Mystery Series Theater 3000

Season 2


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Wyld's Notes: Special thanks to the wonderful Half Of One. She is putting together the MSTing page I have been dreaming of, and it will soon be released to you the viewing public. While it will have my address there until that point I can always be reached.

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This story features B'Elanna Torres and Seven of Nine in a loving relationship if you object to such things you may as well move on.

(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
Then on the way back to Earth they got off track,
Encountered Pearl Forester who went on the attack…
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Janeway: "I am Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation Starship Voyager."
Chakotay: "All hands brace for impact!"
Doctor: "I'll reattach any severed limbs, just don't misplace them."
Harry: "Hi. My name's Harry read-me-like-a-book Kim."
Paris: "Captain Proton to the rescue!"
B'Elanna: "I must be completely paranoid about getting caught in a compromising position."
Seven: "You are strong, You will make an excellent mate!"
Tuvok: "Both must resolve their Pon Farr before it kills them."

{The bridge of Voyager is darkened, but the Gamma shift crew does not seem concerned as they tend to the few duties Voyager requires during the night shift. Harry Kim seems to be enjoying the shift as well as he kicks back in the captain's chair.}
Helmswoman: "Sir, we are being hailed."
Harry (sitting forward): "On screen."
{Voyager's viewscreen comes to life with an interior shot of Pearl Forester's van the Widowmaker. She can be seen behind the divers seat with her hair shooting out madly in all directions, her eyes are bloodshot with dark circles. In the background Bobo can be seen sleeping in the back.}
Harry: "What, Pearl? It's not even morning yet?"
Pearl (baby talk): "Awww, did I wake the ensign up?"
Harry: "Well, no. I serve on Gamma shift so I was already awake."
Pearl: "No rest for the weenie huh?"
Harry: "Hey!"
Pearl: "Well there will be no rest for the rest of you either! If I have to drive all night I'll need something to keep me awake, and I think your screams will do nicely."
Harry (sighing, tapping his commbadge): "Kim to bridge staff, report to holodeck two."
Pearl (grinning evilly): "Even better! Now you were the one to wake them up."
Harry (frowning): "Care to tell me what we're up against?"
Pearl (laughing as she speaks): "35 minutes of mystery and 10 minutes of explanation."
{With a grumble Harry hands the bridge over to the helmswoman and gets into the turbolift.}

{Switching to the theater a sleepy crew can be seen shuffling into their seats (left to right) Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Seven, the Doctor, Harry and Paris.}
Janeway: "Care to explain Harry?"
Harry: "I'm sorry Captain, Pearl decided if she wasn't going to be able to sleep then we weren't going to either."
Chakotay: "So what are we up against?"
Harry: "Voyager's version of Spock's Brain, Chakotay's soul."
Paris: "Chakotay has a soul?"
Chakotay: "Excuse me?"
Paris: "I'm serious, I thought they explained souls away by this point."
Janeway: "Don't worry. I'm sure they will soon enough."
Harry: "I'm sorry for interrupting your sleep everyone."
B'Elanna (uniform jacket hanging open): "Yes…"
Seven (hair out of its bun): "…sleep."
{Voyager is seen flying towards the camera as Janeway speaks in voiceover saying how it is good to get away from being captain once and awhile.}
Janeway (as herself in voiceover): "Otherwise that self-destruct code gets too tempting."
{She says she is participating in a holo-novel.}
Janeway: "Wait, don't I end up kissing a hologram in this program as well?"
Tuvok: "It is an alarming pattern."
Doctor: "I guess you find holographic men irresistible."
Janeway: "That, or there isn't a single REAL man on the ship."
(Everyone looks at Seven and B'Elanna.)
Seven and B'Elanna: "What?"
{Janeway says the program is set is ancient England as the shot shows a English mansion}
Chakotay: "Wow! A writer with an eye for detail."
Tuvok: "Yes, and after writing that fact he was taken out behind the studio and shot."
{Janeway is seen in period garb being escorted into an English den.}
Paris: "This is what the Captain does to relax?"
Janeway: "Well it's not dressing up as Queen Arachnia, but it has its appeal."
B'Elanna: "I don't know… there is something about the whole prim and proper…"
(Seven arches her brow as the two idly hold hands.)
{An older British lady tells her the lordship does not like to be kept waiting.}
Paris and Harry: "Ohhhhhh its one of THOSE holo-programs."
{The older lady tries to bully Janeway into following her orders, and fails.}
(The crew makes meowing and hissing noises.)
