Mystery Series Theater 3000

Spirit Folk

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This was written by a J/7er, heavy on the 7. If f/f themes offend you, you have my sympathy and my recommendation that you find something else to read.

Dedication: First, this is dedicated to Gina L. Dartt. While this has no connection to her "Just Between" stories, I was heavily influenced by her works and you will find tributes to her at various spots. It is also dedicated to all my new friends I have made at Sandrines. I hope everyone enjoys.

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Authors Note: Special thanks to Space Cadet and Ann Marie for their help in bringing this to life… or more to say giving the episode the death it deserved.

(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
But the Queen decided she wanted Seven back
So she tracked down the USS Voyager and went on the attack
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Captain Janeway: "Janeway to Astrometrics."
Seven: "Captain Janeway to Astrometrics."
..and the rest
B'Elanna: "What's this "and the rest" nonsense???"
On Mystery Series Theatre 3000

{Fade in on the Captain's Quarters in a scene similar to Night, but instead of Chakotay coming to Kathryn in her darkened quarters, it is Seven of Nine walking in, the doors opening for her with out needing Janeway's approval.}
Janeway (without looking up): "I can't do it Seven, I just can't."
(Seven walks behind her, slowly turning the woman around and pulling her into an embrace, her face nuzzling the captain's auburn locks.)
Janeway (after standing silently for several moments): "Isn't this the part where you tell me "Fear is irrelevant, we will succeed."?"
Seven (speaking softly, tenderly): "Success is irrelevant, you are essential."
Janeway: "It's not just me we are talking about here. You'll be watching me…"
Seven (interrupting): "Not you."
Janeway: "You'll be watching a version of me cavorting with, codling, having emotions for an icon. How will you feel?"
Seven: "I will feel sorry for that Janeway who would prefer a cold holodeck to a warm alcove."
Janeway (grinning slightly at her partner): "Her loss huh?"
Seven (arching her eyebrow implant. smiling): "Indeed"
(Seven's commbadge chirps. Even as Seven spares her badge a quick glance, Janeway gets an amused expression on her face.)
Janeway: "Let me guess, five minute countdown?"
Seven: "Seven minute countdown."
(Janeway laughs.)
Seven: "B'Elanna's idea, she will be pleased it had the desired effect."
Janeway: "It did, it did."
Seven: "Are you ready?"
Janeway: "No."
Seven: "Me neither, but it's time."
{The scene fades from the captains quarters and fades into the theater, the silhouettes of the crew shuffling about and taking their seats. Seven at the far left with her arm around the Captain on her right. Chakotay, then Tuvok, Harry, Tom and B'Elanna, a silhouette flickering in as the Doctor reroutes to the holodeck, taking his medkit from Tom as he takes his seat.}
Chakotay: "Ready Kathryn?"
Janeway: "No, but nothing to help that now. Though it seems our engineer has been preparing."
B'Elanna: "Well Captain, I may not have been able to pull together enough energy reserves to alter the episode, but I am not about to leave you hanging."
Janeway: "I'm sure you did all you could."
Doctor: "I have also stocked my medkit for every possibility. Please do not be afraid to ask for a sedative, Captain."
Janeway: "Noted Doctor, but unnecessary."
Paris: "Captain… I…"
Janeway: "Ensign, that is not me pining for a photon, just like it was not you who started the whole thing."
Chakotay: "Though, our orders about you and holo-technology stand."
{The screen flickers to life with Paris driving through Fair Haven.}
Chakotay: "Let's get ready to RUMBLE!"
{Paris crashes his car.}
Tuvok: "Spirit Folk" or in other words, "The Holograms are revolting."
Janeway: "Well said old friend."
Paris (as himself): "They warned me about taking driving lessons with Chakotay, but did I listen?"
{Paris gets hit up for booze money by the boozehound.}
Paris (as himself): "If you're going to mug me, at least have the decency to shove a weapon in my face."
{The boozehound sees Paris repair his tire with a command to the computer.}
Harry: "Isn't he supposed to wiggle his nose, or blink his eyes or something?"
{Scene change to Sullivan's where the boozehound is upending a drink.}
Tuvok (announcer voice): "Booze, it's what your body's thirsty for."
Harry (announcer voice): "Booze, it's what's for dinner."
Paris (announcer voice): "Booze, making you popular, while healing all wounds."
Doctor (announcer voice): "This message brought to you by the Booze Council. Remember, booze really satisfies."
Tuvok, Harry, Paris, and the Doctor (jingle singing): "B, double O, Z-E boooooze."
{The boozehound says he thought he would die from the shock of it.}
Tuvok (as the boozehound): "The soap, the water, it was terrible!"
{Sullivan tells him that he is not one for telling things the way they are.}
Seven: "So, Seamus was the one telling Sullivan that Kathryn was interested in him?"
{He admits he may embellish stories.}
Paris (as the boozehound): "Well, that woman I told you about… well it was a female…"
{Sullivan is disbelieving about Tom using unholy magick.}
B'Elanna (as Sullivan): "I mean he can barely get his lady to do as he asks. I can't see the devil taking the time to listen to him."
Harry (as Sullivan): "The only thing unholy about him is his breath."
