Mystery Series Theater 3000


Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This was written by a J/7er, heavy on the 7. If f/f themes offend you, you have my sympathy and my recommendation that you find something else to read.

Dedication: First, this is dedicated to Gina L. Dartt. While this has no connection to her "Just Between" stories, I was heavily influenced by her works and you will find tributes to her at various spots. It is also dedicated to all my new friends I have made at Sandrines. I hope everyone enjoys.

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(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
But the Queen decided she wanted Seven back
So she tracked down the USS Voyager and went on the attack
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Captain Janeway: "Janeway to Astrometrics."
Seven: "Captain Janeway to Astrometrics."
..and the rest
B'Elanna: "What's this "and the rest" nonsense???"
On Mystery Series Theatre 3000

{Fade in on the Captains Quarters. Only Seven and Janeway are present. Janeway sitting at her workstation, Seven pacing.}
Janeway: "So you… and the Queen."
Seven (sounding upset and angry): "If you could call it "me". I was young, never been out of the cube, and she was "The Queen"."
(At this point Janeway stands up and pulls her young love into an embrace.)
Janeway: "Shhh it's ok, it's not like you were my first either."
Seven: "You had others before me?"
(Janeways expression is a light version of her typical shocked look, but then she sees the grin teasing the edges of Sevens soft, full lips. She laughs softly and keeping one arm around her love pulls her to sit together on the edge of the bed.)
Seven: "This is my fault, the Queen puts us through the episodes because of me."
(Janeway places her hands on Sevens shoulders and turns her to look into the captain's eyes. Seven being caught and held, cradled by those blue/gray orbs falls silent, her breathing calming.)
Janeway: "I had no idea the treasure I stole from the Queen, or just how precious it would be to me, and while you've made me feel many things."
(Janeway and Seven share a smile.)
Janeway: "Regret was NEVER one of them, do you hear me darling? NEVER have I regretted one moment of my life with you."
Seven: "Not even when … ?"
Janeway: "never"
(Seven smiles and rests her head to Janeways chest. Janeway just strokes Sevens hair bun and cheek.)
Seven: "What about the rest of the bridge crew."
Janeway: "Well as long as you don't call them "the rest" around B'Elanna."
(The two laugh slightly at that.)
Janeway: "Seven, we are a crew, a team, and more then that we are a family."
Seven: "but I bought this down on them."
Janeway: "Tom went undercover to find a spy reporting to Chakotays ex. I was infected with a mental parasite when I joined Tuvok in a mind meld to deal with a suppressed memory…"
(Seven looks up to Janeway, eyes wide, and wondering. Janeway cups the young woman's face and uses the pads of her thumbs to rub under Sevens eyes.)
Janeway (smiling slightly): "No drone is a collective."
Seven (smiling): "Thank you Kathryn, I could not let today's experiment start with out you knowing the whole truth."
{Fade out}

Door Sequence
      The bridge turbolift doors open.
      The bridge crew piles into the now empty car as Janeway barks "Holodeck 2".
      Several moments of the car in motion as the crew shifts about nervously.
      The car stops, and the doors open as the crew piles out the doors open as they approach, seeming ready
      for them.

