Mystery Series Theater 3000

Season 2


Comments to

Wyld's Notes: Here we go again. Right now I am picking the episodes as
I MSTie them, but I am open to suggestions.

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no
profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe
upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any
other rights are reserved. This story features B'Elanna Torres and
Seven of Nine in a loving relationship if you object to such things
you may as well move on.

(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
Then on the way back to Earth they got off track,
Encountered Pearl Forester who went on the attack.
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Janeway: "I am Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation Starship
Chakotay: "All hands brace for impact!"
Doctor: "I'll reattach any severed limbs, just don't misplace them."
Harry: "Hi. My name's Harry read-me-like-a-book Kim."
Paris: "Captain Proton to the rescue!"
B'Elanna: "I must be completely paranoid about getting caught in a
compromising position."
Seven: "You are strong, You will make an excellent mate!"
Tuvok: "Both must resolve their Pon Farr before it kills them."

{The screen comes to life with the image of Captain Kathryn Janeway
sitting in her command chair. She is clad in a fluffy white bathrobe
and similar white slippers. The rest of the bridge appears to be empty
except for a silver decanter next to her chair, and he lucky coffee
cup which she alternates sipping from, and simply sniffing, both
actions fueling the blissful look on her face. The camera then pulls
back to show the rest of the command staff standing off to the side
and shaking their heads.}
Chakotay: "She's been like this ever since we got the coffee from Mr.
Doctor: "It's amazing, it seems to be having a narcotic effect."
Tuvok: "Impossible, I scanned it thoroughly."
Paris: "It's like Cat-ptain nip."
Janeway (sighing happily): "Would anyone like a damn fine cup of
Harry (nodding and stepping forward): "What? I'd like a damn fine cup
of coffee."
B'Elanna (taking Seven's hand): "Are you ok?"
Seven (head hung down): "I believe I am to blame for the Captain's
state. I was able to take a sample from the supplied beans and
engineer a growable plant."
(The rest of the crew gasps.)
Tuvok: "Could it be this new plant that is causing the effect?"
Seven (her head shooting up): "No, the plant is identical, I believe
the effect is uniquely Janeway."
{The screen comes to life showing the inside of the Widowmaker with
Pearl and Bobo.}
Pearl: "Hum trying to get a little something for the pain? I don't
blame you, not that it will help."
Janeway: "Pearl! How would you like a damn fine cup of coffee?"
(Pearl bug eyes Janeway for a moment, then nods. At which she nods to
Bobo and after Janeway fills a cup it is beamed to the Widowmaker.)
Peal (sipping): "This IS good coffee!"
Harry (sipping): "It reminds me of Starfleet command."
Janeway (sipping): "What was that captain's name?"
Pearl, Harry, and Janeway: "JEAN LUC!"
(The rest of the crew looks on confusedly as Peal drains the rest of
her cup.)
Pearl: "All righty then, let's get down to business. Since you're new
meat and all I think I will go easy on ya. In "Lifeline" you get to
see the Doctor harass himself."
B'Elanna: "Don't worry if ya go blind Doc, I'll fix ya."
Doctor: "Very funny."
Pearl: "All right my little voyagers turn your head and cough for
Harry: "We've got episode sign!"
Janeway: "Would you grab the coffee number one?"
{Chakotay grabs the coffee as the crew make a dash for the turbolift,
Janeway walking a much calmer pace with her mug still in hand. The
closing of the turbolift doors ending the scene.}