{Sullivan says the next thing he will be telling him he wants to pay for his own drinks.}
Paris (as Seamus): "I'm crazy, not stupid."
{Shamus tells them to make fun if they like.}
Chakotay: "All right."
(All point at Seamus and laugh.)
{He talks about Tom heading to Castle O'Dell just an hour before sundown.}
Seven (as Seamus): "That Katie O'Clare has been cavorting around the castle with some blonde siren at all hours."
{The doc asks Seamus if he can go one day without making an ass of himself.}
Chakotay (as Seamus): "What time is it?"
Harry (as Seamus): "How long have you known me?"
Paris (as the doc): "Oh many a year now."
Harry (as Seamus): "Have I ever stopped making an ass of myself?"
Paris (as the doc): "No."
Harry (as Seamus): "So what would make me stop now?"
Doctor (as Seamus): "I'm not an idiot, I'm just programmed that way."
{Seamus's side-burned sidekick talks about Paris walking through town like he made it.}
Chakotay: "Yeah, but he does that here on Voyager too. It's nothing new."
{They ask where Paris goes.}
Paris: "Well, I've had plenty of suggestions."
{When talking of Katie, they talk of birds of a feather.}
Janeway (leering at Seven): "Yes I do like… my own kind."
{The talk of KilManen and how you won't find it on any map.}
Tuvok (as sidekick): "Because it's all drunken ranting."
{We see an old man with a huge white beard over Sullivan's shoulder.}
Doctor: "Hey look! It's the Ancient Mariner!"
{They talk about the strangers who came to KilManen.}
Chakotay (as Seamus): "Before you know it, they were damaging property values!"
{They talk about the cows stopping to give milk.}
Paris: "Could be worse, they could be giving kerosene."
Doctor: "They were probably milking the bulls."
{They said people were taken to the other world.}
Paris: "Walt Disney World?"
Harry: "Lucky ducks"
{They say the entire town vanished, every post, every nail.}
Seven: "Not even the Collective takes that much."
Janeway: "I guess that all that unholy magick can not conjure up a nail."
{The doc asks if having strangers in town means they are all going to vanish, while Seamus says they should keep an eye on Paris and his cohorts.}
Seven: "Great idea, I'll keep an eye on Katie."
{Sullivan asks if Katie is supposed to be some sort of goblin.}
Chakotay: "Ah…"
Tuvok: "Well…"
Paris: "Would explain a lot."
{Janeway appears in period attire.}
Chakotay: "Ah! She IS magick!"
Paris (kids voice): "Katie, you can do magick things."
{Sullivan walks over to Katie and guides her to the bar.}
{A bending, twisting sound as Seven's enhanced hand rends the armrest.}
Doctor (palling): "I didn't know you could mangle a hologram."
B'Elanna (awed): "Neither did I."
{Katie tells Sullivan to give her the usual.}
Paris (as Sullivan): "Ok, I'll leave the bottle."
{He says one cup of tea coming up}
All: "Earl Grey, HOT!"
{Sullivan asks her if she snatched any children on her way.}
Janeway (as herself): "No, but I fondled a drone."
Seven: "Kathryn, you know all my talk of resistance, and it being futile? For get it, resistance is NOT futile, in fact, it's beautiful."
{Sullivan asks Janeway what she has been doing with herself, and she replies not much.}
Janeway (as herself): "Now on the other hand, with SEVEN."
{Janeway tells Sullivan of a talking goat, and he suggests having it debate the pig.}
Paris: "An old goat debating, a pig, well it IS an election year."
{Sullivan holds up the rings.}
Janeway: "Ahh!"
Seven: "Kathryn?"
Janeway: "Sorry, sorry, just the notion of Sullivan giving me a ring."
(Janeway shudders.)
{A shot of Voyager in space leads into Harry, in period attire replicating flowers in the mess hall.}
Chakotay: "Well it's official, Seven of Nine ruins you for all other organic beings."
{Harry brings up Tom's crash, and Tom blames it on a clutch malfunction.}
Chakotay: "That's what I have been saying all along. B'Elanna I want you to check the clutch on the shuttle craft."
B'Elanna: "There is no clutch on a shuttle craft… sir."
Doctor: "So Mr. Paris are you having many problems with your "clutch"? Or is this another problem the Chief Engineer will have to take care of?"
(B'Elanna smirks.)
{B'Elanna says Fair Haven is an accident waiting to happen.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I mean look who wrote it."
Seven: "Finally we have a point we agree on … B'Elanna."
(B'Elanna and Seven smirk.)
Tuvok: "At least one good point came from this whole debacle."
{Tom asks Harry if he will need a chaperone for his walk.}
Harry (as himself): "That's far more then I ever wanted to know about you Tom."
{B'Elanna tells Tom to be sure not to blow out any more holo-emitters.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I am fed up with "just cuddling".
(With out a word Tom reaches over to the Doctor. Taking the medkit prepares himself a hypospray and administers himself a sedative.)
B'Elanna: "Well, it's probably for the best."
Seven: "Thankfully Kathryn has been spared so far."
Janeway: "Now Annika, you would never hear me say I would prefer Tom to suffer this episode rather then myself."
Seven: " "Say" being the operative word?"
Janeway (not taking her eyes from the screen): "Of course."
