Mystery Series Theater 3000


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Wyld's Notes: Kes returns, and breaks my heart. I had SUCH hopes for "Fury" but it just fell short in so many places. I was planning on doing "Live Fast and Prosper" because to be frank, that sucked too. That was however a run of the mill suck, but "Fury" was bringing back Kes, and dropped the ball in no small way. Though I think I am going to have to work fast, because I am already seeing discussion on how bad it was hitting the net, so I don't want too many to go over all the areas to make fun of. As always I can be reached at

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This was written by a J/7er, heavy on the 7. If f/f themes offend you, you have my sympathy and my recommendation that you find something else to read.

(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
But the Queen decided she wanted Seven back
So she tracked down the USS Voyager and went on the attack
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Captain Janeway: "Janeway to Astrometrics."
Seven: "Captain Janeway to Astrometrics."
..and the rest
B'Elanna: "What's this "and the rest" nonsense???"
On Mystery Series Theatre 3000

{Fade in on the empty bridge of Voyager. Kes can be seen with her original short blonde hairstyle. She is clad in a light cream colored dress as she stands there placidly, like she has all the time in the universe.}
Harry (stepping form the turbolift and walking to his console): "Hi Kes."
Kes (her grin looking shy, but her eyes twinkling): "Hello Harry."
Harry (his hands slamming down to grip his console) : "KES?"
Kes (grin softening to a smile): "How are you Harry?"
Harry (eyes wide and reaching to his commbadge): "Me? Oh I'm fine."
Kes: "No need to bother the rest of the crew. They are busy getting ready for the experiment."
Harry: "How do you… oh right, that higher state of being thing."
Kes: "That "thing" also let me know you will be needing my help."
Harry: "What makes you say that?"
Kes: "Kes" returns this week."
Harry (wincing): "Sorry."
Kes (smiling again): "It's all right, but I think we should join the crew in the theater."
(Harry nods, and walks to the turbolift, seeming startled when Kes joins him.)
Kes: "I've never liked to show off."

{The scene changes to the theater with the crew in their customary seats, (left to right) Seven, Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim's empty seat, Paris, B'Elanna, and the Doctor. Kes and Harry's silhouettes entering on the right.}
Janeway: Kes?"
(Then entire crew except Seven stares wide eyed and slack jawed while Harry takes his seat and the Doctor smiles as his former assistant sits down next to him.)
Paris: "You picked one hell of a time for a social call."
Kes: "It was your suffering that told me you needed my help, and when I found out "I" was returning this week I knew I could not delay."
All (but Harry and Kes, wincing): "Sorry."
B'Elanna: "I don't suppose you could just "help" us home?"
Kes: "That would mean pushing you through far too many experiments all at once."
Chakotay: "How many?"
Kes: "It's better you do not know."
(The crew shifts around rather uncomfortably.)
{In her ready room Janeway reveals to Tuvok she found out his birthday getting his cake from the replicator.}
Tuvok (as himself): "A spray painted, blue plastic dome. You shouldn't have."
Paris: "Neelix must have made it… oops, sorry Kes."
Kes: "It's ok Tom, you've never let my presence stop you from mocking Neelix before."
(Everyone grins at Tom.)
Janeway: "You would still think that the "replicator" would make a better looking cake."
{Janeway tells Tuvok to blow out the candle, and he says it is not a Vulcan custom. To which she asks him to humor her.}
Tuvok (as himself): "That is THIS Vulcan's custom."
{The captain is called to the bridge for a small craft that turns out to have Ocampan life signs.}
Kes (as Harry): "Completely normal, non-super powered Ocampan life signs."
Harry (as himself): "Ocampan life signs that bare no resemblance what so ever to all the times I've seen Kes on the sensors."
{An elderly Kes appears on the viewscreen.}
Janeway: "Of course we wouldn't recognize her life signs. It would ruin the dramatic reveal."
Kes: "It appears returning to the series has not agreed with me."