{The screen comes back in on a mid 20th century theater where the
crews silhouettes can be seen settling into their seats (left to
right) Janeway who managed to change back into uniform on the trip to
the holodeck, Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Seven, the Doctor, Harry and
Tuvok: "Lifeline" a harmless enough title."
Chakotay: "Is that your final answer?"
{The scene opens showing a space station.}
Chakotay: "It was our last, best hope for peace, that stations name.
oops wrong show."
{The shot changes to the inside of a shuttlecraft where we see
Reginald Barclay who gets clearance to dock.}
Paris: "Whew! I thought Howling Mad Murdock had made it into the 24th
{The shot changes to the insides of a lab where a familiar voice
allows Barclay in where the shot then turns to show Dr. Zimmerman.}
Doctor: "Daddy?"
Harry: "Here he is, the man responsible for the EMH Mark 1."
Tuvok: "You would think he would be in a holding cell."
{Zimmerman asks if they were still looking for that ship, and calls it
All: "Same to you pal!"
{Barclay asks if he heard anything new from Starfleet Medical.}
B'Elanna (as Zimmerman): "No, they are still refusing to have anything
to do with me after my creation of the Mark 1."
{Zimmerman says he has been scanned and probed a hundred times.}
Janeway (as Zimmerman): "The probing wasn't that unpleasant but I'm
starting to get sore."
{Zimmerman says he is dying and there is nothing anyone can do about
Paris: "At least there is one bright side to this episode."
Doctor: "Excuse me, but this is my father we are talking about!"
Seven: "We are already watching a Voyager episode, and any further
mourning would most likely crush our spirits."
B'Elanna: "Yeah Doc, just think of it as gallows humor."
{The screen changes to a shot of Earth.}
Janeway: "Well now Pearl is just teasing us."
Chakotay: "That, or we are watching a Greenpeace commercial."
{The shot changes to a satellite activating.}
Harry (as TV announcer): "With our new satellite we can bring you over
18 channels of porn."
{The shot changes again to Seven in astrometrics where the main screen
comes alive with shots of Federation ships, planets, and a guy in
Starfleet uniform.}
Seven (as herself): "Finally my beta version of Starfleet: Armada is
{Seven hails the bridge and tells them about a transmission from
Starfleet, and then on the bridge Janeway tells Seven to route it to
the bridge.}
Janeway: "I don't think the one transmission over the Hirogen array
counts as making a transmission from Starfleet such a casual thing."
{In Voyager's conference room Janeway tells them it was all they could
send that month, and that they are using a cyclic pulsar which peaks
every 32 days.}
Seven: "B'Elanna has a similar cycle."
{Chakotay tells them they have received tactical updates, letters from
home, and news about the Alpha Quadrant.}
Chakotay (as himself): "There were also several hundred offers for low
interest rate credit cards."
{Janeway tells them they don't have much time to reply, but she wants
to give everyone a chance to send something.}
B'Elanna: "I be able to tell mom about the woman in my life."
(Seven's eyes get wide and frightened as B'Elanna grins at her.)
{The scene changes to sickbay where Neelix comes in and tells a
surprised EMH he has mail.}
Paris: "He's no where near the AOL voice."
Chakotay (as Neelix): "No, YOU don't have any mail. I'm just letting
you know everyone else does."
{The letter tells him about Dr. Zimmerman being sick.}
B'Elanna: "Zimmerman? Why is that familiar to me?"
{He tells him Zimmerman made the matrix that made his program
possible. Then Neelix asks what is wrong with Zimmerman.}
Paris (as the Doctor): "He's the one who made my program possible."
{Seven enters sickbay and hands the Doctor a PADD. She notices he is
reviewing Zimmerman's file, and that they bear a striking physical
resemblance. The Doctor then tells her he used his own physical
parameters for his program.}
Doctor (as himself, touching his head): "Damn him!"
{The Doctor says that he could not blame him, because compassionate
eyes, and a strong chin can go a long way.}
Seven (as herself): "I fail to see how that relates to you."
{Now in Janeway's ready room the Doctor tells her he can help him, and
asks if she remembers the Vidians.}
Janeway (as herself): "Ah yes, the leather faces."
Seven: "Yes, but they did make two B'Elanna's."
B'Elanna: "Actually they made two halves."
Seven (grinning): "Yes, one dominant, and one submissive."
(Seven continues to grin while B'Elanna grumbles.)
{The Doctor suggests sending his program to the Alpha Quadrant, and
says Paris is perfectly capable of taking care of sickbay.}
All: "What?"
Tuvok: "I believe the EMH is malfunctioning."
B'Elanna: "That or lying through his teeth."
Doctor (pointing at the screen): "He said it, not me!"
{Janeway says that they did do it, three years ago, using alien
Janeway (as herself): "Heaven knows we wouldn't have an easier time
with our own technology."
{The Doctor says Seven believes his program should be able to be
Seven (as the Doctor): "Then she put on gloves, and said it was liable
to get messy."
{Janeway says that she met Dr. Zimmerman at a conference and he
managed to offend almost everyone.}
Harry: "You are your fathers son."
{The Doctor tells Janeway they owe him for every life the Doctor has
Janeway (as herself): "Yes, but by that logic we also have to blame
him for all your attitude."
Doctor (as himself): "I was hoping you wouldn't think of that part."
{Janeway relents and agrees to let him go, but he has to get Paris to
agree to the shifts The Doctor says he already has.}
 Doctor: "Though it involved giving him access to several
"recreational" pharmaceuticals."
Paris: "After this I'll probably need them."
{The screen suddenly changes to the inside of the Widowmaker. Pearl is
on the screen.}
Pearl: "As Mike so HELPFULLY pointed out, since they get one break per
hour that you should too."
Tuvok: "Per hour? How many hours do their experiments take?"
Pearl: "Well most B grade flicks will take up the full two, but I give
them short films to make up any difference."
Doctor: "That's inhuman!"
Pearl: "Why, thank you! Now no more delaying tactics, go take your
break. You still have yet to see the battle of the baldys."
{As crew makes their way to the arch to exit as the scene fades.}