{The scene changes to night in Fair Haven, Tom skulking from shadow to shadow.}
Doctor (voice over): "We have now learned the phrase "Peeping Tom" was originated in a town called Fair Haven."
{The boozehound and his sidekick are following him.}
Tuvok: "While he may be in the command section I think I will have to retrain him if two intoxicated holograms are able to sneak up on him."
{The sidekick asks what they are doing out there spying on people.}
Harry (as Seamus): "We're going to make tapes and sell them over the internet."
{The sidekick asks what if they are right and Paris is a demon.}
Doctor: "Doubtful, even the crudest of demons have a fiendish intelligence, and Paris lacks even that."
{Maggie asks Harry if it is lonely out there.}
(All but Paris and Harry laugh.)
Harry (as himself): "No I LIKE to spend my time with a pack of photons and force fields driven by a bank of computer chips."
(The Doctor clears his throat.)
Harry: "I stand by my words."
{He says that at times he can feel he is the only man in the world.}
Harry (as himself): "I mean look at the rest of the crew."
Seven (as Harry): "I mean look at the way Seven is all over Janeway."
{She asks if he ever thought of settling down.}
Harry (as himself): "About the five seconds it takes me to remember you have energy requirements."
Doctor: "Redefining the concept of a high maintenance relationship."
{She asks if he would like to hold her hand.}
Harry (as himself): "SURE! Oh your… hand… ok."
B'Elanna: "Kehless knows he's done plenty with his own hand."
{Paris makes a disgusted sound at the saccharine between Harry and Maggie.}
Tuvok: "Finally a sensible sentiment."
{Paris pulls out the control padd.}
Janeway: "B'Elanna did you remove the holodecks vocal controls?"
B'Elanna: "Part of your orders to make things as difficult for Paris as possible to use the holodecks."
{Shamus and sidekick talk about going and talking to Father Mulligan, and how he will not listen.}
Tuvok: "The only thing "Father Mulligan" likes to hear is himself."
{He asks her if she is still promised and she tells him not any more.}
Tuvok (as Maggie): "Not since he vanished under mysterious circumstances."
B'Elanna (continuing as Maggie): "only a few days after you got to town."
Janeway: "I have to thank you Harry, for some odd reason you are sharing my misery."
Harry: "I guess the commander was right, Seven ruins one for all other organic beings. The THOUGHT of her being enough to do the trick."
{She asks him if he would like to kiss her, and he asks her if it is a trick question.}
Harry (as himself): "C!"
Chakotay: "Pass! Pass!"
Doctor (as Harry): "I'd like to use a lifeline."
{Tom turns Maggie into a cow.}
Janeway (quickly): "Anyone making jokes about women, cows, or bovine will get 30 days solitary confinement."
Paris: "Away from the experiments?"
Janeway: "Watching nothing but the experiments."
Tuvok: "I am sorry captain, but that violates nearly every Federation dictate for the treatment of prisoners."
Harry (as himself): "Well she's now a cow, but when in Rome…"
{Harry asks Tom if he has anything better to do.}
Janeway: (as Paris): "If I had anything better to do with my time I would have never written this boorish little berg."
Seven: "I have noticed I have not been featured yet."
Janeway (smiling at Seven): "Because you erasing Sullivan, while wonderful would cut the episode short, which would also be wonderful, so of course it is not going to happen."
{Harry says he could have been trampled.}
Harry (as himself): "I would have had to have been laying down and she would have had to have been on top of me… ok it COULD have happened."
Doctor: "Yes, I have a whole medical database detailing the treatment for rabid cow attacks."
{Just as they are about to change Maggie back they get called by Chakotay.}
(Everyone except the unconscious Paris looks at Harry.)
Harry: "What?"
B'Elanna: "Aren't you going to say something about saved by the cow bell?"
Harry: "Even I'm not willing to touch that one."
{At the Church the Doctor takes the pulpit.}
Chakotay: "Oh great, the first sermon ever with slides."
Harry: "Well at least the holograms are the ones having to listen to him instead of us."
{He talks of how the disagreement between the farmers goes on.}
Tuvok: "and if there is anyone who knows about going on, and on, and on."
Seven (singing): "and their fight will go on and onnnnnnnnnnn."
{The Doctor continues him sermon.}
(The Doctor watches raptly as the rest start to nod off, jerking awake at each slam of his hand or shout of his voice.)
{The cow is lead into the Church by Seamus and sidekick.}
Chakotay (as Seamus): "Bessie and I want to be married."
{They say Tom Paris and Harry Kim turned Maggie into the cow.}
Doctor (as himself) "Ah yes, Dumb and Dumber."
{He asks when the alleged transformation took place.}
Tuvok: "About the same time this alleged episode was aired."
{The Doctor says he saw her at her stand tending her flowers that morning.}
Doctor (as himself): "Well she was actually grazing on them, but she seemed to be doing it very carefully."
{Maggie appears standing at a lamppost.}
B'Elanna: "Since Tom is unconscious I want to make a comment about Maggie on the street corner, but I just don't have it in me."
{Maggie says she just woke up from the strangest dream.}
B'Elanna (as Maggie): "For some strange reason I found Harry Kim attractive."