{Janeway looks over the room she is in.}
Janeway: "I suppose I should enjoy it. It will be one of the few elements that will make it from one story to another with out there being a two part story involved."
{The lord of the manor appears and startles Janeway which he apologizes for.}
Janeway (as herself): "No I'm sorry. I just realized the episode is finally starting."
{The lord of the manor says he is not an easy man to live with.}
B'Elanna: "He must be a relative of yours Paris."
{The lord of the manor says he has not been much of a father and can not be a mother.}
Harry (as lord of the manor): "No matter how fetching I look in my wives dresses."
{The lord says Janeway's female presence may fill a void for the children.}
B'Elanna: "That's totally true, the right woman can fill a void you didn't even know you had."
{He says he hopes the children will not make things difficult for her.}
Tuvok: "It is obvious he has not spent much time with his children."
{He says that she must never go on the fourth floor.}
Harry: "Is it bad writing when it is a story INSIDE the show?"
{Harry hails Janeway and tells her he has Chakotay and Tuvok's shuttle on long range sensors.}
Janeway (as herself): "Well lock on weapons and fire."
B'Elanna: "Seven? You're rather quiet."
Seven (smirking): "I'm not in this episode."
B'Elanna (smirking): "Try not to let it go to your head."
{Harry describes their shuttle's damage and Janeway tells him to beam them to sickbay once they are in range.}
Seven: "Could he transport them before they are in range?"
{The shot changes to sickbay where Janeway is seen with a tight to her head hair bun.}
Seven (pouting and talking to the Doctor): "Now I know where you got my hair style."
{The Doctor says Tuvok and Chakotay took energy blasts to the head.}
Doctor (as himself): "Luckily it didn't hit them in a vital area."
{The Doctor says all the bio-neural energy has been drained from his brain.}
Chakotay: "Ok, ok, one at a time."
Janeway (as herself): "Yes, and?"
Chakotay (as the Doctor): "We think someone wanted to power their PADD."
Tuvok (as the Doctor): "Normally any energy in a neural structure would be biological, but in the case of Commander Chakotay we believe his brain is powered by static cling."
B'Elanna (as the Doctor): "His brain is so small it rolled out his ear."
Seven (as Janeway): "So will it impact his ability to carry out his duties?"
Doctor (as himself): "They took the rubber band!"
Harry (as the Doctor): "The hamster looks really confused and is trying to find his wheel."
Paris (as the Doctor): "The good news is we discovered he does in fact have a brain."
Janeway: "See not 10 minutes in and it's not a soul, it's a "consciousness"."
Seven: "By that logic the brain's bio-electricity could simply be replaced because the brains memories are chemically stored."
Paris: "And if the Doctor is the one who has to keep his heart beating then wouldn't it have stopped, and Chakotay died on the trip back to Voyager?"
{The Doctor pronounces Chakotay brain dead.}
Chakotay: "Anything else to say?"
(The rest of the crew snickers, but remains silent.)
{They are still in sickbay; Tuvok has woken up and says he feels they are lucky to have survived.}
Chakotay: "Technically I didn't."
{Tuvok says a ship came out of a dark matter nebula fired on them and went back in.}
Janeway (as herself): "That makes complete sense."
{Janeway asks if he has any idea why they were attacked.}
Paris: "Well they had a chance at Tuvok AND Chakotay. I think any of us would have taken that shot."
{Janeway asks why someone would want to extract Chakotay's neural energy.}
Paris: "They were out of double A batteries?"
{The Doctor says it would be of great help if he could analyze the weapon that extracted Chakotay's neural energy.}
Harry: "Heck, they could have used a soda straw."
{Tuvok joins Janeway on the bridge and says the weapon overloaded the computer core.}
Doctor: "So the weapons drained Chakotay's brain."
Tuvok: "Correct."
Doctor: "Overloaded the ship's computer core."
Tuvok: "Correct."
Doctor: "and you manage to walk away with nothing more then a concussion?"
Tuvok: "I am as confused as you are."
{Janeway says the dark matter nebula is perfect because it blocks sensors, but she tries to modulate sensors to penetrate.}
Janeway: "Because I'm sure no one tried to find them that way."
{They discover they changed course and Janeway questions Paris.}
Paris (as himself): "You'll thank me later."
Tuvok (as himself): "I warn you Ensign Paris, we know of your ability to proclaim your innocence so we will consider any claims carefully."
{Janeway asks Harry to check the navigational computer to find out where the heading change came from and he tracks it down to the helm.}
Harry (as himself): "I accuse Tom Paris."