{Back on the bridge a table is set up with Tom Paris on one side and
Seven of Nine on the other.}
Paris: "Welcome back to "Who want's to be a millionaire!" Our next
contestant is one Seven of Nine who comes to us from Unimatrix Zero
One. How are you tonight Seven?"
Seven: "I am fine Lieutenant Paris."
Paris (whispering): "No, I'm Regis right now."
Seven (arching her brow): "I am fine. Regis."
Paris: "Now, would you like to be a millionaire?"
Seven: "I thought the Federation discarded currency as irrelevant?"
Paris (running his hand down his face): "Say yes."
Seven: "Yes."
Paris: "Ok and now for your first question. What did B'Elanna call
Harry when she first met him? Was it A. Harry B. Hey you! C. Tiny or
D. Starfleet?"
Seven: "She referred to Ensign Kim as D. Starfleet."
Paris: "That is correct! Now the questions are going to get harder and
harder as we move closer to the million dollar prize, and now for your
next question. When you bit B'Elanna's cheek was it because. A. You
wanted to verify if she really did taste like chicken? B. You thought
her mole was a fly that refused to be swatted away? C. That klingon
voice in your head made you do it? D. That klingon voice in your head
just told you how to do it?"
Seven: "You will have to clarify which biting incident."
Paris (blushing): "The one in engineering."
Seven: "Again, you will have to clarify."
Paris: "The one where you were having the multiple personalities!"
Seven: "Then the answer would be D. That the Son of Kvok shared my
consciousness and knew of my own desire to mate with B'Elanna."
Paris: "Very good, now for your next question. After you shocked the
Hirogen trying to cut us off from the array what happened after the
doors closed? Was it A."
B'Elanna (coming from off screen): "All right, that's enough Paris!"
Paris (gulping): "I'd like to use a lifeline?"
B'Elanna: "You'll be needing one!"
(Paris makes a break for it with B'Elanna in hot pursuit.)
Seven (arching her brow and walking to Harry's station.): "It appears
we have episode sign."
{Seven keys the console and walks to the turbolift as the scene