Chakotay: "I don't know why I called Tom and Harry earlier, not a damn thing is happening in the rest of the ship."
Seven: "I apologize, but two old drunkards fawning over a beautiful young lady worry me."
Tuvok: "A valid concern."
{They ask her if she remembers anything form last night.}
B'Elanna (as Maggie): "I went home with the two of you?"
{They ask her what they did on the walk.}
Harry (as the sidekick): "What were you wearing?"
{She says she dreamt she was walking around town with nothing but a bell around her neck.}
Harry: "Sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"
{The sidekick asks if they can get a drink, Seamus says just a wee one.}
Doctor (announcer voice): "This intermission brought to you by booze, booze it's does a body good."
{Screen goes blank as Harry and Tuvok look at the unconscious Paris.}
Tuvok: "This is now the second time in three experiments Mr. Paris has been carried from the theater."
Harry: "and he's not getting any lighter."
(They shrug and turn to follow the rest of the crew.)
Harry (as he exits): "Sorry Tommy me boy, you snooze, you loose."
{Fade out from theater.}

{Fade in to the bridge where we see the crew lounging about with various mugs of beer in hand.}
Doctor (announcer voice): "These drinks are brought to you by the booze council, remember at work, rest or play, booze is right for any occasion."
Chakotay: "These drinks are brought to us via B'Elanna's microbrewery in engineering."
(B'Elanna pales.)
Janeway: "At ease B'Elanna, we are adults drinking responsibly, there is no harm in it."
B'Elanna (relaxing): "Yeah, Tom introduced Seven, Harry and myself to beer around experiment number two…"
Harry (under his breath): "Conveniently off screen."
Janeway: "Ensign?"
Harry: "Sorry mam, I know, no riffing riffs."
Janeway: "and NO riffing the author."
B'Elanna: "Anyway while we were looking for ways to help deal with the experiments Tom thought beer could be his contribution to the effort, but his stuff was the mass produced, watered down, p…"
(Janeway clears her throat.)
B'Elanna: "Any way the beer Tom wanted to offer was … insufficient."
(Seven and B'Elanna share a grin.)
B'Elanna: "So Seven did the research and I brought it to life, and while it would take roughly a year to make enough beer to take the edge off an experiment we brew enough for a nice mug now and again."
Harry (keying his console): "Well we will see if it is enough to help, we have episode sign!"
{Fading from the bridge as the crew drain their mugs and step into the turbolift.}

{Fading into the theater as the crew takes their normal seats.}
Harry: "Shouldn't we have taken care of our mugs?"
Chakotay: "Don't worry ensign, they will be taken care of."
Doctor: "Magic?"
Chakotay: "Ensigns."
(Harry bristles.)
Chakotay (laughing): "Ensigns OTHER then Harry."
Tuvok: "You will be busy watching the experiment."
Harry (standing up): "No, no the bridge needs to be kept clean…"
Janeway: "Park it ensign."
(Harry sits down in a sulk.)
{The screen coming to life with the sidekick talking about Harry changing the weather to what he asked for.}
Harry (as the sidekick): "How dare that BASTARD do what I wanted?"
{A village woman talks about how Janeway saved her little girl whom had fallen in the well.}
Janeway: "I saved her little girl, no wonder she wants to burn me at the stake."
{Another woman talks about seeing the Doctor vanish into thin air.}
Chakotay (as the woman): "Oh no, wait, that was just a beautiful dream."
{Sidekick talks about Father Mulligan, Katie, Tommy boy and the rest.}
B'Elanna: "Again with the "and the rest" stuff!"
{They talk about how Neelix and how he looks like a leprechaun.}
B'Elanna: "Ok, don't get me wrong, I love Neelix."
Harry: "Of course."
B'Elanna: "Love the man to death, but if they are seeing us making changes to the holodeck, they THINK Neelix MIGHT not be human?"
{Sullivan says that is enough.}
Janeway: "If only that were so."
{Sullivan asks if they want to run Katie and her friends out of town, or put them in front of a firing squad.}
Doctor: "Do you think they would take the writers in our place?"
{They ask Sullivan if they should just sit there and do nothing.}
Chakotay: "Why not? Doing nothing is a standard in this series."
{Sullivan says that they should not just sit there and do nothing.}
Tuvok (as Sullivan): "The crew has that down pat."
{Sullivan says they should handle it like civilized people.}
(Everyone, but the unconscious Paris, laugh.)
{The scene changes to a night scene of Janeway entering Sullivan's.}
Janeway: "Probably because I am afraid of anyone seeing me go in there."
{We see Sullivan in front of a burning fireplace.}
Janeway: "Dare I dream his alcohol soaked clothes will catch on fire?"
{He stands up and tells her she looks lovelier then ever.}
Seven: "Unfortunately not."
{He gives her a book.}
Janeway (as herself, sounding depressed): "Where's Waldo?" What fun."
{Sullivan says there is a lot of things he does not know about her.}
Tuvok (as Sullivan): "Like who is this "Annika" you keep mumbling about in your sleep?"
Chakotay (as Sullivan): "and why do you keep asking me to dye my hair blonde?"
Seven (as Sullivan): "and what do you and Timothy Ryan's sister doing locked away hour after hour?"