{Janeway orders Harry to route the helm to his station and orders Paris to run a full diagnostic on his station.}
Paris (sobbing as himself): "You always liked him better!"
{The scene changes to sickbay where B'Elanna is setting up the medicine wheel.}
B'Elanna (putting her hand in front of Seven's eyes): "Don't look directly at the hair style."
(Seven cranes her neck, looks then looks back.)
Seven: "I like your hair longer."
B'Elanna (shrugging): "Me too."
{B'Elanna rubs a palm-sized rock on Chakotay's forehead.}
Doctor: "Ahh, a scale replica of Chakotay's brain."
{The Doctor enters and she explains the medicine wheel to him, explaining it represents the world inside and outside of the mind.}
Chakotay: "No it doesn't it represents the physical and spiritual realms. This is faith, not physics."
{She explains that when they are in a coma their soul has gotten lost on the wheel, and the Doctor sighs.}
Doctor (as himself): "I'll have you know medical science disproved the existence of the soul centuries ago."
{The Doctor corrects her by showing she would direct his soul, what he calls his consciousness into the Mountains of the Antelope Women, and that he may not want to leave.}
Doctor (as himself): "I mean let's be honest, I've even had more action than he has."
{The Doctor says it is his business to know about a variety of healing methods, including those based on psycho-spiritual beliefs.}
Janeway: "Commander?"
B'Elanna: "Feel better?"
Chakotay: "Not very, but yeah."
{The Doctor says the medicine wheel won't help.}
Doctor (looking at Chakotay and then speaking as himself): "Because it's all mumbo-jumbo."
{The Doctor says there is just not enough of his mind left to work with.}
(The entire crew, including Chakotay giggle.)
Doctor (as himself): "I know I've said that before, but I mean it this time."
{B'Elanna tells Chakotay to find his way home.}
Chakotay (as himself): "No thank you, being brain dead seems preferable."
{Kes is reading quietly in her quarters, when she feels a presence, the shot changing to show it watching her.}
Janeway: "It's a peeping presence."
{Kes and Neelix talk about her telepathic senses.}
Seven: "So they are able to accept telepathy, but not spirituality?"
{On the bridge they get turned around again and Harry says the helm is locked out.}
Janeway: "At least we are making a valiant effort to escape the plot."
{Paris comes up and says he finished the diagnostic then Tuvok says he managed to get past the lock out.}
Janeway:" Must not have been a very effective lock."
{The lock out came from Navigational Control and when Janeway hails Paris she says she just saw Paris in there which he denies.}
Paris: "Do you think they have established enough mystery about my actions?"
Chakotay: "I dunno, probably could use another 5-10 minutes of raising questions."
{He says he passed by Navigational Control and she must have thought he went in.}
Paris: "Nope, have to hammer that point a little harder it seems."
{Tuvok notes both deviations came from stations he was at.}
Harry: "Ah yes, the famous Vulcan logic."
{Janeway says she is willing to rule out mutiny for the moment.}
Janeway (deepening her voice as herself): "For now."
{Janeway orders Tom to get checked out by the Doctor and orders Lt. Durst to accompany him.}
Seven: "Lt. Durst?"
Janeway: "The writers attempt at a reusable redshirt, but they gave in and killed him off."
{The scene changes to sickbay and the Doctor is scanning Tom's head with a tricorder's sensor unit.}
Doctor (as himself): "Nope, not a thing, just ear to ear bone."
{Paris reminisces about his childhood doctor, made house calls, had current comics in his waiting room.}
Doctor (as himself): "He sounds even less real then I am."
{Tuvok arrives, and the Doctor reports that Paris is fine except for annoying lapses into nostalgia.}
Doctor (as himself): "I'm already prepping him for the lobotomy."
{Paris says Tuvok will have to round up another subject, and Tuvok contradicts him.}
Tuvok (as himself): You did something I just don't know what it is yet."
{Tuvok says he ran a cellular sweep in Navigational Control and found traces of Tom's DNA.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Just what WERE you doing in there?"
{Tom says he does not know what to think.}
Doctor (as himself): "We've told you before, it is best if you simply don't."
{On the bridge Tuvok and Janeway are at a station, Tuvok says he found the ion trail from the vessel that attacked them.}
Chakotay: "How would he know it was THAT vessel?"
Tuvok: "Plot Expediency."
Chakotay: "Huh?"
Janeway: "Smile and nod Commander, smile and nod."
