Mystery Series Theater 3000

A Doubleheader

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This was written by a J/7er, heavy on the 7. If f/f themes offend you, you have my sympathy and my recommendation that you find something else to read.

Dedication: First, this is dedicated to Gina L. Dartt. While this has no connection to her "Just Between" stories, I was heavily influenced by her works and you will find tributes to her at various spots. It is also dedicated to all my new friends I have made at Sandrines. I hope everyone enjoys.

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(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
But the Queen decided she wanted Seven back
So she tracked down the USS Voyager and went on the attack
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Captain Janeway: "Janeway to Astrometrics."
Seven: "Captain Janeway to Astrometrics."
..and the rest
B'Elanna: "What's this "and the rest" nonsense???"
On Mystery Series Theatre 3000

{Scene opens on the mess hall where we see the bridge crew huddled together over one of the larger tables. Neelix approaches as the crew goes over PADD's and quietly discussing between themselves.}
Neelix: "So, how goes the battle?"
Harry: "We can't seem to remove the MST protocols, so we are trying to expand Seven's limited control."
Neelix: "Captain? Do you know my request to have my position as Morale Officer formally listed as bridge crew? I hear by with draw it."
(The crew chuckles lightly.)
Janeway (with a smile): "Noted Mr. Neelix" (getting more serious): "Doctor, how have we been holding up?"
Doctor: "It hasn't been easy, but as usual the crew has been rising to the challenge."
Janeway: "Still I want to institute a new policy that after making it through an episode there is an automatic off duty rotation for all those involved."
B'Elanna: "Speaking of making it through … we learned that after Harry…"
Harry: "Flipped out?"
(B'Elanna smiles.)
B'Elanna: "Well… yes while Harry was unconscious the episode turned up a notch for the rest of us. It seems to be keyed to us. Literally scanning our neural activity all the while as it's going on."
Janeway: "So we stand together, or we hang separately?"
Seven: "Essentially so."
Chakotay: "but that also means if one of us seems to be handling it poorly the rest could pick up the slack and the person could be rendered unconscious?"
B'Elanna: "Looks like it."
Janeway: "Doctor, I want you to have that hypospray at the ready while we are in the theater. B'Elanna, Seven, Harry, the Queen seemed to say these were connected to specific points. I'm going to trust she made sure we can not avoid them, just probably dodge one to run right into another, but I want a way to detect them. Any advanced warning we can get. Tuvok, we know the protocols take over our own systems to attack us, I want you to work with the Doctor see if there is any way we can fool our systems to reading our neural activity is there. Chakotay I will have you supervise them while I keep an eye on our engineering team. Dismissed."
{Fade out of mess hall and into engineering.}

B'Elanna: "Well thank you little miss efficient."
Seven: "You are welcome?"
Harry: "B'Elanna, it's not Sevens fault that she detected the approaching experiment. With this advance warning we can make ready, get a meal, take a shower… (grins while muttering under his breath): "make peace with our Gods."
B'Elanna: "Let's see if you can keep that smile once we are in the theater."
B'Elanna (tapping her commbadge): "B'Elanna to bridge crew, make peace with your maker, its show time."

Door Sequence
      The bridge turbolift doors open.
      The bridge crew piles into the now empty car as Janeway barks "Holodeck 2".
      Several moments of the car in motion as the crew shifts about nervously.
      The car stops, and the doors open as the crew piles out the doors open as they approach, seeming ready
      for them.

