Mystery Series Theater 3000


Wyld's Notes: MSTies are a fearless lot, able to brave even the blandest of entertainment for the simple joy of mocking it vigorously. Yet no matter how brave or brash the MSTie there is one word that can strike terror into that otherwise fearless heart… Manos. A movie made by a Texas fertilizer salesman who wrote what he knew. "Manos: The Hands of Fate" is considered by many to be the worst movie the crew of the Satellite of Love has ever had to watch. I have found my Manos, the episode of Voyager I consider the worst of the worst. "Projections", amazingly enough it was written by Mr. Braga. As always, polite feedback, requests, or questions are welcome.

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This was written by a J/7er, heavy on the 7. If f/f themes offend you, you have my sympathy and my recommendation that you find something else to read.

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(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
But the Queen decided she wanted Seven back
So she tracked down the USS Voyager and went on the attack
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Captain Janeway: "Janeway to Astrometrics."
Seven: "Captain Janeway to Astrometrics."
..and the rest
B'Elanna: "What's this "and the rest" nonsense???"
On Mystery Series Theatre 3000

{Opening in the lobby of the holo-theater we see the bridge crew in a huddle. The shot changing to a shot looking up from the floor of the eight faces of the bridge crew.}
Paris: "I… I'm ascared."
Janeway: "We all are Tom, we all are."
Chakotay: "Could it really be that bad?"
Seven: "It was written by Braga."
(Chakotay winces.)
Paris: "B'Elanna, are you ok?"
B'Elanna: "Klingons don't get scared, we get mad, we get mean mad."
Tuvok: "Need I remind you that you are only half-klingon?"
B'Elanna: "Need I remind you that Vulcan's only suppress emotion, not eliminate it?"
Tuvok: "Sadly, you are correct."
Harry: "NO, we can do this! He stood three up, we knocked em down! We can do this too."
Doctor (looking skeptical): "None the less I have a full medkit with me, and I have the transporter room on alert to beam in further equipment, or beam out effected crewmen."
Harry: "BAH! We can beat em, come on! Beat em! Beat em! Beat em!"
(Slowly the rest of the crew starts chanting along with Harry, the chanting getting louder and louder until the crew is in a shout. As the huddle breaks they charge through the theater doors.)