{They drop to impulse and Janeway hails engineering, then B'Elanna, getting no response.}
B'Elanna: "I must be the only one in engineering."
Seven: "That or your crew has decided to ignore hails from the bridge."
{B'Elanna stands stunned and confused as the Captain tells her she shut down the warp core.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Oh, so that's what that siren means!"
{B'Elanna professes her innocence and Janeway asks what the hell is going on.}
Doctor: "At this point I think the writers aren't even sure."
{Janeway enters sickbay and the Doctor tells her he found something she is not going to like.}
Doctor (as himself): "The rest of the script."
{The Doctor shows a chart of Tom's brain activity and finds an anomaly at the times he would have tampered with the ship.}
Doctor (as himself): "It was an original thought so I knew it didn't belong."
{He notes B'Elanna had the same anomaly.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Great, Paris is contagious."
{The Doctor identifies the anomaly as another brain pattern.}
Doctor (as himself): "Because they are normally incapable of independent thought."
{The Doctor only offers one possibility that an alien took over heir bodies.}
Doctor: "One possibility? Ok, now I am just slacking."
Janeway (as herself): "Fortunately, it's the one possibility that advances the plot."
{Tuvok orders a level 4 security alert.}
Harry: "What? Is that were we hold our phasers on each other?"
{Janeway decides that since the alien wants to keep them out of the dark matter nebula that is precisely where they will go.}
Janeway (as herself): "Because anyone trying to keep us from going to a place we have already been attacked obviously has hostile intentions."
{They realize it can inhabit any organic being. So Janeway says the Doctor is the only one they can trust.}
All (but the Doctor): "WE'RE DOOMED!"
{Janeway transfers all the command codes to the Doctor.}
Doctor (as himself): "It's about time!"
{She says he will not be in command, but will be able to countermand their orders at any time if he feels they are under alien influence.}
Paris: "I'm surprised he bothered letting her finish that sentence."
{Kes runs up and tells them she detected the alien presence, as the camera angle switches to show the alien's view.}
Seven: "The alien's timing is impeccable."
Janeway (as herself): "Ok, but hoe do you know it is an unseen one? We didn't announce that."
{Harry and Durst walk down the hallway where Harry tells him they think it is a non-corporeal entity.}
Paris: "I hope it's non-corporeal if it's climbing inside my head."
{The elevator opens and Kes and Tuvok are collapsed on the floor.}
Paris (singing): "Love in an elevator, loving it up till I'm going down. Love in an elevator, living it up till I hit the ground…"
{A shot of Voyager is seen as Janeway does a voice over explaining an energy discharge that has Kes in a coma, but Tuvok relatively unharmed.}
Janeway (as herself in voiceover): "Again."
{Tuvok describes an energy discharge coming through the bulkhead and striking them both.}
Tuvok: "It is fortunate I am the one making the statement because anyone with basic security training would wonder how in two separate, yet similar events I emerge unscathed while my crewmate is gravely injured."
{Paris suggests a magnaton scanner, but says it scans only a small area. B'Elanna then suggests a magnaton flash scan.}
Doctor (as B'Elanna): "Sure we will be exposing the crew to high levels of radiation in a previously unused idea, but it will only be for a second."
{Harry spaces out and when he doesn't respond Tuvok pulls a phaser on him.}
Tuvok (as himself): "I have had enough of your day dreaming."
{B'Elanna scans him with a tricorder and says she does finding anything unusual.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Well except for his usual things."
{Janeway asks Harry what he was doing and he says he was thinking.}
Paris (as himself): "It's the alien! Harry doesn't think!"
{Janeway says she is disturbed by what just happened.}
Janeway (as herself): "We had a chance to shoot Harry and we didn't take it."
{Neelix hovers by in sickbay as the Doctor scans Kes talking about how a member of the crew changed his drink order.}
Chakotay (as Neelix): "Shouldn't we strap him into a dunking chair or something?"
{Neelix leaves and Tuvok enters he asks about her condition and the Doctor notes her neural energy is intact.}
Doctor (as himself): "Except for the normal degradation this series causes."
{He notes some bruises on her neck.}
Harry: "He gave her a hickey!"
{Tuvok joins Janeway in her ready room and tells her Kes was physically assaulted.}
Janeway (as herself): "Damn! Looks like we have ANOTHER Naval scandal on our hands."
{She thinks Tuvok should get scanned for memory disruption and they hail the Doctor, where they find out his program has been disabled.}
Tuvok: "It should be noted I was the last one seen with him."