 The crew steps into the holodeck taking their familiar theater seats left to right Seven, Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim, Paris, and B'Elanna, in a flicker the Doctor is rerouted to the seat next to B'Elanna.}
Doctor: "Why would I want to make peace with Doctor Zimmerman, I didn't know we were in conflict?"
Chakotay: "Think of it as telling your father goodbye in case you don't make it through the episode."
Doctor (sounding markedly depressed): "Oh"
B'Elanna: "Day of Honor"? Looks like it's my turn."
(Paris puts his arms around her, and she snuggles in.)
{Scene opens on Cargo Bay 2 and Seven regenerating in her alcove.}
Janeway: "She's so cute when she regenerates."
(Seven blushes.)
{Chakotay asks about Seven wanting to seem him.}
Paris (as Seven): "Want to? No, but it's necessary."
{Seven mentions how the hours do not pass quickly.}
Seven (as herself): "They make me watch Voyager."
{Chakotay asks if she had something specific in mind.}
Seven (as herself): "Yes, which way to the Captains Quarters?"
{In engineering Vorik pesters B'Elanna about working on the coolant assembly, then she tells him not today.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I have a headache."
{Paris asks her if she will be going through with it.}
B'Elanna (singing): "Paris, don't preach."
{B'Elanna lists all the problems she had been having that day.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "and now you're here."
{Chakotay tells B'Elanna about Seven's request for an assignment, and she says she didn't know he was naive.}
Seven (as B'Elanna): "but you DID make me your engineer."
{In the ready room Janeway talks to Seven about the rules.}
Janeway (as herself): "and if you do not follow the rules there will be consequences."
Seven: "Consequences?"
Janeway: "CENSURE"
(Seven shivers, eyes alight and smile wide.)
{Janeway talks about what to call Seven.}
Janeway (as herself): "Borg Beauty? Cutie from the Cube?"
Seven (as herself): "Mistress?"
(Janeway has her turn smiling and shivering.)
{Janeway as her how she would feel about "Seven".}
Seven (as herself): "Agreed, I'll meet you in your quarters at seven."
{As they leave the ready room for the bridge Seven gives the captain an appraising look and the eyebrow.}
B'Elanna: "She checked her out!"
Janeway: "So?"
B'Elanna: "Well yes, but back then?"
Seven (as herself): "That one pleases me."
{On the bridge's viewscreen Rumin introduces himself.}
(Paris hums "Rum and Coca Cola")
{He explains his people's state.}
 Doctor (as Rumin): "We are not mentally ill or drug addicts!"
{He explains they need food, medicines.}
Harry (as Rumin): "Spare change"
Chakotay: "Do you think this is wrong to make jokes at their expense?"
Janeway: "It's like the old saying better to laugh then cry, or to all perish if this episode would cause us to snap and turn on each other."
{Rumin says she can not understand what it means to them.}
Tuvok: "Let's just hope he doesn't try to wash off our viewscreen."
{Down in engineering B'Elanna asks Seven if she ever has any feelings of remorse.}
Paris (as Seven): "They were weenies before assimilation, we did the universe a favor."
{B'Elanna asks Seven if she feels any guilt.}
Seven (as herself): "Guilt is irrelevant, I'm on this series, which is penance enough."
{Seven suggests she goes to wait in her alcove.}
Seven (as herself): "I'm falling asleep standing up listening to you, I may as well do it correctly."
{In the mess hall Neelix offers B'Elanna blood pie.}
Paris: "Kids come running for the great taste of blood pie."
Doctor: "Just like mother used to make."
Tuvok: "Mother Dahmer."
{Neelix tells her about his research as morale officer.}
Chakotay (singing): "Every move you make, every step you take, I'll be watching you."
{Neelix offers to be a pressure valve by letting her abuse him at will.}
Paris: (as Neelix): "The rest of the crew does it, why not you?"
{B'Elanna refuses.}
Paris: "What? Are you kidding?"
{She tells how the rituals she learned as a child don't seem as hateful.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "The way we used to get together with all the family for the seal clubbing…"
{B'Elanna says to bring on the blood pie.}
Chakotay (as Bill Cosby): "There's always room for blood pie."
{On the holodeck holo-klingon tells B'Elanna kaplah.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Bless you"
{The holoceremony.}
Harry: "She just doesn't seem into it."
B'Elanna: "Gee, you think?"
{They take the painsticks to B'Elanna.}
Paris: "Now THAT you don't seem to enjoy."
(B'Elanna's blushing and trying not to make eye contact.)
Chakotay (as B'Elanna): "Thank you sir, may I have another?"
{B'Elanna in her quarters, the shot showing a crystal decanter.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Ah, sweet booze YOU'LL never make me go through 20 painsticks."
{B'Elanna and Paris fight in her quarters.}
Paris (as himself, sounding calm): "Ok so see you for dinner?"
B'Elanna (as herself sounding calm): "Of course"
{Fade out}