{Kes asks for permission to come aboard, that Janeway gives, and then rams the ship.}
Paris: "I guess the transporters are not fast enough for her."
{Kes is seen walking down the hallways with bulkheads exploding behind her.}
Kes: "I may be angry at the crew, but that's no reason for me to be so rude."
Chakotay: "You're probably angry that you were had to use a regular transporter instead of your own recorded powers. So you're showing them off now."
{On the bridge Harry detects the bulkhead ruptures, and Tuvok finds Kes walking through those sections.}
Tuvok (as himself): "I fed the sensors a "basic logic" parameter."
{Tuvok detects she is radiating massive amounts of neurogenic energy.}
Harry (as Tuvok): "Now."
{After there is a hull breach Janeway calls for shields and sends security.}
Janeway (as herself): "Blowing up a couple decks worth of bulkheads is one thing, but when you start breaching the hull I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
{They detect Kes heading towards engineering, and Janeway warns them about an intruder alert.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "So THAT'S what all the explosions and flashing lights were about."
{Kes is confronted by two security officers, and seems exhausted by dealing with them.}
Kes: "Well, if I wasn't blowing up everything behind me I wouldn't be so tired."
{Kes enters engineering and knocks over a armed B'Elanna and Seven. She then steps to the warp core and places her hands on it.}
Seven: "Apparently her attack damaged my phaser to the point that I can not pick it back up."
{Kes kills B'Elanna when she tries to shut down the warp core.}
Paris: "What the hell!"
B'Elanna: "Think of it this way Tom, I'm out of the episode."
Paris: "There is that."
Seven: "I guess I must be hoping for B'Elanna's position because I don't seem to be effected by her death."
Kes: "Apparently I was too tired to knock her down again, so I killed her out right."
Doctor: "Kes must have drained so much energy that my program can not get there and try to revive her."
{The elder Kes appears in engineering, and transforms into a younger looking Kes.}
Kes: "It may be vanity, but why didn't I do that sooner?"
Chakotay: "Could have made getting on the ship and into engineering a lot easier."
Tuvok: "If a time traveler can appear in a busy engine room and transform with out notice I think I will need to retrain your engineering crew."
{A younger version of B'Elanna walks in talking to a crewmember.}
B'Elanna (looking at her earlier hairstyle, Janeway's current one, and Seven's bun): "What? Are we trading hair styles?"
{Kes gets to sickbay, and the Doctor says he thought she was in the airponics bay gathering herbs.}
Paris: "THAT explains how you ate the cooking. You were growing "herbs"."
{She says she forgot something.}
Kes (as herself): "I forgot how much you like to talk."
{The Doctor considers names.}
Doctor: "Well everything old is new again, so it makes sense that gag gets resurrected."
Harry (as the Doctor): "I am considering the hologram formerly known as the EMH."
Doctor: "That one as well."
{She suggests the Doctor think about it while she tries to walk out with something behind her back.}
Doctor: "This must be very early in my activation if I don't pick up on that."
Kes: "So I can knock people over, but I can't knock them out?"
{Kes walks out while the Doctor is talking.}
Seven: "It appears Kes picked up an attitude while she was away."
Kes: "I thought it was necessary to be one of the "Women of Voyager."
(Seven, Janeway, B'Elanna and Kes grin.}
{The younger Kes gets knocked out by the elder Kes.}
Doctor: "I must have thought Kes went to the airponics bay, went to her quarters and changed, and THEN came to sickbay."
Kes: "My enhanced abilities must not be able to remember what I was wearing the day I chose to go back to."
{Kes enters sickbay to get coffee for the captain, and Neelix says it is very considerate.}
Seven: "Also very necessary."
{Kes cancels her date with Neelix.}
Kes: "I guess in exchange for my powers I lost all ability to act nice."
Harry: "I think the idea is that THIS Kes has been through a lot."
Kes: "Yes, but you have to figure this was something I was preparing for, and I should have prepared myself for dealing with others."