{He says there has been talk about her and her friends.}
Tuvok (as Sullivan): "It looks like there will be a third episode in this story line."
(Janeway whimpers as Seven takes the captain's hand and cradles it in her human hand.)
{Sullivan says he doesn't care if they told him she was the devil himself.}
(The sound of the rest of the crew save, Janeway and Paris, slamming their mouths shut.)
{He says he doesn't know who she is.}
Harry (as Janeway): "My name is Inyego Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
Doctor (singing as Janeway): "I'm Don Quixote, the lord of La Mancha."
B'Elanna (as Janeway): "They call me Mr. Tibbs."
{He says he talked to friends in County Claire and could find no sign of her.}
Seven (as Janeway): "Did you look under Mrs. of Nine?"
 {He asks her where she goes when she leaves there.}
All (but Paris): "Cargo Bay 2."
{He says that when he wants to talk to her about his day, tell her hello, etc he can't.}
Seven (as Sullivan): "Because this blonde amazon in a skin tight suit beats me bloody."
{She says she has misled him about some things.}
Janeway (as herself): "Like my young lady friend…"
{She says but she meant it when she said she cared about him.}
Janeway (as herself): "Like I care about my replicator, annoying to replace so I put up with it."
{Janeway says she didn't want to mislead him, but she had to under the circumstances and he asks her what circumstances.}
Janeway (as herself): "My darling drone turning your holo-matrix into a pet for our CMO."
{She says there are things he would not understand and he tells her to try.}
Chakotay (as Sullivan): "I rather like imagining you and the blonde lass rolling around together."
{She looks at Sullivan and ends the program.}
(Janeway looks at Seven, at which Seven smirks and arches her brow.)
B'Elanna (smirking at the Captain as well.): "Had to go and give her free will didn't ya?"
{Janeway in her period attire walks with Tom who is in uniform down a hallway and talks about Sullivan's questions.}
Janeway (as herself): "I'm having enough trouble answering Seven's questions."
{He says he added some bells and whistles.}
B'Elanna: "and apparently gave them souls."
Harry (as Peter Graves): "He should know better then to tamper in God's domain."
{In engineering Tom says so much for his open door policy.}
B'Elanna: "His open door policy ended as soon as he began a relationship with me."
{Janeway tells them to shut the program down.}
Janeway (as herself): "Again… because when I shut it down it spontaneously restarted."
{Changing scenes into the holographic lab with Tom and Harry. Harry telling Tom everything was fine until people started getting turned into cows.}
B'Elanna (as Paris): "I thought you would appreciate it. All the bad luck you have been having with humanoid women."
{They bring up the Sullivan character and he asks where he is.}
Harry (as himself): "It's a zoo, and you are in a cage ya big ape."
{He says that if someone doesn't tell him where he is he will start busting heads.}
Harry (as himself): "Ours or your own?"
{They mention a perceptual filter, and he asks what that is.}
Chakotay (as Sullivan): "It that anything like 7-8 shots of yagermeister?"
{They "fix" him and say that it was easy.}
All (except Paris): "Too easy."
{After they return Sullivan to his bar he runs outside and grabs a boy.}
Doctor (as Sullivan): "Here, go buy me the biggest turkey there is! … Wait, wrong story."
Seven: "Besides, this episode is the biggest turkey there is."
{On the bridge Harry and Tom tell the captain they realized Sullivan was just playing along.}
Janeway (as herself): "Well he's faking, I'm faking, just shut the damn thing down."
{Janeway tells them to hope he didn't share the experience with too many others.}
B'Elanna: "Of course say SHUTTING DOWN THE PROGRAM wouldn't do any good now would it?"
Tuvok: "I can't help but notice it is the same three who seem the only ones really all that concerned."
Janeway: "Well apparently the writers have allowed the burdens of command to strip away the basic sanity the crew still retains."
Harry: "What about me?"
Janeway: "Um"
B'Elanna: "Well"
Harry: "… the writers don't think too much of me do they?"
Tuvok: "It is possible ensign that they finally got a copy of The Dictates of Poetics and they are trying to follow your established character, but have yet to reach the chapter about how characters are allowed to develop and grow."
B'Elanna: "Paris is just an idiot who doesn't know when to give up."
Harry: "Thank God huh?"
B'Elanna (smiling reluctantly): "Yeah"
{Harry enters some commands into his tricorder and says that should do it.}
Harry (as himself): "Yeah the lab didn't have what I needed to fix it, but my tricorder does."
{Janeway turns, walking toward Chakotay asking what was she thinking.}
Seven (as Janeway): "Trying to resist Seven of Nine, she told me right up front it was futile."
Chakotay (as himself): "I don't know, I mean I tried to ask her out to dinner and she told me I didn't have high enough clearance."
{Chakotay tells her it's a minor malfunction.}
Chakotay (as himself): "It happens to every man!"
{She tells him that she has a boyfriend who malfunctions.}
Doctor (as Chakotay): "They have a pill for that now."
{Chakotay tells her Tom and Harry will fix him.}
Janeway (as herself): "I never thought I would be going to Harry and Tom with my man troubles."
Chakotay (as himself): "They had said something about Sullivan not looking at another woman again after they are done with him."