{Fade back in on the bridge Seven and B'Elanna conversing.}
B'Elanna (seeming in midsentence): "oh yes, after all the time Tom and I have been together we have learned have the fight, yell, shout, then drop it. You'll have fights, that's a given. It's a matter of learning how to deal with them."
Seven: "Kathryn and I do not fight often, the last time was when she tried to convince me to excuse myself from the episodes."
B'Elanna: "You and the captain have really grown close haven't you?"
Seven (speaking lower): "Yes… I almost want to thank the Queen. I won the fight because Kathryn admitted she needs my strength in the theater. The strain of the experiments has caused the loosening of Kathryn's parameters for our relationship."
B'Elanna: "Woah, woah Seven, it can't be about winning. I mean I am happy you and the captain are doing so well. I haven't seen either of you two happier. Just don't let the fights be about winning or loosing. The only thing you could really loose is the other person, you can shout it out, but talk it through."
Seven: "Thank you Lt. Torres."
B'Elanna: "Call me B'Elanna."
Seven: "Thank you B'Elanna, I'm sorry about this episode."
B'Elanna: "Don't worry about it. I'm sure we are all going to get a turn or two."
Seven: "No I am sorry it's starting again, we have episode sign."

Door Sequence
      The bridge turbolift doors open.
      The bridge crew piles into the now empty car as Janeway barks "Holodeck 2".
      Several moments of the car in motion as the crew shifts about nervously.
      The car stops, and the doors open as the crew piles out the doors open as they approach, seeming ready
      for them.