{The crew's silhouettes are seen returning to their seats, B'Elanna's
and Tom's noticeably vacant. Tom then dashes in followed by an enraged
Seven (standing and catching B'Elanna with her enhanced arm, them
wrapping B'Elanna in both): "You have sufficiently defended my honor."
(B'Elanna grumbles, but lets Seven guide her to her seat.)
{The screen reopens in sickbay, panning to the Doctor singing; singing
that is suddenly cut off.}
Janeway: "The episode seems to be looking up."
{The Doctor looks to Seven whom is at the console in sickbay, and
finds out she extracted his singing ability to compress his program.}
Doctor (as himself): "I know you are trying to make more friends among
the crew, but this is not the way to go about it!"
{Seven tells him his program is too large for the data stream.}
Doctor (as himself, primping): "Why thank you."
{Seven lists activities the Doctor would not likely to be doing in the
Alpha Quadrant, including sexual activities.}
Doctor (as himself): "Well, hope springs eternal."
Janeway: "You emasculated him with the push of a button? Women
everywhere would kill for that secret!"
B'Elanna (whispering to Seven): "Could you say "sexual activities"
(Seven grins, leans in and whispers into B'Elanna's ear. Which causes
the engineer to shiver.)
{Seven tells him they had to get rid of twelve megaquads, but the
Doctor wants to leave some enhancements for Zimmerman to see. He
thinks that his own development could spark a revolution in
holographic research.}
Tuvok: "I believe you could get rid of the 12 megaquads through the
extraction of his ego."
{The shot changes to astrometrics where Janeway tells the Doctor bon
voyage, and Harry tells him not to get lost as he removes the Doctor's
mobile emitter.}
Seven (as herself): "and don't come back."
Paris: "He does have the bald head, all we need to do is dress him in
the yellow and black."
Harry (as himself): "No, no, you go ahead, get lost."
{The shot shows the stations from the beginning, and then Zimmerman's
lab. Barclay enters as a woman is preparing Zimmerman's meal. Barclay
enters with a cylindrical device and asks it if the download is
Harry: "I am sensing a Prince Albert in a can joke, but I don't want
the Doctor let out."
{The lady goes into Zimmerman's room and asks him see Barclay, and be
civil because they are all worried about him.}
Chakotay (as Zimmerman): "You've known me all these years, my
personality is not about to improve."
{The Doctor materializes and Zimmerman tells him he is obsolete. The
Doctor tells him he is well versed in handling difficult patients.}
Doctor (as himself): "After treating a half klingon for a Borg bite
you just don't match up."
{Zimmerman agrees to let the Doctor scan him.}
Doctor (as himself): "Ok, now turn my head and cough."
{Zimmerman sends the Doctor to the living quarters and Barclay asks
him how it went.}
Doctor (as himself): "I am going to cure his disease, and then I am
going to kill him."
{The Doctor comes storming out of Zimmerman's room and tells them how
Zimmerman reconfigured his tricorder to show results for a Vulcan
marsupial, and Barclay laughs. The Doctor asks him if he thinks it is
Chakotay (as himself): "I think we all do."
{The lady tells him that Zimmerman only teases those he likes.}
Paris: "So, the Doctor's attitude is his way of showing he cares?"
All (but the Doctor): "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."
(The Doctor grumbles.)
{The Doctor says that Zimmerman is suffering an acute case of
Harry: "I believe we have the first case of a disease jumping from a
human to a hologram."
{The Doctor learns of Roy, a holographic insect used for surveillance.
He then squishes the bug with a book, and is glad he managed to
accomplish something.}
Tuvok: "Does killing normally improve your disposition?"
{Barclay talks to Troi over subspace, and she says that she has to
clear it with Captain Picard.}
Janeway: "I doubt he will want to have anything to do with this
{Chakotay enters Janeway's ready room and shows him the message from