{They think the alien wanted to force the command codes back into a humanoid host.}
Tuvok: "So of course the fact is ignored."
Janeway: "As well as the fact the Doctor was raising suspicions about injuries that you are the prime suspect in."
{They go to the bridge to tell them they will be splitting the command codes, but part way through Janeway pauses, drops Tuvok with a punch and goes for her phaser. He tells the crew to stun her because she is the alien.}
Tuvok (as himself): "At least I hope she is."
{The alien enters Harry and Paris hits him with an elbow and a backhand.}
Harry: "Ok now you enjoyed that."
(Paris makes scoffing noises and hand gestures.)
{Durst goes for his phaser and another crewman tries to disarm him. Tuvok sets his phaser for a wide beam and stuns them all.}
Harry: "I didn't know they could do that!"
Paris: "Enjoy, now he enjoyed that."
Tuvok: "I am a Vulcan and therefore do not experience joy, but that would come close."
Janeway: "Well, let's all experience some joy and take a break."
{The screen freezes on Tuvok's face as the crew make for the door.}

{Back on the bridge the crew is scattered about yawning and stretching out kinks.}
Paris: "I can't believe Pearl got us out of bed to watch Voyager."
Chakotay: "Could be worse, we could have had to watch it before bed."
Paris: "True enough, but don't give her any ideas."
Harry: "I still have to say, the episodes not that bad. Certainly not a Tsunkatse."
Janeway: "It's still season one. The writers still care. Any mistakes they make are more likely the result of Paramount asking too much and giving too little. It's after Taylor leaves that things really go to hell."
Paris (as Sir Alec Guinness): "Before the dark times, before the empire."
Janeway: "Before Braga."
Harry: "Are we really being fair?"
Chakotay: "You put someone at the helm and the ship crashes you have to wonder, but look at the facts once he took control the shows already bad ratings plummeted and instead of improving the writing they introduce eye candy. No offense Seven."
Seven: "None taken, luckily they picked the right piece of eye candy. If only the production staff, including Mr. Braga would start seeing the value underneath."
B'Elanna: "Not very likely. He only seems interested if something is being blown up. The characters are now as shallow as he is."
Paris: "Hey! He is like every other Hollywood producer out there… and it makes me want to cry."
Harry: "His show has scripts that you could find in any Baywatch, with sci-fi flavoring of course. He has the beautiful blonde girlfriend…"
B'Elanna: "Well so do I!"
Seven: "Yes, but you respect me for attributes other then my "attributes"."
Harry: "Yeah, I mean I may not be a counselor, but all he needs is the big, flashy expensive car."
Chakotay: "Well I am a counselor and our time is up. Now it is time to get back to the theater."
{The screen fades as the crew head for the turbolift while Janeway's voice is heard.}
Janeway (hushed): "I think after watching Voyager, therapy is in order."

{In sickbay Paris is seen giving Janeway a hypospray.}
Doctor: "Captain? Are we to the point we are administering the caffeine intravenously?"
{She talks to Harry and he says he will have to break through heavy encryption to get to the Doctor's program.}
Janeway (as herself): "They are also heavily versed in encryption. Someone quite handy at security measures. Who ever could it be?"
{Torres calls Janeway to engineering and she tells Paris he is their temporary medic.}
Paris (sighing): "And so it begins."
{In engineering Torres tells the captain she ran a parody trace scan on the shuttles logs.}
Janeway: "She's looking for a parody?"
(The crew duck down in their chairs.)
{Torres reveals there was no other ship and she asks why Tuvok would lie.}
Janeway (as herself): "Aha! I figured out what the audience has known for the past 20 minutes."
{Harry hails her to tell her they are approaching the nebula.}
Janeway: "We're in the home stretch. Though in this case it will just feel like the decade we have left before we hit federation space."
{They start to enter the nebula after Tuvok gives Harry the course, then Tom comes to the bridge and tells them that if he is interpreting that data right it was a Vulcan neck pinch that disabled Kes.}
Janeway (as herself): "Yes, let's take the course laid in by our heavily suspected crewmember."
Tuvok (as himself): "Yes, but we know enough about your abilities not to trust that diagnosis."
{Janeway confronts Tuvok, and when she tried to get them out of the nebula he orders Harry to take them in, an order he disobeys. Tuvok then pulls his phaser set on wide dispersion and on kill.}
Harry (as himself): "And SHE is supposed to be the bad guy?"
Paris: "Wow, this is almost dramatic."
{They obey and get into a group as he orders.}
Seven: "Resistance is not Futile until the Borg arrive."