{The crew steps into the holodeck taking their familiar theater seats left to right Seven, Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim, Paris, and B'Elanna, in a flicker the Doctor is rerouted to the seat next to B'Elanna. Seven whispering something in the captain's ear while resting her hand on hers. As the screen lights back up a beaming Janeway settles back in while holding her hand and Seven's together in her lap.}
{In the conference room Rumin tells them about 200 people on 3 ships.}
Harry (as Rumin): "and only one bathroom."
{Rumin lays on the guilt trip.}
B'Elanna: "What is this a Christian Children's Fund commercial?"
{Walking down a hallway Paris talks to Seven about the transwarp conduit and admits he will have no idea what he would be doing.}
Paris (as himself): "Not that it would be any different from usual."
Paris: "Ha! Beat you all to it!"
{Rumin confronts Seven about the crimes of the collective.}
Seven (as Rumin): "Do you know Steve?"
{Seven talks about the feelings others seem to have towards her.}
B'Elanna: "Yes Seven seems to inspire passionate feelings."
(Janeway, and Harry blush.)
{Paris tells Seven he will help her adapt if he can.}
Seven: "Kathryn, I believe he is stealing your "lines"."
{In engineering B'Elanna says they will be opening a transwarp corridor to take a peek.}
Doctor: "She likes to watch."
Harry (singing): "She's a very kinky girl, the kind you don't take home to mother."
{Janeway tells them if they can not fix the core to flee engineering.}
Janeway (as herself): "It won't help if the ship blows up, but do it any way."
{Paris tells her she can't order him to flee engineering because he outranks her.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Well then sir, bite me."
{B'Elanna welcomes them to the worst day of her life.}
Chakotay: "Hi, I'd like to say I'm glad to be here, but I have no choice."
{B'Elanna says she sent the Borg back to her alcove.}
Janeway (as herself): "Well done… I'll be in cargo bay 2."
{In space the Kitati say they are involved in a salvage operation.}
Tuvok (as the Kitati): "Were not thieves, often."
{B'Elanna shouts idiots!}
B'Elanna (as herself): "All the writers, each and every one of them, idiots!"
{The computer tells them of the runabouts status.}
B'Elanna: "That computers voice is made to nag."
Doctor: "Hull integrity is failing, communications down, are you eating enough vegetables?"
{As they are beaming out Paris says the computer is down.}
Harry: "Over 400 hundred years and Microsoft is STILL making crap."
{The shuttle explodes.}
Chakotay: "See? I'm no where near there."
{Paris hails Voyager from with in his spacesuit.}
Paris (as himself): "Wait, I may be waiting to die, but I WILL be out of the episode… skip it."
{B'Elanna says things would be easier if she had a spanner.}
B'Elanna (as herself): So I could crack you up along side the head and shut you up."
{A sharp annoying signal is emitted.}
Tuvok: "This is a test, this is only a test, if it were a real emergency…"
{In the captains ready room Seven explains how she still receives energy from the alcove.}
Paris (seeming to weigh in his hands): "The loss of all sense of self versus not needing to eat Neelix's cooking…"
{Janeway questions Seven on her actions, what she was doing.}
Janeway (as herself): "What were you wearing?"
{Janeway admits part of her is suspicious.}
Janeway (as herself): "Part of me just wants to punish you."
{While floating B'Elanna and Tom get hit with ion turbulence.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Wow, was that good for you?"
{B'Elanna says she is down to 30 minutes of air.}
Doctor: "and coincidentally enough 30 minutes are left in the episode."
{In the ready room Janeway is at her desk while Seven stands near by.}
Janeway: "Fortunately you have been sitting more since then."
Seven: "Your lap was a necessary inducement."
{Seven finds the mistake.}
B'Elanna: "Deus ex Borg-ica"
{The Kitati armada surround Voyager.}
Tuvok (as Rumin): "Did I tell you we are not criminals?"
{He demands Seven.}
Janeway (voice low, dangerous, as herself): "She's mine."
(Seven beams.)
{While floating in space Paris says he will lower the oxygen ratio again.}
Chakotay (as Paris): "So you will find me more attractive."
{B'Elanna tells him her first thoughts on him.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I've just learned to love that about you."
{Back on the bridge Seven offers to surrender herself to the Kitati.}
Janeway (as herself): "Oh you'll surrender yourself… but not to the Kitati."
(Seven blushes.)
{Janeway prepares to fight the Kitati.}
Seven (singing): "My girlfriends back and your going to be in trouble."
All (but Janeway): "Hey na, hey na, her girlfriends back."
{Janeway asks what made Seven think of giving technology to the Kitati.}
Seven: "Your BIG GOOEY LOOK, and the melting sensation it causes."
{In sickbay they offer Rumin the matrix.}
