Mystery Series Theater 3000


Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This was written by a J/7er, heavy on the 7. If f/f themes offend you, you have my sympathy and my recommendation that you find something else to read.

Dedication: First, this is dedicated to Gina L. Dartt. While this has no connection to her "Just Between" stories, I was heavily influenced by her works and you will find tributes to her at various spots. It is also dedicated to all my new friends I have made at Sandrines. I hope everyone enjoys.

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(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
But the Queen decided she wanted Seven back
So she tracked down the USS Voyager and went on the attack
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Captain Janeway: "Janeway to Astrometrics."
Seven: "Captain Janeway to Astrometrics."
..and the rest
B'Elanna: "What's this "and the rest" nonsense???"
On Mystery Series Theatre 3000

{The scene opens on Voyager's engineering section. B'Elanna Torres's feet are dangling out from underneath a console as Captain Janeway stands above her observing.}
Janeway: "Report"
B'Elanna: "Do you remember the time, Well I'm sure YOU do, after we got Seven, and we needed to remove all the Borg modifications from the ship?"
(Janeway arches her eyebrows at the Lieutenant's implication.)
B'Elanna: "Anyway they were just this side of impossible to remove and it was just modifications to the ship. This… well, what we are calling the MST protocols are MADE to never be removed."
Janeway: "Sum up."
B'Elanna: "Damn it, captain! I'm an engineer not a drone."
(At this point, Seven of Nine climbs down a nearby ladder, the view causing a rather hungry grin to appear on Janeways face. Which causes a rather amused one to appear on B'Elanna's.)
Seven: "Well, I am the woman formerly known as Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix 01, and I am not having any success either. So far, we can see the Borg algorithms, and monitor them, but that is all. They seem only to be able to send commands, not receive them."
Janeway: "Show me"
(As they maneuver over to bring up the information they notice something that seems to rattle the usually unshakable Seven.)
B'Elanna (voice quiet, terrified): "Oh no!"
Janeway: "What?"
Seven: "The program is activating."
Janeway: "How long do we have?"
Seven: "Moments."
Janeway (tapping her commbadge): "Red alert, bridge crew to Holodeck 2."

Door Sequence
      The bridge turbolift doors open.
      The bridge crew piles into the now empty car as Janeway barks, "Holodeck 2".
      Several moments of the car in motion as the crew shifts about nervously.
      The car stops and the doors open as the crew pile out, the doors open as they approach, seeming ready
      for them.