{The crew is now seen in the theater seated: (left to right) Seven, Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim, Paris, B'Elanna, and the Doctor.}
Janeway: "Why do I feel a sudden affinity with General Custer?"
Chakotay: "I think the more pressing question is why I do."
Harry: "Bah on the both of you! We've been through NINE experiments, TWELVE episodes. The Queen hasn't broken us yet."
Seven: "Need I remind you who wrote this episode?"
Harry: "Whoop de doo! Brannon "Big Shot" Braga! We bloodied his nose before, We'll do it again!"
Paris: "Woah buddy, come on, deep calming breaths."
Doctor (moving over to use his tricorder to scan Harry): "Are you feeling well Ensign Kim?"
Tuvok: "I must concur, while you have had emotional outbursts they have rarely been aggressive ones."
Harry: "I got mad, I got mean mad."
B'Elanna (reaching around Tom to thump Harry on the back): "That's the way! We'll make a klingon out of you yet!"
Tuvok: "Projections" are bad for the outcome of this experiment."
{The screen comes to life showing a dimly lit sickbay. The Doctor materializing a second later asking for the nature of the medical emergency.}
All: "Were watching Voyager!"
{The Doctor asks the computer who activated him.}
Doctor (as the computer): "Furher Braga."
{The Doctor tries to hail Captain Janeway, and learns she is not on board the ship.}
Janeway (as herself): "If you care to leave your name and rank I will return your call as soon as possible."
{The computer tells the Doctor that there is no one left on the ship.}
Paris (as the Doctor): "That's odd, they abandoned ship 5 minutes after I announced my next slide show."
{The Doctor realizes the ship is empty.}
Chakotay: "Next thing you know we'll see him stripped to his underwear and dancing to Seager in the mess hall."
{The Doctor asks for the crew location.}
Seven (as the computer): "The crew is attempting to hide from the episode."
{He asks if they went on shore leave.}
Seven (sarcastic, as the computer): "Yes, the entire crew went on shore leave at the same time."
{The Doctor asks the computer for a status report.}
Tuvok (as the computer): "Characterization, offline, plot development, offline, continuity, offline."
{The Doctor accesses the bridge logs, where Captain Janeway tells they have heavy casualties, the warp core is critical, and the rest of the crew has abandoned ship except for her and Torres.}
Doctor (as himself): "Yet, she doesn't have a hair out of place."
Janeway (as herself on the log entry): "but I figured I should make a log entry before preventing the warp core breach."
B'Elanna: "That sounds about right, the men folk run for it while the women folk save the day.
{The Doctor learns all the escape pods were ejected.}
Harry: "So we had heavy casualties, and had to abandon ship so quickly we didn't have time to take any of the injured to sickbay?"
{The Doctor prepares to deactivate his program.}
Doctor (singing): "I'm so lonesome I could deactivate."
{A scene where the Doctor hears someone trying to get into the sickbay, and when he or she does not respond to him he prepares a hypospray. The Doctor never using it because B'Elanna pulls a phaser on him and asks him what he is trying to do.}
Seven: "That was quite the mouth full. I can not help but fear it's a taste of things to come."
Doctor (as himself): "Getting pay back for the jokes during my maintenance. I mean, "turn my head and cough" it may have been funny this first time…"
{B'Elanna says the ship sensors must have been damaged in the attack and that is why it did not register her life signs.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "and the sensors that detected all the other ships problems were so damaged they didn't see they were damaged."
{B'Elanna says they were hit with plasma torpedoes.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "and since we have never heard of plasma torpedoes we were caught completely off guard."
{The Doctor asks why the crew didn't return to the ship.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "They got while the getting was good."
{She tells him the Kazon captured the crew.}
B'Elanna (as herself): "Yet they seemed strangely happy about it."
{B'Elanna tells the Doctor he needs to help Janeway.}
Seven (as B'Elanna): "Some guy named Sullivan is chasing her around the decks."
{She tells the Doctor that she is sending him to the bridge.}
Janeway (as B'Elanna): "So get in the envelope."
{B'Elanna wishes the Doctor luck, and he says he thinks he will need it.}
Doctor (as himself): "I AM the focus of this episode."
{B'Elanna finally transfers the Doctor to the bridge, and he says that the bridge is bigger then he thought.}
Paris: "That's what she said."
B'Elanna: "No it's not."
Chakotay: "By the looks of the damage to the bridge, Paris threw another kegger."
{The Doctor tries to revive the Captain with a hypospray.}
Doctor (as himself): "One hypo of Turkish coffee should do the trick."
{As the Captain regains consciousness and tells the Doctor her last memories he tells her they were successful in stopping the warp core breech.}
Janeway (as herself): "Thank you, I was wondering if the ship had exploded."
{B'Elanna hails the bridge and tells them she has communications back up.}
Paris: "So she called them to let them know the phones were working."
B'Elanna: "What, it makes sense."
Harry (holding fingers up in a pinch): "By THIS much."
{Janeway asks the Doctor if he knows anything about bypassing a power relay, and he asks if it is anything like a coronary bypass.}
Janeway (as herself): "Well in the fact they both have the word bypass in the them."
{Neelix calls for help in the mess hall.}
Doctor: "Just where my new emitters are."
Paris (as the Church Lady): "How conviiieeenneent."
{Now in the mess hall Neelix says he hopes something busted a Kazon's skull.}
Paris: "What, one of his muffins?"
{Neelix asks the Kazon what it's like to look in the face of death.}
Paris: "He must have ordered the soup of the day."
{Neelix is seen throwing various kitchen items at a Kazon.}
Harry: "All he has to do is start saying, "Nuyk, nyuk" and we are all set."
{The Doctor crawls into the room.}
Doctor (looking like he's watching something fly through the air): "There goes the last of my dignity."
{Neelix wrecks his best sauté pan hitting the Kazon.}
Paris: "I know he is an invader, but I want to find someway to thank him."
{The Doctor sees Neelix is bleeding.}
Paris: "Finally, a worth while moment in this episode."
{Neelix says that no one gets the best of him in his kitchen.}
Paris: "Does this mean his cooking is on purpose?"
{The Doctor finds blood by his ear.}
Doctor: "Bleeding from the ears is a normal reaction of exposure to a Voyager episode."
{After being transferred back to sickbay the Doctor finds he feels pain, but says he is not programmed to feel pain.}
Harry, Tom, and B'Elanna: "Yet."
{The Doctor finds out the tricorder that could not register the crew, but can register his life signs.}
Tuvok: "That is illogical, if the Doctor's "life signs" could be read the tricorder would indicate something, even if it would be an unknown form of energy."
Paris (as the Doctor): "Brain scan, I don't have a brain."
{The Doctor asks for the facts on "Dr. Lewis Zimmerman." Whom the computer identifies as the CMO.}
(Seven seems distant.)
Janeway: "Annika?"
Seven: "I am just memorizing the computers "facts" I have a feeling they will be important later."
Chakotay: "So the computer's picture of the CMO is decked out in operations yellow."
Tuvok: "The writers must need clarification on what "operations" means."
{Janeway first attempts to shut down the EMH, then when that fails shuts down all the holographic systems. Shutting down herself, B'Elanna, Neelix, and the Kazon.}
Seven: "A programmable Kathryn."
Janeway (smiling): "Two words darling, Michael Sullivan."
(Seven shudders)
Paris: "Still, a B'Elanna I can turn off."
B'Elanna: "Paris, you've never had any trouble turning me off."
Harry: "Still, the Doctor's confusion is well done. It may be a bad script, but it's getting more talent then it deserves."
Janeway (as her now vanished self): "Well I'm gone."
B'Elanna (as her now vanished self): "and were not coming back."
{The screen freezes on a solitary, confused EMH as the crew gets up for the break.}