Harry (as Rumin): "but that sounds like work."
{Seven strides away.}
Seven (as herself): "I need soothing, I'll be in your quarters captain."
{Janeway stands alone smiling.}
Janeway (as herself): "She's so cute when she's regaining her humanity."
{In space B'Elanna has to tell Tom something.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "I…. I… It's over!"
Doctor (downright bubbly): "I wasn't in this episode."
{The crew stands up all at the same time and moves towards the doorway. The doctor stepping aside and getting the focused look he gets when he routes his program from one area to another. As they reach the door B'Elanna is the first to arrive and press the button to open the doors. A muted beep is the only response.}
B'Elanna: "What?"
Paris: "N...n… no!"
Doctor: "I seem unable to route myself back to sickbay."
(Chakotay steps forward to look around Tom and over B'Elanna's shoulder. Harry squeezing in on the other side of B'Elanna, Seven and the captain stand in the background holding hands. Seven frowning as the captain releases her hand to step forward, and into command.)
Janeway: "Situation?"
B'Elanna: "The holodeck doors won't open."
Janeway: "and the reason for that would be?"
(The screen then flickers to life with the image of the Borg Queen, her chamber in the background.)
Queen: "Elementary my dear Janeway, you have a second episode. Let's see if your precious Seven can get you through that!"
(Seven steps next to Janeway and lays a hand on her shoulder, which Janeway places her hand on top of meeting the young Borg's gaze. After holding her gaze a moment she turns to the Queen's image on the screen.)
Seven: "You will fail."
(Those few words seem to galvanize the rest of the crew. Backs straighten; eyes narrow as they turn to face the screen.)
Harry: "Hit us with your best shot, We're not afraid."
(Seven meets Harry's eyes and smiles, a smile that sets the ensign to beaming.)
Queen (as Yoda): "You will be, you will be."
{The crew retake their seats as the screen that had went blank comes to life with the image of a body being pulled from a wall, leaving a red splotch behind.}
Chakotay: "Revulsion" at least this one is letting us know what we'll be feeling right off."
Doctor: "I've told the crew again and again, paint ball guns are just not safe."
Janeway (motherly voice): "Haven't I told you kids to stop roughhousing? You're making a mess!"
{The one dragging the body flickers.}
B'Elanna: "We should have known there would be a hologram involved."
Paris: "I do see a connection, holograms seem to be a common theme."
Doctor: "Holograms, and Mr. Paris, Heaven help us all if it has both."
Paris: "Hey I had nothing to do with "Unforgettable"!"
Tuvok: "Yes, but two out of three IS bad."
(Harry's head is in his hands as he shakes.)
Harry: "She took it personally, that's the only explanation. The Queen took it personally and this is my punishment."
Doctor: "Mr. Kim?"
Seven: "You may wish to prepare a sedative Doctor, for the Ensign, or myself."
{In the mess hall Harry and Paris describe their prank at Tuvok's promotional dinner.}
Tuvok: "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot"
Chakotay: "and the tradition continues."
Tuvok: "Well I did get tea commander."
Chakotay: "Such a prank, cliché while yet racially offensive."
Tuvok: "I think the cliché was the greatest offense of all."
{Janeway says how when she first met Tuvok he "dressed her down".}
All: "Captain, no!"
Paris: "On the first date and everything. I doubt even Seven can say that."
Harry: "and in front of Admirals."
(Seven takes Kathryn's hand into hers and rests it into her lap.)
Seven: "Kathryn took her time, as a lady should."
(Janeway simply smiles and pats Seven's knee.)
{Janeway mentions her Human ego took a bruising.}
Janeway (as herself): "After which I found his Vulcan ass and returned the favor."
{She makes Tuvok Lt. Commander.}
Paris: "Ah great now his attitude is justified."
{Tuvok says he would have possibly refused if he knew ritual humiliation was involved.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Or I would have just brought a phaser to deal with the worst of you."
{Tuvok says that after his 3 years on Voyager he has come to respect a great deal many of them.}
Tuvok (as himself) "Well some of you … a few… ok two and only one of them is here at the moment."
{Paris catches up with B'Elanna outside the mess hall.}
Chakotay: "Wake me when it's over. I'm taking nap."
Janeway: "Oh no you don't, you'll just have to be bored with the rest of us."
B'Elanna and Paris: "Hey!"
{Paris says it is ridiculous.}
Harry (as Paris): "Yet for some strange reason you find me attractive."
{Paris mentions she was suffering oxygen deprivation when she said she loved him.}
Chakotay (as Paris): "Normally it takes my dates several bottles of synthahol to say they love me, but I have to think the effect is about the same."