Seven (as Chakotay): "Seven offered to fix him, but then she accessed the files on spaying and neutering and we took her off that assignment."
{Chakotay gives her the advice about telling the truth.}
Janeway (as herself): "I'm here and I'm queer?"
Seven (as Janeway): "Ex-Drones make better lovers?"
{In the Fair Haven church Sullivan talks about seeing things he can not explain.}
Janeway (as Sullivan): "I work in a bar, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with it."
{Sullivan talks about being spirited away and Tom and Harry being there. The doc asks him what happened.}
Doctor (as Sullivan): "Well, first they told me I had a pretty mouth…"
{Sullivan talks about fooling them so they would let him go.}
B'Elanna: "Jeez, beat up by little kids, tricked by a 3D cartoon, what is this a Nickelodeon movie?"
{Tom and Harry sneak into Sullivan's and open a panel to reveal a Federation control pad.}
B'Elanna (whispering to Seven): "Wow, and I thought our microbrewery was advanced."
{A townswoman is seen watching them through the window.}
Doctor (as townswoman): "Damn! Voyager is on."
{Now in the Church several rifles are seen lying next to a saint's statue.}
Chakotay: "Well they do say "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."
{Seamus mentions the book given to him by someone who had passed away.}
Tuvok (as Seamus): "Gave to me, looted from her house while her family was at the wake, point is we have it now."
{He says she knew a thing or two about faerie magick.}
Janeway (as Seamus): "She used to live up San Francisco way."
Seven (as Seamus): "Poor thing, never had a husband, but the village women always spent plenty of time with her."
{Sullivan doubts that it says anything about rifles.}
Tuvok (as Seamus): "Yes it does right here in Chapter 3 "If you don't understand it, shoot to kill." Just ignore the spelling… and that it's written freshly… in crayon."
Tuvok: "As a security officer I have to say under the circumstances their actions could be considered logical, but letting the town drunkards head the team seems doomed to failure."
Janeway: "All I can guess is that "Fair Haven" was such a failure they decided to make it a continuing theme."
{Sullivan objects to the guns and the doc says he would normally agree with him.}
Doctor (as the doc): "but I've been dipping into Seamus's flask and now I am rarin to go."
{Sullivan notes how they don't know much of anything.}
Janeway (shaking her head): "I'm not even going to bother."
{Seamus holds up the book saying that they have incantations.}
Seven (as Seamus): "Now if we only knew how to read."
{Seamus says they have red twine to keep them from changing shape.}
Harry: "Ah! They have string! Emergency beam out!"
{Seamus says they have been among them for months, lying, making mischief, and wondered what was next.}
Chakotay (as Seamus): "Next thing you know they'll be trying to drink from our water fountains."
{The mob storms from the Church to Sullivan's and grab Tom and Harry.}
Seven: "Kathryn? These are humans … or at least simulations of them."
Janeway: "Yes?"
Seven: "and this is what I am aspiring to?"
(Janeway just smiles and pats Seven on the cheek, leaning in and giving her a light kiss.)
{Paris manages to freeze 62% of the program and then runs with the mob close behind.}
Chakotay (as Seamus): "Forget our fellows! We want BLOOD!"
Harry: "Jeez, you think we would be getting good at this by now."
(Everyone just looks at Harry and the unconscious Tom Paris.)
{In the conference room, they say the controls are shut down so they can not end the program or reengage the safeties.}
B'Elanna (sighing as herself): "and we can not yank the power sources or processors."
B'Elanna (getting more aggravated, as herself): "Apparently, since holograms aren't bound by the laws of physics, the mechanics of them aren't either!"
Doctor: "Lieutenant?"
B'Elanna (on her feet, snarling at the screen, as herself): "Don't mind me! I'm just windrow dressing when it comes to holograms! Sure, I'm the chief of engineering, responsible for maintaining a vessel the size of a city, but NO HOLOGRAMS! I could NEVER handle a few stray photons and some errant coding!"
(The Doctor calmly stands up preparing a hypospray as he rises, pressing it into B'Elanna's neck. As the Klingon/Human hybrid collapses, he lowers her to her seat, Paris and B'Elanna seeming to rest against each other even when unconscious.)
{Neelix says they can't blame the holograms for being scared, that they must think the crew sorcerers.}
Harry: "Well, Tom is a pinball wizard."
{Chakotay says they cannot use the transporters because of stray photons.}
Harry: "Bullsh…"
Janeway and Chakotay: "Ensign!"
{Seven suggests taking in a security team.}
Chakotay: "Methinks Seven just wants to get Sullivan on the business end of a phaser."
Tuvok: "Seven of Nine, Michael Sullivan is not a threat."
Seven: "Irrelevant."
Tuvok: "Seven of Nine, Michael Sullivan is not armed."
Seven: "Irrelevant."
Tuvok: "Seven of Nine, Michael Sullivan is on our side."
Seven: "Irrelevant."
{B'Elanna suggests cutting the power.}
(Everyone remaining pauses, and then looks at the unconscious B'Elanna.)
Harry: "I think she's glad she's no longer watching, but I think she will be mad she missed that."
{Seven says they are not people, they are holograms.}
(The Doctor clears his throat.)
Seven: "I stand by my words."
