close personal relationships are not a crime."
Tuvok (as himself): "No, but they should be."
{Tuvok tells Janeway about his hunch.}
Doctor (as Janeway): "Don't worry about it. You can barely see it."
Tuvok: "Now I am experiencing erratic behavior, and since I seem to be retaining some of my self control I should be able to question that."
Janeway: "Well now be fair, they need to fill an hours worth of program."
Tuvok: "Yes Captain, but they could have had me simply find evidence it had been done by an unknown crewmember, and my characterization would have not been disrupted."
{In engineering a crewman notes some pressure fluctuations and the female crewmember tells him to go check it out.}
(All laugh.)
Janeway (as the crewman): "Should I take the flashlight that's batteries are almost dead?"
Chakotay (as the crewman): "But I don't wanna die."
Tuvok (as the female crewmember): "You will find the area you need to check in the basement."
B'Elanna (as the crewman): "All right, I'll go. Yea I walk through the valley…"
Seven (as the female crewmember): "Can I have your room?"
Doctor (as the female crewmember): "Scream if you get killed."
Harry (as the female crewmember): "You think you have it bad? I'm the one that's going to have to deal with Tuvok finding me at another crime scene."
(Paris just does the Friday the 13th kill music.)
{The crewman is chased down in the Jefferies tube.}
Chakotay: "And he didn't even take a swing to defend himself. I think he's been out of the Maquis too long."
{The shot then jumps to sickbay where the crewman is shown catatonic on a biobed while the Doctor says the two have identical cortical readings.}
Doctor (as himself): "And since I found no traces of a chemical agent I would have to assume the attack was telepathic in origin, but ours are above suspicion so I have to say I'm stumped."
Janeway (as herself): "Well that's to be expected isn't it? I mean if they are not leading characters their differences are only cosmetic."
{They find out the female crewmember was the one who found him, and then when they find her in the mess hall she is catatonic like the rest.}
Paris (miming typing on a typewriter): "It was a dark and stormy night, a woman screamed, a shot rang out."
Harry: "Yeah, but I doubt they'll bring it together in the next chapter. Looks like just a plain ol plot twist from the Big Book O Plots."
{The shot comes back in sickbay where the Doctor says that if it keeps up he may have to open a coma ward.}
Doctor (as himself): "I checked the crew and over 80% have brain activity UNDER what qualifies as a coma."
{Chakotay shows Janeway that all the victims are former Maquis and says that it might be someone in her crew might not have been able to let go of the past.}
Chakotay (as himself): "It's that, or the writers are strip-mining it for plotlines."
{Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok and the Doctor move to the Doctor's office, and discuss how they have no clues. Tuvok saying how the assailant must have had access to security protocols.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Which is a clue in and of itself."
{Chakotay is seen addressing the former Maquis where Chell is asking what they are supposed to do.}
Harry (as Chell): "I haven't been seen in seasons! Now I am just supposed to trot out for 10-15 seconds of camera time!"
{Chakotay tells them to report anything suspicious to Tuvok, and they say they would rather report to him.}
Paris: "Tuvok is the ships "scary cat lady."
{Chakotay says they can not get paranoid, then orders them to pair off and arm themselves.}
Doctor (sighing): "I hope I am at least given some advance warning so I can be ready when they start shooting each other."
{In the holodeck Tom and Harry use displaced photons to get an image of the attacker.}
Doctor (alarmed): "Lieutenant Torres, how much radiation does the holodeck put out?"
Torres (sighing): "Not that much."
Harry: "Well it's not REALLY radiation, I mean photons are light."
Paris: "So they have us tracking displaced light?"
Chakotay (smirking): "You're chasing shadows."
Janeway: "I'm sure it's just because it sounds much more high tech then simply estimating the attackers height by analyzing the wounding on the victims."
{They are able to conjure up phantom images and Harry says it confirms someone else was there besides the victim.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Something we already knew because we determined the victim had not been transported there."
{Chell and B'Elanna talk conspiracies until they reach the turbolift and Seven disembarks.}
Seven (as herself, under her breath): "You were not able to get rid of him?"
B'Elanna (as herself, under her breath): "No, sorry. I'll meet you later, I promise."
{He says Seven may be involved and B'Elanna scoffs.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I have been at her mercy plenty of times."
Paris (as Chell): "Then what about those restraint marks you had after that "consulting" session?"
{Tuvok questions Harry, and he gets upset about being a suspect.}
Harry (sighing): "Throwing a hissy fit over standard procedures? It's season one all over again."
{Tuvok spaces out and says how the investigation defies logic.}
Tuvok: "Nothing defies logic, it simply acts under an unknown form of logic that is currently incomprehensible to the one perceiving the events."
{Chakotay find Chell on his own and he learns B'Elanna split from him and went to cargo bay 2.}
(All giggle.)