{B'Elanna says she did mean it.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "and since the Doctor says he can not restore the brain cells lost I guess I am stuck that way."
{The Doctor recruits Paris to be the new nurse.}
Paris (as himself): "but I don't have the tiny white hat, or the even tinier white skirt."
B'Elanna: "Yeah, but I bet you'd look cute in em"
Seven: " I could be of assistance Mr. Paris, would a candy stripers uniform be suitable?"
(Janeway blushes.)
{Chakotay talks to Harry about upgrading the astrometrics department.}
Chakotay (as himself): "For some reason she wants to put in a water bed."
(Harry watches the scene and whimpers.)
Harry: "No, no, I survived it the first time around I can survive it this time."
{On the bridge they watch the holograms distress call.}
Paris (as hologram): "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."
{The Doctor says he wants to meet the isomorph since it is one of his own kind, a hologram.}
(Doctor looks up, down, scanning the holodeck.)
Doctor: "and haven knows we don't have any here."
{Seven climbs down the ladder in Cargo Bay 2.}
(Janeway gets a silly, smitten grin.)
Paris (singing): "Who put the bomp in the bomp shbomp she-borg."
{Seven asks if she is to work with him.}
Paris (as Harry, as Jerry Lewis) "Hoi Yes Miss Lady, Nice Miss Borg lady, in the shiny, hoil, suit."
{Seven promises not to strike Harry at the base of the skull.}
B'Elanna (as Seven): "Next time it will be right between the eyes."
{Seven mentions how she is amused at human behavior.}
Seven (as herself): "Like how the captain is trying to resist her attraction to me."
{The Doctor paces in the shuttlecraft.}
Paris: "Those boots were made for walkin."
Doctor: "Technically they were not made at all, they are part of my holographic matrix."
{The Doctor speculates on the relationship between Tom and B'Elanna.}
Doctor (as himself): "He he he you're having sex."
{B'Elanna gets angry and the Doctor offers her a tranquilizer.}
B'Elanna: "Could I have that tranquilizer now?"
{The Doctor walks through the darkened ship saying "Hello" ship as B'Elanna works on the power.}
Doctor (singing as himself): "Is it me you're looking for?"
{The Doctor speaks of B'Elanna's bedside manner.}
Paris: "Yes, she does…. Oh wait you said bed SIDE."
{The Doctor and B'Elanna meet the isomorph.}
(The Doctor prepares a hypospray.)
Doctor: "Great, looks like it's my turn."
(He presses the hypospray into his neck.)
Doctor: "Right, hologram … damn!"
{The isomorph asks B'Elanna if she's a hologram.}
Doctor (as himself): "No I'm the only one so blessed."
{The isomorph describes his duties.}
Doctor (singing): "The cabin boy, the cabin boy, the dirty little nipper."
{He then tells the Doctor how he was not designed for medical functions.}
B'Elanna (as isomorph): "Damn it doctor I'm a hologram not a doctor!"
{The isomorph says he had to watch the crew die to the virus one by one.}
Doctor (as isomorph): "It was cool!"
{The isomorph asks the Doctor his name.}
Doctor (as himself): "Kuntakinte!"
{Then in the Jefferies tubes Harry checks Seven's work and finds the mistake.}
Seven (as herself): "Speaking of my humanity reasserting itself… what can you tell me of this Captain Janeway?"
{Harry asks Seven what she does for fun down in Cargo Bay 2.}
All (but Janeway and Seven coughing): "captain, cough, cough, captain"
{Seven lists activities.}
Seven (as herself): "Command training" with Captain Janeway."
{Harry let's Seven go first.}
Janeway: "You hate having her go, but you love watching her leave."
{Seven reaches for the power conduit.}
B'Elanna: "I told you guys we needed to get outlet covers."
{Seven and Harry talk about safety procedures.}
Janeway: "I couldn't demote him if he tries to kiss her, so I guess I'll have to settle for a firing squad."
{On the alien craft the isomorph asks him if he knows what its like to spend life in a tiny room.}
Doctor (as himself): "No, but I know what it's like to spend life in a tiny series."
{The isomorph talks about being fastidious about germs.}
Chakotay (as isomorph): "Mother doesn't like germs. No mother, I don't want to kill them mother…"
{The Doctor mentions he can on occasion act odd.}
(All but the Doctor laugh.)
{The isomorph almost walks into the charged cable.}
B'Elanna (as herself): " (Not so) dramatic conclusion ready."
{The isomorph says she nibbles like a fish.}
Paris: "I like to think of it more like a bunny."
{The isomorph screams "Look at you, look at you."}
Paris: "I'm looking, I'm looking."
{The isomorph says the crew treated him quite badly.}
All (as isomorph): "They made me watch Voyager."
{B'Elanna thanks him for the rations.}
B'Elanna (as herself, under her breath): "Ya big photonic freak."
Seven: "On that note, I have tried my code and we are allowed another break."
{The holodeck goes to its grid as the crew races for the doors.}