{Janeway demands a solution that will not destroy Fair Haven. To which B'Elanna says Sullivan can be reprogrammed, but Harry and Tom cannot.}
Harry (as B'Elanna): "I know, I tried."
{Janeway says that while the people may not be real, but the feelings towards them are.}
Janeway (as herself): "Besides it IS just Tom and Harry."
{Janeway tells the Doctor his flock needs tending.}
Doctor (as himself): "Flock you, captain."
Doctor (as himself): "Couldn't I just modify last week's virus to kill holograms instead of cyborgs?"
{Back in the Church Tom and Harry are tied up while townspeople throw berries at them and Seamus chants.}
Harry (muttering): "Berries, rotten fruit, stones, damn lynch mobs."
(Everyone left looks at Harry.)
{The sidekick suggests tying them up and taking care of them like they did in the olden days.}
All (remaining): "Burn em, burn em!"
Harry (English Accent): "Build a bridge out of em!"
Tuvok: "I thought these were the "olden days"?"
{Sullivan asks if they are going to start turning on each other.}
Doctor (as sidekick): "Of course we are! It's the natural progression of the mob mentality."
{The Doctor enters the Church shouting out, calling them sinners.}
Doctor (as himself): "Oh wait, I'm sorry, I thought this was a Voyager writing session."
{He talks about them daring to turn a house of worship into a prison.}
Doctor (as himself): "This is a place of business!"
{Sidekick arches his brows.}
Chakotay (as sidekick): "and they call us drunkards."
{He decries their condemnation.}
Doctor (as himself): "I'm the priest. That's MY job."
{They remove the Doctor's mobile emitter and he gets integrated into the holodeck.}
Harry: "Since B'Elanna is not with us right now I will "sigh" for her."
{Sidekick tells them they will not tell them the truth then Seamus says they will eventually.}
Tuvok (as Seamus): "They will tell the truth when I decide it is the truth."
{Seamus says they will induce a trance.}
Chakotay (as Seamus): "Get the Voyager tape."
{Seamus tells him to keep his eyes on the silverware.}
Tuvok (as Seamus): "I stole it when I was at your house for dinner."
{The Doctor says it is ridiculous.}
Doctor (as himself): "I mean not one, not two, but THREE episodes from this ridiculous premise."
(As the eyes of the Doctor on screen follow the spoon, the eyes of the Doctor in the theater follow it as well.)
Harry (noticing, waving his hand in front of the Doctor's face): "Uh oh."
Janeway: "Damn! That's three."
Chakotay: "and then they were five."
{In his trance the Doctor tells them about Voyager.}
Harry (as himself): "Ixnay on the ipshay aldybay."
Janeway (as the entranced Doctor): "A fearless ship trapped in a hopeless series."
{Seamus says that if you learn their true name you render yourself immune to them and the sidekick demands to know the Doctor's.}
Harry (as the Sidekick): "Ruff, ruff, ruff, bark, bark."
Janeway: "That's funny, learning Seven's true name just made me that much more susceptible to her charms."
{Sullivan asks Tom where to find Katie, and Tom tells him he cannot say.}
Tuvok (as Paris): "I'm doing you a favor. Seven will leave parts of you spread over half a dozen decks."
{Tuvok notes the mobile emitter has been activated and Janeway tells him to lock on to the signal.}
Janeway (as herself): "Because beaming a small metal disc is so much easier then over a hundred pounds of person… oh and don't bother to contact the Doctor or check to see if his program is still in the deck."
{Sullivan is beamed to the bridge.}
Seven (as Sullivan): "Katie, your hair…it's so much shorter, and cuter, and smells so sweet…"
Janeway: "Annika?"
Seven: "I'm sorry captain, I have been using you as a distraction to help me cope with the episode."
Tuvok: "I just hope he doesn't relieve himself in the corner and start flinging it at us."
{Sullivan talks about his cousin who went to America.}
Harry (standing up, doing a little James Brown footwork while singing): "I, I live in America."
{Janeway says he is on a starship.}
Seven: "A Jefferson Starship?"
{She tells him the ship is called Voyager, and he tells her he knows.}
Chakotay (as Sullivan): "I read TV Guide."
{Tuvok asks if he should transfer him back to the holo-deck and Janeway says no.}
Janeway (as herself): "I have to form a human shield between him and Seven."
{Janeway says that it would be too difficult to tell Sullivan, so maybe she should show him.}
Janeway (as herself): "Watch closely."
(Janeway turns and pounces on one startled former drone quickly pinning Seven to her seat as she wraps her smaller body around Seven's longer frame, spending the next several moments lavishing loving attention on her darling drone.)
Tuvok (as Janeway reclaims her seat): "I believe most men would find that sufficient explanation."
Chakotay: "but the smart ones would ask for "clarification."
{Sullivan says that she saw his world so it's only fair he see hers.}
Seven (sounding sickened): "So he showed her his now she is going to have to show him hers?"
{Chakotay stands up to question her.}
Chakotay (as himself): "I'm sorry, but this has gone silly and I am calling a stop to this episode right now."
{Janeway asks Sullivan if he has ever read "The Time Machine".}
Tuvok: "I doubt Mr. Sullivan has progressed far beyond dirty lymrics."