Janeway (as Chell): "But first she insisted on getting some flowers from airponics."
Chakotay (sighing, as himself): "I guess I'll have to break out the water hose again."
Tuvok (as Chell): "My attempts to hail her were greeted with profanity."
B'Elanna (as Chell): "And she seemed REAL eager to get there."
Seven (as Chell): "It was less than five minutes after we saw Seven of Nine at the turbolift."
Doctor (as Chell): "It was the strangest thing, Seven of Nine just made this beckoning gesture and B'Elanna was insisting she needed to go to cargo bay 2 alone."
Harry (as Chell): "I told her she might get attacked and she said, "I sure hope so."
Paris (as Chell): "I asked if I should join her and she slapped me."
{Chakotay enters cargo bay 2 and calls out to B'Elanna.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Get dressed and get out here, you too Seven."
{He finds B'Elanna catatonic.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Well she's catatonic, but she's not smiling, so Seven didn't do this to her."
Paris: "That's COLD she goes to cargo bay 2 hoping to get a little cybernetic sugar and gets attacked."
{Tuvok is seen and he attacks Chakotay, Chakotay using his commbadge to summon security. He then fights Tuvok.}
Chakotay: "Why don't I just tell them it's Tuvok while I'm at it?"
(The rest of the crew shrugs.)
{Voyager is seen flying through space which then changes to a montage with Janeway in voice over explaining that with Chakotay and B'Elanna the latest victims they have clamped down on their security measures.}
Seven (as Janeway): "And Seven has moved her alcove to B'Elanna's bedside."
{In cargo bay 2 Tuvok relates more of his hunches and Janeway orders him to take a break.}
Tuvok: "While it is commendable that they are accenting on my character they need to find ways to do so with out undermining my skills."
{Janeway says a fresh pair of eyes might help.}
Doctor (as Janeway): "The Doctor says it will be a minor surgery."
{Tuvok attempts to meditate and has mental flashes of the victims and the attacks.}
Chakotay: "Ok, now the shot looks like my out of body perspective from "Cathexis."
{He stumbles to his bathroom and finds a large bruise given to him when he fought Chakotay.}
Tuvok (as himself): "An immensely painful injury. Why didn't I notice that before?"
{He sees the Bajoran from the beginning in the mirror but with out gray hair.}
Tuvok (singing): "I'm starting with the man in the mirror…"
(The crew looks shocked.)
Janeway (recovering): "Credit where it's due the younger appearance is a nice touch."
{Tuvok heads to the holodeck and reveals that he is the attacker.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Since no one else has chosen to expose me as the attacker I have chosen to expose myself."
Harry (as himself): "Please! There's a lady present!"
{Tuvok tells the Captain the he must be confined to the brig for the safety of the crew.}
Janeway (as herself): "Well, this is not the first time I've heard that suggestion, but I never expected to hear it from you."
{In the brig the Doctor scans Tuvok, Janeway asks him if he can hear her.}
Janeway (singing): "Tuvok can you hear me, can you feel me near you?"
{He says another voice is trying to control him.}
Tuvok (as himself): "First that dog was trying to tell me what to do, and now this."
{She says he said it was a holy time, and she asks him what he meant.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Christmas is almost here."
{Tuvok tells them he has been attacking the Maquis with mind melds, and Janeway asks him why.}
Tuvok (as himself): "I am attempting to find out why they were willing to follow Commander Chakotay because it is incomprehensible to me."
{Tuvok rants and raves about the man controlling them.}
Tuvok: "I am fortunate that they found such a talented actor to fill my role."
{He says that on the day of the first attack he got a letter from his son. The one letter he did not review.}
Janeway (as herself): "I'm going to get engineering to put a neon sign over the clue incase that was not enough."
{In astrometrics Seven, Chakotay and Janeway find a hidden recording inside the recording.}
Paris: "Ahh great! Now Tipper Gore is going to slap a warning label on Star Trek."
{Seven asks why he would command Tuvok to mind meld with people 35,000 light years form the Federation.}
Seven (as herself): "Unless he would be using Tuvok's telepathic abilities to speed up the mind control process."
Janeway (as herself): "Yes, but what use could he have for the only Maquis who are not dead or in prison?"
{Tuvok flashes back to his brain washing.}
(B'Elanna takes Seven's hand and grips it firmly, Seven resting her head to B'Elanna's shoulder.)
{Janeway helps Tuvok meditate to recover the memories.}
B'Elanna: "Well if they are true to form it will all be made up in Tuvok's head and this Bajoran guy is an innocent bystander."
{The flashback ends.}
Seven: "They accurately conveyed the horror of the attack, and from the rest of the episode we can deduce that it actually happened. So we must also deduce they locked Brannon Braga in a closet while they wrote and shot the scene."