{In the captain's ready room Janeway and Chakotay talk about the Vidians, and Chakotay wonders how they would act if they were in a similar situation.}
Seven: "If your technology was as advanced as theirs you could create cybernetic replacements."
B'Elanna: "Yeah, but then we would all turn into machines."
Seven and the Doctor: "This would be a bad because…?"
Chakotay: "Actually I believe we have been in similar situations."
{Kes walks in with the coffee, and Janeway says she read her mind.}
Janeway: "A cute blonde, just what I needed."
{Kes spills some coffee, and Janeway tells her not to worry about it.}
Seven: "The captain's desk has seen plenty."
(Janeway gives Seven a grin and a playful elbow to the ribs, which causes Seven to grin as well.)
{On the bridge Tuvok tells the captain Ensign Wildman has an interesting proposal.}
Janeway (as herself): "I'm sorry ensign, but I am saving myself for Seven of Nine."
{Wildman says that they have discovered the phage has compromised the Vidiian's immune system.}
Doctor: "Hummm… infected with an horrific disease, adding incompatible organs on a regular basis… gee ya think?"
{Kes leaves the captain's ready room and heads to the turbolift, Tuvok tracking her passage.}
Tuvok (as himself): "No, I am a married man, these thoughts are wrong!"
{In the conference room Janeway suggests programming the ship to get them through a stretch of subspace vacuoles.}
Paris (as himself): "Of course captain, I am sure the ship is better to get us through a suspected ambush then I am."
{Janeway says that the computer's gel packs can react faster the Paris.}
B'Elanna: "The replicator can think faster then Tom."
{Tuvok suggests the Delta Flyer, and the crew doesn't know what he is talking about.}
Tuvok (sounding ill): "You mean "I" am the one who suggested the name to Paris?"
{In a shuttle in the shuttle bay Kes and Paris talk about home. Paris saying for him that home means a penal colony.}
B'Elanna: "Paris, for you home IS a penal colony."
{Kes says she does not know how to fly a shuttle, and Paris says why doesn't she learn from the best.}
Kes (as herself): "Isn't Commander Chakotay busy?"
(Kes and Chakotay share a grin while Tom looks slightly offended.)
Paris: "Say what you want, at least she seems genuinely warm to me."
{Stepping to a turbolift, Tuvok sees Naomi, and he demands she identify herself. Which she does.}
Seven (as Naomi): "It's me, Naomi, resident cutie pie."
Kes: "Wait, are the writers trying to say I would sacrifice Naomi and the Borg CHILDREN? I don't get that angry."
{Tuvok follows her into Cargo Bay 2, where he finds Seven and the Borg twins regenerating.}
Tuvok: "I seem to be reacting well to finding Borg alcoves on the ship."
{Kes trashes the room when she finds a message from Neelix.}
Kes: "I have a lot of anger inside don't I?"
{Kes offers the crew to the Vidiian's in exchange for passage to Ocampa.}
Tuvok: "Passage to a planet filled with healthy, almost entirely defenseless "donors."
{She says they abandoned her long ago.}
Kes (feigning tears as herself): "That Janeway cast me aside for some cybernetic hussy!"
{Kes enters airponics and opens a drawer to scan her younger self.}
Kes: "I look rather well for being locked away with out food, water or any other nutrients."
{Kes touches the computer and overrides the security lockouts on the tactical database.}
Tuvok: "I guess it also took care of the programs to detect all access to the tactical systems."
{In the captain's office Tuvok tells Janeway about his visions of Naomi, Seven and the twins.}
Janeway (voice getting husky as herself): "A woman with cybernetic implants in a skintight biosuit? Tell me more."
Tuvok (as himself): "I recognized the alcoves as Borg technology, but I didn't think that was important."
{He says the visions evoked a sense of anticipation.}
Janeway (as herself): "That's ok, Seven has the same effect on me."
{Janeway sets up a constant scan around Tuvok in case he has any more visions, and he says it is a logical plan.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Not as logical as checking the sensors from my previous vision, but I'll give credit where it is due."