{The crew steps into the holodeck taking their familiar theater seats: (left to right) Seven, Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim, Paris, and B'Elanna, in a flicker the Doctor is rerouted to the seat next to B'Elanna.}
Harry: "Here we go again."
Doctor: "I trust I won't have to sedate you again."
Harry: "I'm hoping you will."
Tuvok: "Unforgettable' Somehow I doubt that."
Janeway: "I know. I have yet to stop having nightmares from the last one."
Seven: "It took several moments to soothe you when I awoke to your distress."
Janeway: "I think they get the idea."
Paris: "No, no. Please continue Seven."
(A muffled thump of B'Elanna lightly tagging a slap to the side of Tom's head is heard.)
Janeway: "Thank you, lieutenant."
B'Elanna: "My pleasure, captain."
Doctor: "I'm sorry to interrupt, but can we return to the episode?"
Doctor: "What am I saying?"
{At this point, Ensign Kim is talking about Seven's modifications to the collectors.}
B'Elanna (highly sarcastic tone): "and if Seven thought of it, it HAS to be good."
Seven: "I'm glad you're finally seeing reason lieutenant."
{Harry says he has to realign his sensors with Seven's}
Harry: "I've been trying! Don't you think I've been trying? Sorry, sorry."
{Paris comments on the "realignment".}
Seven: "While Ensign Kim may be very capable, he has neither the training, nor the … equipment for the task."
Chakotay: "For Captains Eyes Only," huh?"
Seven: "Indeed."
{Chakotay asks if Harry's getting feedback from Seven's modifications.}
Harry: "I wish."
{Janeway says there is nothing out there.}
Paris (as himself): "Well that "nothing" is proceeding to kick our ass."
{Janeway calls to astrometrics.}
(All except the captain and Seven sigh.)
{One of the battling ships explodes.}
(Everyone looks to make sure Chakotay is still in the theater.)
Chakotay: "What?"
{The pilot radios to Chakotay.}
B'Elanna: "That explains it."
{The away team beams to the damaged ship. Where Chakotay tells them to fix life support and stabilize the hull.}
Paris: "Gee, ya think?"
Chakotay: "Hey! I had to attend Star Fleet academy to get those decision-making skills."
{Finding someone under the beam, Chakotay says he will try to get the beam off of her.}
Harry (as pilot): "Oh ok, take your time."
{He tells her to prepare to roll out from under as if her life depended on it.}
Doctor (as pilot): "It's not that bad, is it?"
{We get a good look at the pilot.}
Harry: "It's Dana Scully! And she's blonde!"
{She says she knew he'd come.}
B'Elanna: "Yeah, Seska said about the same thing."
{The Doctor can't get any readings.}
Doctor (as himself): "She must not have any insurance."
{He says he can still repair the damage.}
Doctor (as himself): "but I don't want to."
{Pilot murmurs "Can't".}
Tuvok (as pilot): "Can't, Can't appear on Voyager."
{Pilot says it's a complicated story.}
Janeway (as herself): "On this series? Not very likely."
B'Elanna: "Corny maybe, complicated, never."
{She explains the "Forget" pheromone.}
Doctor: "Pheromone my holographic… matrix. They can't be remembered because they are so accursedly DULL."
{She explains she came back because she loves Chakotay.}
B'Elanna (as pilot): "I will not be ignored!"
Chakotay: "Oh, this is going to be greeeeeeeeaaaaatttt. What are these things going down the command chain?"
{After the staff meeting.}
Janeway: "So, we knew nothing before the meeting, and nothing after. Its days like that that make me proud to be in Starfleet."
{The scene with the alien, Tuvok and Seven in astrometrics.}