Starfleet asking about her Maquis crewmembers. She says how she does
not think of them as Maquis anymore, but he says that they have not
Chakotay (as himself): "No matter how much the scripts ignore it."
{Janeway asks him if he has plans for lunch.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Not tonight captain, I have a headache."
{She wants him to help her draft a reply.}
Janeway (as herself): "And no profanity this time."
{The female is seen preparing another meal and when she hails
Zimmerman moaning comes back over the channel.}
B'Elanna: "Quick Doc! Cover you ears! There is nothing worse then
walking in on your parents."
Paris: "Speaking from experience are we?"
B'Elanna (shivering and burying her face in Seven's shoulder): "I
don't want to talk about it."
{The scene changes to Zimmerman getting a massage from a
"Insurrection" slave-girl alien. He tells her about waking up to find
the EMH-1 hovering over him with a hypospray.}
Paris: "Now I must be old fashioned, I prefer a good old bucket of
warm water."
{He finds out the alien is a disguised Doctor.}
All: "Argh!"
{The Doctor tells him to stay calm.}
Chakotay (as Zimmerman): "How would you react if you learned your male
offspring likes dressing as a woman?"
{Zimmerman tries to get the Doctor to do as he says.}
Tuvok (as Zimmerman): "While you're under my roof you'll follow my
{Troi enters the room and introduces herself.}
Seven: "I didn't know Counselor Troi was a family therapist."
B'Elanna: "I don't think she is."
Seven: "I believe she will not be sufficient."
{Zimmerman pinches Troi, thinking she is a hologram.}
Paris: "He must be sick, there are far better places to pinch a woman
like that."
{The Doctor describes Zimmerman's terminal illness symptoms as
anxiety, agoraphobic, paranoid, and extremely antagonistic.}
Seven: "Doctor? Is your program degrading?"
{Troi mediates.}
All (singing): "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon.
Little boy blue and the man in the moon."
{Troi says she realized they are both the same, both jerks.}
Seven: "A sound analysis."
{The holo-iguana repeats the jerks comment.}
Harry: "You know you are bad off when even the pets turn against you."
{In Zimmerman's lab's living quarters Troi says that the EMH has
locked himself on a holodeck. Barclay telling her he just loaned the
EMH his Voyager simulation.}
Doctor: "I managed to get away, and now I am going back to Voyager on
my free time? I suppose I'll be infecting myself with holographic
viruses next."
{The female gives the counselor a bowl of her favorite ice cream and
Troi says she does not deserve it.}
Seven: "Has she been a bad counselor?"
(B'Elanna smirks, which causes Seven to arch her brow.)
{The female is revealed to be a nine year old hologram that Zimmerman
has kept online.}
Paris: "The less said about that, the better."
{Troi asks her why Zimmerman made the EMH in his own image.}
B'Elanna: "Well that is a psychological case in and of itself."
{Troi questions Barclay and the female hologram and realizes it was
the EMH Mark 1's failure that is causing Zimmerman's hostility.}
Chakotay: "I guess I must be a better therapist then I thought, I
figure that out awhile ago."
{The shot changes to an unlit interior shot of Zimmerman's lab, and he
is seen telling the computer to resume recording.}
Doctor (singing, as Zimmerman): "Swing low, sweet chariot."
{Zimmerman records his will, and at one point starts groaning in pain
at one point.}
Doctor: "This man is not well! He should not be exposed to this much
of the episode!"
{He has the computer pause recording.}
Seven: "A good idea, a recording of the Doctor's voice panting and
groaning is far to upsetting to consider."
{He assures his holographic iguana that he will find a home for him
Harry (as Zimmerman): "A young boy by the name of Jason Fox expressed
{Troi enters the Voyager simulation and talk with the Doctor where he
mentions there are a few problems, like Neelix not purring.}
Paris: "Now THERE is an upsetting idea."