{Janeway is called to the bridge where Chakotay says that it is there last chance to go around the vacuoles, and Janeway compares it to sneaking through a graveyard at midnight.}
Janeway (as herself): "A graveyard we know is filled with zombies."
Tuvok (as himself): "While it is tactically sound to force a confrontation it is only when done on your own terms, and not in an area chosen by your enemies."
{Paris says the trip through the vacuoles will take 3 hours, 12 minutes, and 11 seconds, and will involve 216 course changes.}
Paris (as himself): "We will be showing the Pauly Shore movie, "Bio-dome."
Harry: "Tom! Aren't we suffering enough?"
{Harry detects a vacuole changing position, and notes the computer is compensating.}
Harry (as himself): "Five seconds in, and it's already going to hell."
{Janeway goes to sickbay and after talking about the Vidiian pathogen Janeway asks the Doctor when he last examined Ensign Wildman.}
Doctor (as himself): "Just what are you trying to imply?"
{She asks if Wildman is pregnant.}
Doctor (as himself): "Again, what are you trying to imply?"
{The Doctor refuses to tell Janeway claiming Doctor/Client privilege.}
Janeway: "Your enjoying that."
Doctor: "Who? Me? Never!"
{Janeway leaves sickbay with out telling the Doctor how she knew Wildman was pregnant, and he talks about how he is thought rude.}
B'Elanna: "Yes, but at least we are willing to say it to your face."
{Walking down the hallways Tuvok has a series of audio hallucinations.}
Tuvok (as himself): "These aren't the normal voices in my head?"
{After entering engineering and being questioned by B'Elanna he see her death.}
Paris: "Oh great, an instant replay! Why not just do the slow motion and kill of that last bit of my happiness?"
(B'Elanna smiles fondly, and rests Tom's head to her shoulder.)
{Tuvok collapses in engineering and is taken to sickbay where Kes gives him a shock by turning up his cortical stimulator.}
Doctor (as himself): "All our normal cortical stimulators are broken, so we have to use one with that unsafe dial on the side instead of being controlled by the computer."
Kes: "My powers must have told me about Tuvok's visions, because I can not find any other way I would have learned of them."
{Janeway is in sickbay looking at the unconscious Tuvok. She then asks the Doctor if she can speak with him, but he says he thinks he should be kept sedated.}
Janeway (as herself): "That's ok, he's much easier to talk to when he's unconscious."
{Janeway asks Kes about her telepathic abilities, and asks if she has felt anything unusual in the past few days.}
Kes (as herself): "Well yes Captain, but I'm sorry. I'm seeing Neelix."
{Kes looks troubled after talking to Janeway.}
Kes (as herself): "I have to finish this quickly, Captain Janeway is wearing me down."
{In her quarters Kes talks to a Vidiian.}
Kes: "Couldn't I find someone less icky to betray Voyager to?"
Seven: "That's does make me wonder why you chose that time to travel back to when you could have went back to a time before you had encountered Voyager."
Tuvok: "It could be that the power source used is a temporal anchor point."
Kes: "Then I could have used Ocampan power sources, or a Kazon vessel, etc."
Harry: "I guess all the wisdom of a higher state of being is nothing compared to the power of the plot contrivance."
{The Vidiian's latch onto Voyager with boarding clamps.}
Paris (Cartoon Dr. Claw): "I've got you this time Gadget!"
{The Vidiian's get onto deck 3, but the Doctor can not get the environmental systems to deploy it.}
Tuvok (as the Doctor): "and the systems I could use to make canisters for security to use are down as well."
{On the bridge Chakotay detects the transmission from airponics with two sets of life signs, both Kes.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Neither one of them with any signs of tachyons."
{Janeway leaves the bridge saying they may have more then one battle on their hands.}
Seven: "The captain ladies and gentleman, the captain."
{In airponics the elder Kes finds the systems locked out, and wakes herself up to walk herself out to "home".}
Kes (as her younger self): "That's ok, it's only a few decks away."