{They detect energy based life forms heading towards them Janeway asks Tuvok if they are his people and he says they are the Komar.}
Harry: "A Komar, who hid among us? He's a Komar chameleon!"
(Paris decks Harry.)
Paris: "Sorry, but you deserved that one."
{The alien is seen flaying about in engineering where he possess Torres.}
Chakotay: "The way they have the alien enter the back of the head is a nice touch. That's where the Devil is supposed to enter when he possesses someone."
Janeway: "Think it's intentional?"
Chakotay (shrugging): "Who's to say, but it's nice to think so."
Seven: "I can sympathize with the alien. Lieutenant Torres is most difficult to stay away from."
{On the bridge they learn Torres ejected the warp core. Harry realizes they must have two entities, the one that has been traveling through out the crew and the one in Tuvok. Janeway realizes one is Chakotay when she says Torres does not have clearance to eject the warp core.}
B'Elanna: "Wait! I don't?"
Janeway: "Of course not, what reason would the "chief engineer" have to eject the warp core?"
{Harry argues that it could not be Chakotay because he is in sickbay, brain dead.}
Chakotay: "That's never stopped me before."
{Harry notes they are being bombarded by the energy beings. Janeway then slides under the railing and activates the flash scan from her console. Which disables Tuvok.}
Janeway: "That would have been a nice touch if they didn't have Tuvok note that even he would be disabled by it when he told me about it in my ready room."
B'Elanna: "I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting tired."
Seven: "Fortunately the conclusion seems to be dramatic enough to warrant less dialogue on our parts."
{When they try to get out they have trouble plotting a course.}
Seven: "So the current sensors were capable of seeing in to locate the "ion trail" but not enough to find a way out?"
Tuvok: "I believe the logic is that I was feeding the information to the system."
Seven: "Yes, but you would need the sensors to monitor your relative position."
Tuvok: "Agreed."
{Chakotay flies into sickbay where he possess Neelix and rearranges the stones on the medicine wheel into a star map.}
Seven: "Commander Chakotay would need sensors to know his relative position as well."
Chakotay: "Well it could be that my spiritual state of being allows me access to greater senses, but since there is no such thing in Star Trek we just have to chalk it up to lazy writing."
Seven: "That does raise the question why what they have designated your neural pattern would have knowledge of a nebula that he was only outside of for a moment."
{In voiceover as Voyager flies through space Janeway says they retrieved the warp core and are now hoping the Doctor will be able to restore Chakotay's consciousness.}
Chakotay: "Again with the "consciousness."
{In sickbay they try to wake up Chakotay.}
Doctor (as himself): "Ok, ok we're getting the MS Windows Screen."
{The Doctor says it took neural transceivers, cortical stimulators, and gigaquads of memory.}
Chakotay: "I thought it was stated that I couldn't interface with technological systems?"
{Janeway asks him what happened and he says when the energy beam hit he felt disembodied, and thought he was dead. Then she asks him about when he returned to Voyager.}
Chakotay (as himself): "I thought I was in hell."
{She welcomes him back and he says he thought he never left.}
Chakotay (as himself): "That was the worst part, not even death would spare me from the series."
Chakotay: "But I can escape this episode. I'm out of here!"
{The screen goes blank, as the crew stand while the holodeck changes back to it's normal grid.}

{On the bridge the crew have taken their stations.}
B'Elanna: "I don't know about the rest of you, but I want to get back to bed."
Harry: "Sleep? I don't think I'll ever want to sleep again!"
B'Elanna: "Yes, but I have a teddy Borg."
Janeway: "Unfortunately Alpha is about to start. I suggest we all go back to our quarters, get ready, and head back."
(The rest of the crew groans.)
Janeway: "I know, I know, blame Pearl."
{On the viewscreen Pearl appears. Her sys still blood shot and her hair still wild.}
Pearl: "My ears are burning. Did someone speak my name."
Chakotay: "Well what do you know? Speak the devil's name and she will appear."
Pearl (blushing): "Why Chakotay, you flatter me!"
Chakotay: "Right."
Janeway: "I guess we should thank you for a light episode."
Pearl: "Don't thank me, this was the first season. Just imagine what season Seven will be like."
B'Elanna: "Now I think I am afraid to sleep."
{Pearl starts laughing maniacally and then pushes the button, and the screen goes blank.}

{A shot of the Doctor in sickbay standing in front of the medicine wheel saying. "I'm afraid there is just not enough of his mind left to work with."}