{Fading back in on the bridge.}

B'Elanna: "So what did we do to get this double header?"
Seven (hanging her head): "I believe that's my fault. The Queen contacted me while the captain and I were showering."
(Paris grins.)
Janeway: "So that's where you went."
Seven: "During the conversation I told her Janeway was superior to her. I believe she took that personally."
Janeway (seemingly oblivious): "So she sought to break the crews will to show her superiority."
Tuvok: "I don't mean to offend you Seven, but the Queen seems to be going extraordinary lengths to retrieve you."
Harry: "Probably doesn't like her password out floating about."
Seven: "Yes, her password."
Harry: "Well she won't win Seven, now or ever."
(She gives the ensign a shy smile as she catches B'Elanna giving her an arched look.)
Harry: "We get to go beat her again because we have episode sign!"

Door Sequence
      The bridge turbolift doors open.
      The bridge crew piles into the now empty car as Janeway barks "Holodeck 2".
      Several moments of the car in motion as the crew shifts about nervously.
      The car stops, and the doors open as the crew piles out the doors open as they approach, seeming ready
      for them.

{As the crew retakes their normal seats B'Elanna whispers to Seven as the young Borg passes by.}
B'Elanna (whispering): "Psychotic Ex?"
Seven (whispering): "You have NO idea."
{B'Elanna and the Doctor talk about the isomorph and how it took him several days to master human interaction.}
Doctor (as himself): "Just look at me now."
{B'Elanna says she wants the ability to shut down his program if she needs to.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "and yours to."
{In engineering Seven suggests a "radical dislocation" that they need to pull it out.}
Harry (as himself): "HELLO!"
Paris: "Send the kids out of the room."
Janeway (whispering to Seven): "Is there anything I need to worry about?"
Harry (overhearing, sounding mournful): "No."
{Seven is injured, and Harry takes her to sickbay.}
Chakotay (as Harry): "We'll have the captain meet us to kiss it."
 Seven: "Kiss it?"
Janeway: "Kiss it and make it better, like this."
(Janeway takes Seven's hand and kisses the palm.)
Seven: "I understand captain, I do feel better."
(Janeway and Seven smile.)
{In sickbay Paris suggests Seven should be more careful.}
Seven (as herself): "Thank you for such brilliant insight."
{Paris says he ways trying to lighten the mood.}
Doctor: "Yes, nothing like major surgery to lighten the mood."
{Harry extols Seven's virtues.}
Janeway: "and she has the cutest … well…"
{Paris talks about how she assimilated enough people.}
Janeway: "Quite the change from the last episode."
Paris: "Just trying to give Harry perspective. It will take a much more forceful personality to handle Seven."
(Paris and Janeway smirk at each other.)
B'Elanna: "Someone's bucking for his promotion."
{Paris goes over Harry's picking the tough ones to fall for.}
Paris (as himself): "A half-klingon engineer, oh wait that's me."
{Back on the alien ship the isomorph talks about the crew's slovenly carnal pleasures.}
Paris: "Yeah, that Captain Clinton."
Seven: "They are not that slovenly, if you do it right."
{Back on the alien ship the isomorph tries to convince the Doctor to leave Voyager.}
All: "No! a spin-off!"
{B'Elanna sees the bodies.}
Paris (as B'Elanna): "This modern art, I just don't get it."
{The isomorph tries to convince the Doctor.}
Paris (as the isomorph): "If you only knew the power of the dark side of the force."
{She brings up the isomorph's image.}
Tuvok: "Wanted for assault, attempted murder, murder, and check fraud."
{The Doctor gets to her as she collapses.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Oh hey, thanks for all the help."
{A shot of Voyager flying by as Harry Kim makes a personal log entry about working with Seven of Nine.}
Paris (as Harry): "and I think she's starting to notice the drooling."
{Seven meets Harry in the mess hall where he mentions his midnight inspiration.}
All (but Harry and Seven): "Ensign Kim NO!"
{Seven says she prefers to stand.}
Janeway (with a leer): "Yes, she does."
{Seven says beauty is irrelevant.}
Seven: "An opinion I have revised."
{Seven mentions Harry's reactions, and asks if he would like to change their affiliation, or if he would like to copulate.}
Paris: "Harry, buddy, if that much of a woman asks you to copulate, you say YES!"
(B'Elanna clears her throat.)
Paris: "… that is if you are not already DELIEROUSLY happy."
Janeway (smirking): "Still, it's good advice."
{Seven tells Harry to take of his clothes.}
Harry: "Do you think the Queen would let me out of the theater if I jump out the nearest airlock?"
{Seven promises not to hurt him.}
Janeway: "She means that… she's very gentle."
Paris (as Harry, as Jerry Lewis): "Hoil, nice Borg lady, with the things and umm hlaven."
{The isomorph says the Doctor is a hologram who thinks like an organic.}
Doctor (as himself): "I'm not bad, I'm just programmed that way."
{On the alien craft the isomorph advances on B'Elanna with the hammer.}
Tuvok: "The Fisher Price murder weapon."
{B'Elanna hits him with the cable.}
B'Elanna: "Plot device engaged."
{In his quarters Chakotay talks with Harry.}
Janeway: "Chakotay, I'm putting you in for a medal for being able to keep a straight face."
{Harry says Seven should be able to handle things with out him.}
B'Elanna: "Like Harry has to "handle" things with out her."
{Chakotay says he wants to keep them together as a team.}
Harry (as himself): "I'll just report to my quarters for the first in a series of cold showers."
Paris: "Hey! Welcome back Harry!"
{In sickbay the Doctor does his isomorph impression.}
Doctor: "That's the true joy of being a hologram once you realize you are superior it's so much easier to put up with the faults of those around you."
(The rest just look at him.)
Doctor (smirking): "What?"
Janeway: "It's done, it's over, we met your challenge Queen and we won, now open those doors."
Harry: "I guess she has nothing to say."
{Even as the doors start to open the screen comes to life.}
Queen: "HARRY!… and the rest."
B'Elanna: "What is this "and the rest" crap?"
Queen: "You won this time, but I have many seasons to go, and many seasons to come."
{The screen fades and the holodeck reverts to it's customary grid.}