{Janeway enters airponics to find the elder Kes carrying the young Kes.}
Janeway (purring): "There's TWO of her."
Paris: "How would you say that? Kesses? Kesi?"
{The elder Kes says she will not let Janeway hurt her again, and Janeway says she hasn't.}
Kes (as Janeway): "I am VERY gentle with her."
{Kes says her younger self is a prisoner on the ship.}
Seven (as Janeway): "She knows the code word to get untied."
{Kes says she was a child and Janeway corrupted her.}
(Kes and Janeway cough.)
Seven (as Kes): "Not that I minded."
{Kes tells Janeway she found she could not control what she found, that it scared her.}
Kes: "I'm sure baby birds are scared to leave the nest, but they have to be pushed out all the same."
{They manage to shake loose the Vidiian's boarding claws and the Vidiian's try a tractor beam.}
Paris (as himself): "Apparently they have been warming it up until this point, and had to use the claws."
{Harry says that there escape my rupture the hull, and Chakotay tells him to rupture it.}
Doctor: "I guess the testosterone treatments are taking effect."
{The scene changes to a shot of Tuvok at the warp core as the screen freezes.}
Kes: "I sense we are in the home stretch, we up for a break?"
{The crew makes a break for the doors while a calmly smiling Kes follows.}

{The crew has gathered again on the bridge. Captain Janeway stands like a cadet waiting a dressing down, while a slightly grinning Seven looks on.}
Harry (whispering to Seven): "You seem to be taking this rather well."
Seven (whispering back to Harry): "I know where her heart is now, I am just wondering where it was then."
(Janeways eyes look up then, a slight grin on her face. To which Seven arches her brow.)
Kes (smiling and resting a hand on Seven's elbow): "There is nothing to wonder about. I just wanted to keep the gag running."
Seven (nodding, then smiling after she finishes speaking): "Acceptable."
(There is a sound of B'Elanna lightly punching Paris in the arm)
B'Elanna: "Try not to look so disappointed."
Paris: "Ouch. I was going to say the same to you."
(There is the sound of B'Elanna punching Tom in the arm twice."
Chakotay: "Well Kes, will we need to put you back on the roster?"
Kes: "Well since I no longer have a corporeal form I don't think there is any rush. Perhaps we can leave it to the readers to tell the writer if they would like me to join you for more experiments."
Doctor: "I wouldn't feel right dragging you down with us."
Kes: "It's alright, my new state gives me the perspective that one day the writers will be dead. I find keeping that in mind helps."
Harry: "That DOES help."
B'Elanna (seeming dreamy eyed and distant): "They'll die, and then they'll burn for the way they have dishonored Roddenberry's vision."
(B'Elanna sighs happily.)
Janeway: "On that note we'd better head back. It's almost done."

{The screen comes back to life with Tuvok holding his hand towards the warp core. Janeway mentioning they don't know when.}
Doctor: "She has a physical form, it can be dated."
Seven: "I guess there are so many tachyons we can not read them to make any estimates on how far back she traveled."
{They question Kes in sickbay, and when the Doctor starts to join in Janeway deactivates him.}
Janeway: "Ahh the good old days."
{Janeway says they will need Kes to help them so it won't happen again.}
Janeway (as herself): We are going to kill you know. So we don't have to kill you later."
{The replay of Tuvok's birthday scene.}
Paris: "Maybe she will let the number slip this time."
Janeway: "My lips are still sealed."
(Seven pouts.)
Harry: "That's not a cake. It's a spray painted plastic bowler hat!"
Chakotay: "I think you got it Harry."
{When they detect the ship with the Ocampan life signs Janeway says she almost forgotten and calls for red alert, which confuses Chakotay.}
Kes: "You FORGOT killing me?"
Janeway: "Are they saying I didn't bother to tell my first officer about knowing that Kes will come back one day to try and destroy the ship? I think I owe you an apology Chakotay. If my character has that kind of attitude your character is rather justified in disobeying orders."