{He hails Chakotay and repeats a Bajoran phrase, in astrometrics Chakotay responds and says he understands.}
B'Elanna: "Good, then maybe you can translate it for the rest of us?"
{Chakotay walks into sickbay, deactivates the EMH and shoots Paris.}
Paris: "Why do I have a feeling you weren't resisting that command all that much?"
Chakotay: "Command, what command?"
B'Elanna: "Anyone notice I didn't blink an eye? Of course I also didn't say thank you, so something must be wrong with me."
Doctor: "Apparently Seven did not reinstate my autonomy after deactivating it in "Imperfection."
{B'Elanna is seen walking down a hallway with a phaser rifle.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "If you are going to shoot Paris, you have to do it right."
{Chakotay and a Maquis capture Janeway and her crewman, and he tells her he is taking over her ship.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Me and the five other people Tuvok managed to get to."
{Chakotay says that they have no intention of hurting anyone.}
Chakotay (as himself): "While it is true Seven was placed in restraints and taken to B'Elanna's quarters you can rest assured she went willingly."
{Voyager is shown flying through space and Chakotay speaks in voice over saying they are looking for a class M planet to dump the Starfleet crew on.}
Tuvok: "It must be asked why I simply did not mind meld with the rest of the crew?"
Janeway: "More importantly it must be asked how Chakotay plans on manning a ship with roughly one third of its compliment?"
{Chakotay calls Tuvok into the ready room and tells him to kill Janeway.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Oh goody, goody, goody."
{The phaser is revealed to be defective, but he passed the test and Chakotay and Tuvok are left alone. Tuvok then neck pinches Chakotay and mind melds with him.}
Paris: "Hey! Do mind melds normally leave bruising?"
Tuvok: "No."
Paris: "The why was the first victim fractured from it? I mean he got the neck pinch and was immobile so he would not have been resisting or anything."
{Chakotay comes back on the bridge and B'Elanna tells him Paris tried to engineer a break out.}
B'Elanna: "WOW! Those marriage vows got thrown out at warp speed."
{Chakotay tries to order B'Elanna to astrometrics but she insists she can scan from the bridge. She gets too questioning and everyone ends up going for their phasers.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Damn it B'Elanna! Why couldn't you just go play with Seven like you always do?"
{Tuvok and Chakotay free them from the brig, and Tuvok says he is back in control.}
B'Elanna: "I want to say that's a hint of Braga. You know "If you don't think about it, it will go away." But more likely it is a hint of 5 minutes left."
{Everyone is in the theater to watch Attack of the Lobster People.}
Paris: "I hope I had the decency to program replicas of Mike and the Bots."
Janeway: "Speaking of which, I wonder how they are doing. Mr. Kim, when we get back to the bridge I want you to attempt to hail them."
Harry: "Aye Mam."
{They get to the theater and Neelix offers them buttered or unbuttered popcorn.}
Paris: "Unbuttered movie popcorn? Sacrilege!"
{Janeway asks him about shooting at her, and he tells her he thought Chakotay would not give him a working weapon. She says it was not the best of logic and that she would pay more attention to his hunches.}
Janeway (as herself): "I will confine you to the brig immediately."
{As the episode ends and the theater reverts back to the holo-grid the crew stand and stretch and yawn as they make their way to the doors.}

{Back on the bridge the crew slump in their seats, except for the Doctor, but his holo-emitter can be seen resting on the Captain's arm rest, and Seven is in B'Elanna's seat at the engineering console with the engineer in her lap. On the viewscreen Mike, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo are shown on the bridge of the Satellite of Love.}
Crow: "So… the magnificent Seven."
Janeway: "Um, there are eight of us."
Crow (Pulling his gaze away from Seven.): "What? Oh, oh right? Eight of you."
Mike (swatting Crow): "So Captain… what's up?"
Janeway: "In this experiment Tom Paris created a holographic theater and took B'Elanna to a showing of "Revenge of the Creature."
(Mike and the Bots wince.)
Tom: "You mean with the Gill Man, and Professor Chet Squarejaw?"
Janeway: "Fortunately it didn't get that far."
Tom: "You are lucky."
{The screen splits to show Pearl and Bobo on a planet.}
Pearl: "Well if it isn't my favorite lab rats… the original series, and the next generation."
Mike: "Pearl, that was an all time low, a cheesy movie wrapped up in a cheesy TV show."
Pearl: "Why thank you. Though I can't take all the credit, some of it belongs to the great minds over at Paramount."
Crow. "Like who? Dr. Laura!"
Pearl: "Please! Don't insult me. I mean I may be evil, but I still have my standards. Until next week."
{Pearl pushes a button and the screen goes black.}

{Tuvok is shown in Maquis clothing pointing a phaser that fizzles.}