Seven: "I should have known resistance is futile."
Janeway (a concerned tone): "What?"
Seven: "I was hoping I would not appear in this episode."
{Seven brings up the flight logs.}
Harry (nerd voice): "You see the path of the motorcade … "
{Seven and Tuvok speculate on the nature of the reactions of the pilot and Chakotay.}
Tuvok (as himself): "I prefer not to speculate, because it's far too upsetting to contemplate."
{Scene fades into the mess hall.}
Harry: "I just realized something… anyone remember the pilot's name?"
(Everyone looks at everyone else while shaking his or her head.)
Harry: "I guess she wasn't kidding about not being able to remember them."
{She asks Chakotay if he thought she would take such a risk to return to him if he did not return her feelings.}
Chakotay: "I'd like to think so."
(The rest of the crew snickers.)
{In the flashback, Chakotay catches her in Cargo Bay 2.}
Chakotay: "I guess Cargo Bay 2 should be designated Voyager's singles spot."
{She mentions losing her cloak.}
B'Elanna: "What a +2 cloak of invisibility?"
{He says that on his ship he gives the orders.}
Janeway (in a low dangerous voice): "Your' ship?"
Chakotay (stammering): "In the sense … that I serve on … heh…"
{Chakotay says that if she will surrender, he will listen.}
Chakotay (as himself): "I won't care, but I'll listen."
{She says she felt an instant attraction.}
Doctor (as the pilot): "Then I remembered the mind-bending effect of the cloak and came to my senses."
{Chakotay asks her to stick to the facts, not the emotions.}
B'Elanna: "Just like a man."
(Seven seems to have been observing the captain for most of the episode. She then grabs the captain and before Janeway can respond pulls her into a passionate embrace. Her arms wrapped around Janeway's diminutive form. One long, shapely leg wraps over and around near the captain's waist while the other leg slides between the captain's legs. Her lips are plastered over Janeway's in a seemingly air-tight seal only parting long enough to allow the captains quick gasps of air. While seemingly on their own the captain hands move to caress the Borgs stomach and ribs with the occasional cupping and caressing of Seven's full breasts.)
{In the space battle, it's said how the weapons are ignoring their shields, and then Tuvok says the shields are down to 29%.}
B'Elanna (frazzled): "Wait, wait, wait, if the weapons are ignoring the shields then the shields are not using any energy!"
Paris (speaking comfortingly and resting B'Elannas head to his shoulder): "Shhhh its ok, honey, its going to be ok."
B'Elanna (emotion-laden voice): "It's just been hard, aliens that don't exist, half-baked weapons technology…"
{She asks for access to their systems, and Janeway grants it.}
Tuvok: (as Janeway): "Sure, here's our self-destruct codes while I'm at it.}
{Janeway tells Paris to coordinate with engineering.}
B'Elanna (still sounding upset): "Great, now we have to send status reports every 10 minutes."
{In his quarters, she tells him about the last night they spent together.}
Paris: "That's a switch. Normally it's Chakotay's dates who find him easy to forget."
{In the mess hall, Chakotay asks for tea.}
All: "Earl Grey, Hot"
Harry: "Think we'll ever get tired of that gag?"
Paris: "I sure hope not."
{Neelix mentions how she looks at him.}
B'Elanna (as Neelix): "With disgust and loathing."
{Chakotay says he finds it hard to believe.}
Paris (as Chakotay): "I mean, just look at me."
{Scene Fades}