{Fade in on the theater, Seven is already sitting in her seat to the far left, Janeway on her right, the couple already cuddling in the darkened theatre. The rest of the crew begins to pile in left to right Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim, Paris, and B'Elanna, in a flicker the Doctor is rerouted to the seat next to B'Elanna.}
B'Elanna (taking a deep breath): "Yep that is cleared air in here."
Janeway: "I understand I have you to thank lieutenant."
B'Elanna (grinning): "My pleasure captain, you've been keeping Seven out of engineering."
(Seven arches an eyebrow, as B'Elanna chuckles.)
Doctor: "Virtuoso, what did I do to get two episodes about me in a row?"
Paris: "What makes you so sure it's about you?"
Doctor: "Who else has the musical ability to warrant that title?"
(Seven clears her throat.)
Doctor: "Ahh yes your musical number. Emotional, raw…"
Janeway (voice getting husky): "Passionate… animalistic."
Doctor: "Well… yes… but I am the one better known for my music ability, having given Seven her initial interest."
Harry: "Well you had said it yourself, you were not in Day of Honor."
Paris (cheerily): "So you are getting to catch up."
Tuvok: "That, or the correlation between holograms and bad episodes is gaining credence."
{The scene opens on the Doctor treating the aliens in sickbay.}
Paris: "Oh great, the Lollipop Guild has gone high tech."
{The munchkins say the Doctor is an annoying program.}
Paris: "Perceptive these half-pints."
{The munchkins suggest shutting off his speech subroutines.}
Harry: "No, that doesn't work."
(The Doctor flashes a look at Harry. Ensign Kim keeping his eyes glued on the screen.)
{Janeway admonishes the Doctor.}
Janeway (as herself): "You are the LAST person to talk about lack of manners."
{The munchkin talks about how interference from there antiquated scanning devices shut down the engines.}
Chakotay (as male munchkin): "Of course our engines are highly vulnerable, but still VERY advanced."
{They explain they live in a closed system.}
Seven (as female munchkin): "In other words we are inbred from giants."
{Janeway asks them to put up with their inefficiencies a little longer.}
Janeway (as herself): "We are trying to hire new writers this very moment."
{The munchkins ask him what he's doing.}
Doctor (as himself): "Preparing a fast acting, impossible to trace poison, why?"
{They ask him to "Do it again, do it again".}
All: "Harder, harder."
{The munchkins try to figure the mathematical origins of music.}
Chakotay: "It's a society of computer programmers."
{The Doctor says they primarily use music for enjoyment.}
Paris: "Except the Doctor's singing that is."
{The munchkin leader welcomes them as they enter the system.}
All (singing): "… to munchkin land."
{The Doctor singing in the mess hall during the recital.}
(All but the Doctor start doing the head bobs and light snores.)
Harry: "He's draining the life out of it, and they LIKE it."
Chakotay: "They won't like it, they hate everything."
Paris: "They like it, hey Harry!"
{The Doctor tells Harry and the band to pick up the tempo.}
Doctor (as himself): "This episode is dying."
{Paris mentions rock and roll, and the munchkin asks if the Doctor sings it.}
Paris (as himself): "I sure hope not."
{The Doctor rambles on about his performance.}
Doctor: "I'm not really that bad am I?"
{Others whistle, shift in their seats, looking every where but the Doctor.}
{The munchkin king comes up to the Doctor.}
Janeway (as munchkin king): "Could you talk to the crew about how they are using my people as armrests?"
{The Doctor calls Janeway his representative.}
Janeway (as herself): "Ok, but I now own 10% of your holographic hide."
{In engineering the Doctor says B'Elanna's music appreciation is limited to a smattering of Klingon drinking songs.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I know MANY cultures drinking songs."
{The Doctor talks about his holo-costume changes.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Can this wait? I have to prepare 3 more databases for your expanding ego."
Paris: "My God! He's turning into Cher!"
{In the concert hall the Doctor changes into his clown costume.}
(A maddened jumble of laughter and comments.)
Janeway: "Wait, wait, one at a time."
Seven: "Did he pick his costume or was vote taken amongst the crew?"
Janeway: "That's actually the original EMH design, but it conflicted with Starfleet protocols so they changed the uniform while keeping the personality."
Chakotay: "My people have a saying. "Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck."
Tuvok: "I believe the costume to be well chosen. It is well suited to the Doctor's personality."
Harry: "I guess the Doctor was able to change my modifications, but that configuration was still lodged in the emitter."
Paris: "It only seems fair to keep him from changing back, so people know what they are getting."
B'Elanna (as herself): "He should have been nicer when he asked about modifying his emitter."
Doctor (as himself): "Wait, this isn't a tuxedo?"
(Everyone looks at the Doctor.)
Doctor: "I thought I would learn from Ensign Kim."
{The Doctor talks about his nerves about introducing them to music.}
Paris: "but no pressure."
{She tells him about how it will be broadcast to hundreds of millions of people.}
Harry: "but again, no pressure."
{The Doctor steps out towards the lights.}
(Everyone but the Doctor puts on sunglasses.)
Janeway: "Ok the hat was sufficient to block that glare."
{Everyone takes off the sunglasses.}
{On the bridge they get the red alert and discover it is from astrometrics.}
B'Elanna: "So that's Sevens way of saying she needs Janeway NOW."
{The fan talk in astrometrics. Where Seven describes the fan mail.}
Seven (as herself): "Links to nude pictures of the Doctor."
(All, but the Doctor shudder.)
{Janeway explains fans to Seven.}
Paris: "Isn't this like spitting in the wind?"
Harry: "Shouldn't the writer be shaking the theater or something?"
Seven: "He considers himself an "admirer"."
Chakotay: "An… admirer?"
Seven: "He may admire my … build, but he feels no need to know the cup size."
Chakotay: "Ahh"
{Tuvok calls Janeway to deck 2.}
{The screen shuts off, as the break starts, the theater staying active as the doors open freeing the crew from the theater.}
Janeway (as herself as she exits): "Sorry Mr. Tuvok but I am getting while the gettings good."
Tuvok (exiting): "I almost made my way out of this episode."
Doctor (routing himself to the bridge): "It could end up a mixed blessing."
{Fade out}