{Janeway orders deck 11 to evacuate, and it switches to engineering to show B'Elanna evacuating everyone.}
B'Elanna (to Paris): "See? I 'm fine."
Paris (to B'Elanna): "See, you're back in the episode."
B'Elanna (sounding depressed): "There is that."
{Kes hails Voyager and tells Janeway she needs help.}
Kes (as herself): "Destroy this ship before the episode restarts and I have to go through this all again."
Tuvok: "That could be an explanation for your aged appearance. You may have been stuck in a temporal loop repeating the events, but aging during them."
(Everyone looks at Tuvok aghast.)
Tuvok: "My apologies, I did not consider how horrific that would be to consider."
{The elder Kes makes her way to engineering, where the warp core shuts down and a holographic Kes tells her how she can not blame them for her own decision to leave the home world.}
Doctor: "When did we install holo-projectors in engineering?"
Kes: "I doubt I needed a hologram to tell me that. Any member of the crew, or any member of the audience could have told me that."
{Janeway reminds Kes about making the recording 3 years ago to try to keep it from happening again.}
Kes: "So with all of my advanced mental powers I can not remember my time travel attempt to destroy Voyager, how it horrified me to know I was capable of doing it, or how it failed?"
Janeway (sighing): "Apparently so."
Kes (sighing): "Is there any way I can help the writers to a higher state… at least up into the primate family?"
{Kes says she remembers, and Janeway asks what she remembers.}
Kes (singing): "I remember when rock was young…"
{The scene in the transporter room where Neelix gives Kes some snacks for the journey home.}
Kes: "The important part Neelix played in my life and he appeared twice in person, and once in a recording? I would count how many lines he had, but I am sure it would depress me."
{Neelix stares and Kes asks if he sees anyone he knows.}
Kes (as Neelix): "Nope, don't recognize you at all."
{The scene goes to black showing the shuttle going off into space.}
Kes: "I may not like to show off, but I gotta get out of here."
{Kes transforms into sparkles of light and vanishes while the holodeck reverts to its normal grid and the crew makes for the doors.}

{The scene jumps to the bridge where Kes can be seen looking like she is regaining her composure as the crew piles form the turbolift.}
Kes: "What? I signed on for an experiment, and I am going to see it through."
(The crew seems to shrug, but nod as they man their stations.)
Janeway: "Ok, Mr. Paris made a suggestion we are going to try for this episode. I want everyone to think of one good thing, and one bad thing about this episode."
(Everyone groans.)
Janeway: "Come on, come on. Let's give it a try. I'll go first. Good thing, we got Kes back on the ship. Bad thing, we got Kes back in the series. Commander?"
Chakotay (taking a breath): "Good thing, Paris hadn't built the Flyer yet. Bad thing, he got the idea, Tuvok?"
Tuvok: "Good thing, I finally played an important part in an episode. Bad thing, I finally played an important part in an episode. Doctor?"
Doctor: "Good thing, we got to see my early triumphs in developing my humanity. Bad thing, we got to see my early abuses while I tried to get it recognized, B'Elanna?"
B'Elanna: "Good thing, we got to see that Doctor's earlier abuses. Bad thing, not even death kept me from appearing in the episode. Paris?"
Paris: "Good thing, I got the name for the flyer. Bad thing, it was from Tuvok. Harry?"
Harry: "Good thing, I was barely in this episode, and when I was it was in an at least slightly interesting space battle for the most part. Bad thing, I still can't seem to read a sensor display, Seven?"
Seven: "Good thing, B'Elanna and I seem to be working together better. Bad thing, I still didn't seem to care that a crewmate was killed right in from of my eyes. Kes?"
Kes: "Good thing, I have been able to see all my old friends after all these years. Bad thing, I had to watch some grotesque parody of myself caper around to do it."
Janeway: "See? That was easy."
All (but, Janeway in unison): "Yes captain."
{Janeway seems slightly shocked, but also amused as she pushes the button.}
{Fade to black.}