{Fade in on the bridge. Harry is sitting on the steps; his shoulders slumped and head hung. Paris and B'Elanna sitting at each side, patting his shoulders and seeming consoling.}
Paris: "Come on buddy, it's ok. You said it best, you lived through it the first time."
Harry: "Yes, but then the humiliation was known only to Seven, I, and possibly Chakotay."
Paris: "I'm sure the crew doesn't think any less of you."
Tuvok: "Quite the opposite, the way you not only faced the situation, but were able to come back and join in the quipping was quite commendable."
Paris: "See? I have an idea, since the experiment is over the holodeck is free. How about we go suit up and run some Captain Proton."
Harry: "Great, maybe Constance Goodheart can reject me."
Seven (off to the side): "I thought I was Constance Goodheart?"
Janeway: "Shh honey."
(Janeway gives seven a peck on the cheek.)
Seven (voice getting husky): "and you Queen Arachnia."
(Janeway grins.)
(Seven is starting to snuggle into the captain.)
Janeway: "Someone's feeling playful."
Seven: "Well since the holodeck will be occupied perhaps we can return to your quarters and carry out that last scene?"
(Janeway grins quite wickedly.)
Janeway: "This doubleheader was tough on every one. I am ordering R and R for at least the next 3… make that 4 days."
Seven (muttering to herself): "I'll go find my silver biosuit."
B'Elanna (winking at Seven): "Another doubleheader huh?"
Seven (grins in turn): "Indeed."
Janeway: "All right, dismissed, push the button Mr. Tuvok."
Tuvok: "Aye captain."

{Fade to Black.}