{Fade in on the bridge. Seven is sitting in the captain's chair as the captain sits in Seven's lap getting a back massage.}
B'Elanna (moving to sit in Tom's lap at his helmsman chair.): "That's a great idea, Paris get your hands over here."
{B'Elanna and the captain are both hanging loosely under the massaging hands of their significant others.)
Harry: "So doc, how are you holding up?"
Doctor: "So far the rest of the crew has been treating me worse then the episode. So I have to think… I am in deep, deep trouble."
Chakotay: "Impending sense of doom, tension like a snake in your belly? … or the holographic equivalent?"
(The Doctor hangs his head mournfully, nodding all the while.)
Janeway (waking up from a half drowse): "Oh Seven, I had the worse nightmare, the Borg Queen was making us watch mockeries of ourselves and our travels."
Seven (leaning in and kissing Kathryn's temple): "It's… not a dream."
Harry: "Especially since, we have episode sign!"

Door Sequence
      The bridge turbolift doors open.
      The bridge crew piles into the now empty car as Janeway barks "Holodeck 2".
      Several moments of the car in motion as the crew shifts about nervously.
      The car stops, and the doors open as the crew piles out the doors open as they approach, seeming ready
      for them.

{The crew steps into the holodeck taking their familiar theater seats left to right Seven, Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim, Paris, and B'Elanna, in a flicker the Doctor is rerouted to the seat next to B'Elanna.}
{They see the munchkins with the Doctors hairstyle.}
Paris: "Ok, that's just WRONG."
{The Doctor in the mess hall with his miniature duplicate.}
All (but the Doctor): "Ahh!"
Paris: "There's two of them."
Chakotay (shuddering): "He's in stereo."
{Neelix managing the crowd in the mess hall.}
Tuvok: "The skills he developed as a roadie for Motley Crew will be put to good use."
{The Doctor and Janeway talk where she sends him to sickbay.}
Paris (as the Doctor): "This is about first contact, it has nothing to due with my ego."
{The Doctor meets with the groupies in sickbay, and he runs away.}
Tuvok: "Doctor, I think you learned a bit too much from Mr. Kim."
{She tries to lure the Doctor away from Voyager.}
Paris: "Eleven minutes of fame and counting."
Doctor (as munchkin): "Come on, abandon all your ethics, you know you want to."
{The Doctor resigns his commission to Janeway in her ready room.}
Doctor: "Yes all my ingrained, hardwired dedication for MY crew isn't as important as getting my ego stroked by a bunch of half pint egomaniacs!"
Paris: "Doc?"
Doctor (standing up, shouting at the screen): "I am an Emergency Medical Hologram, my greatest devotion is to the health and well being of my crew. NOT abandoning them to go pursue my HOBBY!"
(Sits back down arms crossed over his chest.)
{The Doctor says he takes his duty very seriously.}
Doctor (as himself): "Until now."
{The Doctor talks about how everyone but him chose to be on Voyager.}
Doctor (as himself): "Well except for the Maquis."
{Except him.}
Doctor (as himself): "I was written, created for this ship, but hey."
{In the sickbay the Doctor talks to Paris about the captain and how she avoids taking care of herself.}
Seven: "Yes, she does."
Janeway: "Now, now darling."
{The Doctor says he thought Paris would be the happiest to see him go.}
Paris (as himself): "Me too, I must be sick."
(Paris mimes scanning himself with a tricorder.)
{The Doctor goes to Cargo Bay 2 to say goodbye to Seven. The Doctor talks about how he no longer feels challenged, that his skills are not appreciated.}
Doctor (as himself): "They are not applauding me doing… WHAT I WAS DESIGNED FOR!"
Janeway: "Doctor, Doctor."
Paris: "Is that anything like "Mister, Mister"?"
Janeway: "Mr. Paris, your latitude does not apply to riffing on your superior officers."
Paris: "Mam?"
Janeway: "No riffing riffs."