{Troi tries to convince the Doctor to join them for dinner.}
Doctor: "An actual GOOD scene?"
Tuvok: "The human idea of the thousand monkeys, with the thousand
typewriters comes to mind."
{The Doctor flickers and Troi hails Barclay to tell him something is
wrong with the EMH.}
(All but the Doctor laugh.)
Janeway: "One at a time."
Janeway (as Troi): "And it's finally starting to get to me!"
Chakotay (as Barclay): "You just noticed?"
Tuvok (as Troi): "Or more to say something ELSE wrong."
B'Elanna (as Barclay): "No that's how he is normally."
Seven (as the Doctor): "It happens to every man!"
Doctor (as himself): "Relax, the crew of Voyager got used to me, and
so can you."
Harry (as Barclay): "I'm working with the crew of Voyager to fix the
Paris (as Troi): "Don't worry, I'm an empath, cuddling is just as
[Barclay tells the Doctor his program is destabilizing, and blames it
on being sent 30,000 light years.}
Tuvok (as Barclay): "I just took the past few weeks for it to take
All: "I wonder who will save him?"
{Troi, Barclay, and the female hologram try to convince Zimmerman to
help the Doctor, and he tells them he will send a Mark 4, but Barclay
says they don't want a Mark 4.}
Paris: "Woah, woah, woah, not so fast!"
{Zimmerman tells them the EMH-1 was not designed to be anyone's
Chakotay (as Zimmerman): "And neither am I!"
Tuvok: "It could be noted the personality for the EMH Mark one has
been extrapolated from Doctor Zimmerman's."
{The female confronts him about she is just as much a hologram as the
All: "Dunh Da Daaaaaa."
{Zimmerman says he will not be ambushed in his own lab.}
Janeway: "Too late."
{Zimmerman tells the EMH he is treating him, and at one point says
B'Elanna: "See? It's not as much fun when you are the one being oopsed
{Zimmerman tells the EMH about installing new subroutines for things
like empathy and compassion.}
Harry: "Woo hoo!"
Paris: "Go Zimmerman!"
All (but the Doctor): "Zimmerman, Zimmerman, Zimmerman!"
(The Doctor settles back in a huff.)
{Zimmerman tells him about the Mark 1's scrubbing plasma conduits,
with his face.}
Seven: "They are using Doctor Zimmerman's face to scrub plasma
{The Doctor manages to get Zimmerman to agree to the treatment.}
Janeway: "That was actually rather touching."
Seven: "B'Elanna?"
B'Elanna (sniffling): "I'm fine."
(Seven puts her arm around B'Elanna and she snuggles right in.)
{The Doctor confronts Barclay in the living quarters about sabotaging
his matrix.}
Tuvok: "We are now approaching the not-so dramatic conclusion."
{Back in the lab Zimmerman tells the EMH-1 to drop him a line in the
next transmission.}
B'Elanna (sighing, snuggling more against Seven): "I miss mom."
{The scene shows the Doctor and Zimmerman through a holo-camera, and
Chakotay: "Well, for a simplistic story idea, and a pathetic attempt
to draw on the popularity of another series it ended rather well."
Paris: "I think the important thing is that it ended."
Doctor: "Hear, hear!"
Janeway: "Let's go."
{The theater fades back to the holodeck's grid and the crew make for
the arch. Seven keeping her arm around B'Elanna's shoulders.}

{Back on the bridge the crew stands about, chatting after the
Janeway: "Are you alright lieutenant?"
B'Elanna (her arm now around Seven's waist as well): "It was just
seeing the Doctor with his dad, made me think of my mom. I mean after
the Barge of the Dead I thought that she was dead, but she implied she
was alive."
Seven (pulling her arm tighter around B'Elanna): "But then we
contacted Starfleet via the MIDAS array and learned she was alive."
B'Elanna (nodding): "Yeah."
{The screen comes to life inside the Widowmaker with Pearl giggling
Pearl: "This will be easier then I thought, the episodes are already
destroying you!"
B'Elanna: "The what?"
(Pearl stares at the crew blankly.)
B'Elanna: "Oh, right, the show. So when's the next one?"
Pearl (growling): "Push the button Bobo."
{Fade to black.}

{The shot of the Doctor and Zimmerman facing each other. Zimmerman
saying, "I brought your matrix into this world, and I can take it