{Scene reopens on the bridge, but only Janeway, still looking flushed and slightly shocked and Seven, who is flushed but instead looks quite happy, the only ones present.}
Janeway: "What was that all about? Not that I am complaining mind you, but it caught me off guard, and that doesn't happen very often."
(Seven tilts her head in that oh-so-adorable way.)
Seven: "Since our last experience in the theater, I researched the topic, and when two people with an emotional connection are in that environment in it's darkened state they engage in precursors to copulation, "making out". Was that incorrect?"
Janeway: "No"
Seven: "Was it unpleasant?"
(Janeway smiles and puts a hand to her lips.)
Janeway: "No."
Seven: "Then should it not continue?"
Janeway: "Well … "
(Seven frowns as she sees Harry's console start to flash.)
Seven: "Unfortunately the discussion will have to wait, because we have episode sign."
(Frowning Janeway and Seven step into the turbolift, but as the doors are about to close Janeway gets a smile on her face. Arching up she gives Seven a peck on the cheek, and the doors close on a considerably happier ex-drone.)

{The scene reopens with the crew getting seated, as the screen flickers back to life, Seven yawns, and stretches, resting an arm over Janeway's shoulders. She smiles indulgently, and suprisingly enough, makes no move to remove the young Borg's arm from her shoulders.}
{She comes to meet Chakotay in his quarters and they talk.}
Harry (in a dull monotone.): "Oh the emotion, the tenderness."
Chakotay: "Hey!"
Paris: "Don't worry Chakotay, we are all just too overcome with emotion to find anything worthy of comment."
{She mentions drinking something with bubbles. Chakotay asks if it was champagne.}
B'Elanna: "No, Bubbles the ensign who is pretty, but not too bright."
{The flashback to the two of them at the sting.}
Harry: "Why don't we just shine a spotlight on the two of them?"
{Chakotay says he didn't have a chance to welcome him to Voyager.}
All: "Welcome to Voyager."
{She mentions the converter, and how they use it on runaways.}
Seven (as the pilot): "We beat them over the head with it."
{Chakotay accuses Tuvok of making a joke.}
Tuvok: I've had to learn how, it's that or wandering the hallways with a compression rifle."
{Tuvok suggests she protect Neelix in the mess hall.}
Paris: "That's a job for more then one person."
{Seven, Harry and the pilot work together in astrometrics, and Harry finds a defense.}
Harry (as himself.): "Yep, yep that's me, I'm pretty hot. Unbeatable alien weapons beat in 5 minutes or less."
{Seven talks with Harry about the courtship rituals.}
B'Elanna: "Seven you are asking the wrong person."
Harry: "Ok, ok. I think this has been covered!"
Seven: "As I said earlier I am lucky to have found someone … better suited."
B'Elanna (under her breath, grinning): "Command red suited."
{She finds the broken vase and reads it as a warning.}
Paris: "It's too bad she doesn't know about Chakotay being a total klutz.
{The tracer fires the converter.}
Chakotay: "I must be out of shape. I should have been able to have shot that guy a dozen times over in that span of time."
Paris: "Captain? I've noticed we have been given a much wider range of latitude here in the theatre."
Janeway: "After "Fair Haven" I don't really notice."
{In sickbay, the Doctor scans.}
Doctor: "Well, either she is dead, or my tricorder has stopped. Or, she is unscanable like she has been for the rest of the episode!"
{She begs Chakotay to not let it happen.}
Chakotay (as himself): "It's a bit too late to stop the episode even if it was in my power."
{Chakotay visits the tracer in the brig, and manhandles, then releases him.}
Chakotay (as himself): "I was mad, but I'm over it now."
{They debate the alien legal system.}
Janeway: "He broke into MY ship to attack someone I gave sanctuary. Those laws do not apply."
{Chakotay explains about how they fell in love.}
B'Elanna (as the pilot): "With you? Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
{In the transporter room, the tracer tells them he put a virus in the ship.}
Tuvok: "Oh, well that's ok, on your way then."
{Chakotay gives the "Energize" command.}
Chakotay (as himself): "… into space, wide dispersal."
{In the mess hall, Neelix mentions his primitive writing tools.}
Chakotay: "You'd think I was writing on the walls."
B'Elanna: "Wait, wouldn't there be huge gaps? Both in computer and our own memories?"
Doctor: "Ah yes, one of those tailored viruses. Able to defeat both medical countermeasures and basic logic."
All: "It's over!"
Harry: "I feel dirty!"
Paris: "I know this episode has left me wanting a shower."
B'Elanna (voice rather seductive): "Great idea, your place or mine?"
Paris: "You seem rather perky."
B'Elanna: "You forget. I am from Chakotay's Maquis crew. I haven't laughed so hard since Seska."
Janeway: "Paris has the right idea. Let's hit the showers and call it a night."
Doctor: "Holograms don't shower."
Paris (smirking): "…and there is no shower in Cargo Bay 2."
Harry (quickly): "She's free to use mine."
Janeway: "Thank you, ensign, but you seemed to be looking forward to getting clean. She can use mine."
Janeway: "Dismissed.
{Scene fades to black.}

{Then, it reopens on Janeways quarters. Seven is sitting at a desk wrapped in a towel as we hear the shower in the background. The flesh around her implants a soft pink. As she sits brushing out her hair, her eyes are glued to a terminal where we hear the voice of the Borg Queen.}
Queen (soft, compelling tones): "Come on, Seven, the times were not all that bad. There was a time you liked "servicing the queen".
Seven (hurt, angry tones): "Yes, but only when the Queen needed servicing. Otherwise it was all business, business, business. During planetfall, would you come to see the sites with me, appreciate their biological and technological distinctiveness before we added it to our own? No, that was irrelevant, always just striving, striving, striving for perfection."
Queen (voice even more soft and compelling, also slightly mournful.): "It took you being severed from the collective to make me realize how much I took you for granted."
Seven (angry, abrupt): "Enough!"
Queen (voice soft, sweet, pleading): "Sevencybersweetiebaby…"
Seven (interrupting): "No!"
Seven (voice getting dreamy and eyes getting distant): "Kathryn is your superior in EVERY way."
(The smirk on Seven's face telling the Queen all she needs to know about that.)
Queen (sounding now cold and distant): "Well, we shall see how your "Kathryn" deals with the next episode. I doubt she will be all that superior when her last shred of sanity vanishes."
(In the background, the shower stops.)
Seven: "You underestimate her, and you forget, she has me."
(Even as the Queen's face twists in anger, Seven reaches over to the console and before the Queen can reply, she pushes the button.)

{Fade to black, and stay there.}