Paris: "Aye mam"
Doctor: "My apologies captain."
Janeway: "Understood Doctor, and forgiven, just wanted to bring you back down to Earth."
Doctor (grinning): "So 30-40 years from now?"
Janeway (grinning as well): "That's the spirit."
{The Doctor says how it makes him feel loved.}
Doctor (singing): "I wanna be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you…"
Chakotay: "I don't want to make it an order, but I will if necessary NO singing Shirley Temple."
{He beams down to the planet and sees his replacement.}
Paris: "Ahh, there's two of them! Full sized versions!"
{The Doctor's interact.}
Paris: "She managed to get the attitude down pat."
{Back in sick bay the Doctor asks B'Elanna to help him erase his medical database.}
Doctor: "What?!? That's like using a surgical scalpel to whittle!"
{B'Elanna tells him if she does it he probably wont be him anymore.}
Doctor: "Finally some sense, I'm a doctor not a artist."
Paris: "but then you could have been the artist formerly known as the Doctor."
(The rest of the crew stare blankly at him.)
Paris: "Sorry, it wasn't that clever when it first came out."
{The Doctor admits the song is beyond his abilities.}
All (but the Doctor): "What?? He ADMITTED it?!"
{The Doctor finishes his last song.}
Paris: "and 15 minutes on the dot."
Doctor (as himself): "There will be no encores! You sawed off saps."
{The other hologram comes on.}
Paris: "Just think of it Doctor, you get to stay with Voyager and they have to still put up with your attitude, it's win-win."
Harry: "They made a hologram to sing that! It sucks!"
{The Doctor reenters to ask for his position back.}
Doctor (as himself): "Oh wait I forgot to come in crawling, I'll do it again."
{The captain gives him his job back.}
Janeway (as herself): "Though I've now made it the CMO's job to polish my boots each morning."
{In sickbay Seven reads her fan letter.}
Janeway: "Well at least they got the depiction of one of us right, and said characters loving, caring nature"
Doctor: "It's done! Get me out of here!"
{The crew shuffles to the doors while the Doctors program reroutes with all possible speed.}

{Fade in on the Bridge, the crew standing around stretching, groaning, trying to recover, the Doctor absent. As they speak the Doctor appears; alarmingly he is dressed in a fashion akin to David Lee Roth. Music starts as the Doctor begins to sing.}

(Sung to David Lee Roth's "Just a Gigolo".)
I'm just a hologram and every where I am
People know the part I'm playin
I don't have a name, but it means I need no fame
Do you hear what I'm saying?

There may come a day, when the crew will pass away
What will they say about me?
In the end I am still just a hologram
Life goes on with out me

(At this point he demonstrates by altering his matrix to walk through consoles, rails, crewmembers, etc.)
Cause I… ain't got no body
No body
No body
No body
I just got light beams, and force fields
Like ships shields
Made of light and energy
Working together in, programmed synergy

Present and future tech gear combined to
Get me here

I've got new things to do, but not to leave my crew
I don't know what I'll do, but with maintenance, I'll get through

So I'll make it though
Like the rest, I'll pass the test
Each and every time each episode, each episode sign

Despite that I am, A an emergency medical hologram
My crew
They need me

{The Doctor straightens himself and reverts his matrix back to his normal blue and black uniform.}
Janeway: "Wonderfully done… Maestro."
(As Janeway grins the Doctor shakes his head in a good-natured way.)
Doctor: "I had to get that out of my system."
Seven: "I too noticed I felt much better after I sang."
Chakotay: "Seven, I think most of us felt better after you sang."
Janeway: "Still, the Doctor's number seemed to improve spirits so I am starting our off duty rotation now. Dismissed, push the button Harry."
{Fade to black.}