{Sullivan asks if they traveled back through time.}
Harry (singing): "It's just a jump to the left…"
{Janeway tells him he will find a lot of familiar faces.}
Janeway (as herself): "But if you see a face with chrome implants turn and run away."
{Sullivan tells her that there must be more exciting places to explore.}
Janeway (as herself): "Well there, is cargo bay 2."
{He asks how long they are planning on staying, and she says it is tough to say.}
Janeway (as herself): "I never planned on going there in the first place."
{Sullivan says that she is a starship captain and he is just a bartender.}
Seven: "Finally he… IT is showing some sense."
{Janeway says that just because they are from different worlds does not mean they can not care for each other.}
Janeway: "Finally SHE is making some sense."
{Going into the church Janeway tell them they are sorry for all that has happened.}
Janeway (as herself): "I just hope that the fans that have stood by Voyager so long are able to see past this episode and continue to watch the show."
{Janeway talks about how there technology might seem like magick.}
Seven (as Janeway): "Like the wonder wand…"
(Grinning Janeway places a finger over Sevens mouth.)
{Sullivan talks about seeing things that are beyond their comprehension.}
Seven (as Sullivan): "I mean the things that blonde gal did to her… I could never hope to compete with that."
{Sullivan says they have Tom's word, and if they can not trust that in Fair Haven what can they trust.}
Tuvok: "Hard Steel?"
Chakotay: "Flying Lead?"
Harry: "Cold Cash?"
{Janeway offers to leave and never come back there again.}
All (remaining): "Hooray! Lets do that!"
{Sullivan says he still wants to play rings with Harry and Tom and still go on walks with Katie.}
Janeway (as herself): "How about you go on walks with Harry and Tom and play rings with me?"
{The scene now in engineering Tom says they can not run the program 24 hours until they make repairs, and B'Elanna says that can't ever.}
Harry (as B'Elanna): "I will NOT allow this nightmare to continue."
{Janeway says they need to close Tom's open door policy.}
Janeway (as herself): "So zip it Mr. Paris."
{Janeway asks what they would say to one more round at Sullivans.}
All (remaining): "NO! No more! PLEASE!"
{Back in Fair Haven the sidekick talks to Tom being from the moon.}
Harry (as sidekick): "Bang, Zoom to the Moon Paris!"
{Maggie tells Harry it's not that often you meet a handsome young man from outer space.}
Chakotay (as Maggie): "It actually makes you seem interesting."
Harry (as Maggie): "Though those grays really knew how to use their probes."
{As Janeway and Sullivan walk she gives him a present and he asks her what it is.}
Janeway (as herself): "A clock. That's why it's ticking… I'll just be standing over here."
{It turns out to be a book and he reads the title.}
Tuvok (as Sullivan): "The Idiots Guide To Hygiene."?"
{Sullivan talks about knowing the true name and asks if it's true.}
Janeway (as herself making the sound of a phaser): "Let's test that."
{The screen fades out on the sign above Sullivan's.}
Janeway: "Tuvok you carry Paris, Chakotay you grab B'Elanna, Harry transfer the Doctor while you pass the control panel."
Seven: "and I will carry you."
(Before Janeway can say a word Seven picks the captain up in her arms.)
{The theater changing into the familiar grid as the crew carries their crewmates from the holodeck while the scene fades.}

{Fading back in, but not on the bridge but in sickbay. Tom and B'Elanna laid out on bio-beds while Seven still cradles Janeway in her arms. The Doctor is standing near by but still stares into space.}
Janeway: "Report, and Seven you can put me down."
Seven: "Do I have to?"
Janeway (reluctantly): "Yes"
(Seven slowly puts the captain down, but keeps a hand on the small of her back, to which Janeway smiles.)
Harry: "Well all of our medical staff…"
Chakotay (interrupting): "Both of them."
Harry (continuing): "all of our medical staff is out of commission. While we could attempt to treat them ourselves I KNOW how to fix the Doctor so I would rather get his program fixed, and then if the sedatives have not worn off by then let him treat them."
Janeway: "Agreed, do you think you can handle it right now Harry? It was a rough experiment."
Harry: "No mam, I'll be fine."
Janeway (stepping from Seven and putting a hand on Harry's shoulder, her voice softening): "You did a great job in there Harry. You never let up, I will be putting a commendation in your record."
Harry (brightening): "Thank you mam."
(Harry bends over the sickbay workstation as Janeway and Chakotay draws close to conference. Seven hovering nearby, over Janeways shoulder.)
Chakotay (grinning): "A commendation?"
Janeway (grinning back): "Don't laugh, I'm putting one in yours as well."
Chakotay (looking surprised): "Thank you captain."
Janeway: "No need to thank me, that thing cut our numbers almost in half. As it was only the ships commanders, security chief and resident miracle worker made it."
Chakotay: "and a "mere" ensign."
Janeway: "Exactly, now lets get our people on their feet and on off duty."
Chakotay: "Yes mam, I'll join Tuvok on the bridge."
Janeway: "I'll be in my ready room."
Seven: "Then I will be as well."
(With out another word Seven links her arm with Janeways and they exit sickbay.)
Chakotay (turning to follow them out): "While you're at the station can you push the button?"
Harry (distracted, and not looking up): "Of course."
{Fade to black.}