{The scene comes back on the bridge with the crew sitting at stations and on stairs, Seven standing in her normal posture, but with an aggravated look on her face. Captain Janeway is pacing slowly.}
Janeway: "Not TERRIBLE yet."
Harry: "Of course not, terrible would give us something to work with. It just sits, there with them turning, and looking, and looking and turning. It just never ends! Block after block of mind numbing NON-ACTION!"
Janeway (placing her hand on the ensign's shoulder): "Harry?"
Harry (looking up pitifully from his seat on the stairs): "I hurt inside."
(Janeway squeezes Harry's shoulder in silent support.)
Tuvok: "I must agree with Ensign Kim's assessment. It has taken the first half of the episode to reach the plot point. Which will inevitably lead to a hurried conclusion."
Doctor: (Looking up pitifully from sitting on the floor): "I don't want to be a real boy."
 Seven (sounding hostile): "It is inefficient, information is either overstated, or contradictory, but we will adapt."
Paris: "Seven's right! That which does not kill us only makes us stronger, right?"
Chakotay: "The episode is not over."
B'Elanna (tiredly keeping her engineering console, then moving to rest herself against Paris): "Well, we can see if today is a good day to die."
{The crew takes several deep breaths, steels their spines, and walk into the turbolift.}
Harry: "Was it wrong for me to hope it would open on a empty shaft so I could plunge to my doom?"
{The crew grin slightly as the doors close.}

{The screen comes back to life with the Doctor asking where Captain Janeway went.}
Janeway (as the computer): "She screamed "No more holograms!" and ran like hell."
{The computer tells him all holographic simulations were ended, and he counters that they are real people.}
Chakotay (as the computer): "Yes, but the writers have drained all life from them, so it's not that big of a leap."
{He finds the memory bank Captain Janeway is stored in.}
Doctor (as himself): "Strange, I also read Borg coding wrapped around the Janeway program."
{Reginald Barclay appears and says he needs to speak to the Doctor.}
Paris (as Torgo): "I watch the ship while the Master is away."
{The Doctor insists his assistant's name is Kes, and Barclay is distressed.}
Harry (as Barclay): "Kes is the pet name you gave me."
{Barclay realizes the Doctor is thinking as the EMH and gets worried. Then he tries to explain it to the Doctor, saying none of this is real.}
All: "Denial, we tried that."
{The Doctor asks if Barclay is trying to say the Doctor is a real person.}
Doctor (as himself): "How dare you say that about me?"
{Barclay mentions the Doctor's wife.}
Doctor (as himself): "Now you've got my attention."
Seven (narrowly speaking before Paris): "Mine too."
(Janeway throws Seven an arched look as they grin at each other.)
{Barclay says they should take it one step at a time.}
All (singing): "Slow the plot down matey, slowly the plot down, way hay, slow the plot down. Just give em a plot and they'll run it aground. They'll try so hard, to slow the plot down."
{Barclay tells him they are on a holo-program about studying long term isolation on a mixed crew of Starfleet and Maquis.}
Paris: "Well that seems a bit involved for a program idea."
(The crew looks left, looks right, then back at the screen.)
Seven (taking a deep breath): "Point one, if it were a holographic program it would have holographic instruments to read holographic life signs. Point two, if he was playing a role the computer would identify him as his character, not as himself. Point three, it would not recognize Janeway, or anyone else as a hologram since it is itself a hologram, an altered reality."
Seven: "Phew."
(Janeway smiles and gives Seven a kiss on the cheek.)
{Barclay tells him the radiation is keeping them from shutting down the program.}
B'Elanna (as Barclay): "and it welded the power conduits to a indestructible mass, destroyed the tools we could use to cut through the walls, and destroyed our hands so we can not pull processors."
{Barclay tells the Doctor he has only been there six hours, not six months, and it is all a simulation.}
Doctor (as himself): "Oh, it's a MAGICAL simulation that can condense six months worth of experience into six hours."
{Barclay tells him he is starting to believe he is part of the simulation, and the Doctor asks if he is having a psychotic episode.}
Janeway (as Barclay): "No, you are IN a psychotic episode."
{Barclay says he is sorry to do it, then slaps the Doctor.}
Paris: "Liar."
{Barclay says that he will be back, and tells the Doctor to go no where.}
Doctor (as himself): "The first duty of an imprisoned officer is to attempt escape."
{Barclay says that they need to terminate the program so it will disengage the arch.}
Harry (as Barclay): "Sure, the rest of the program is going nuts, but we figure that part will be ok."
 {The Doctor asks Barclay how he knows he is not an alien trying to get him to kill everyone on the ship.}
Chakotay (as Barclay): "Umm… because they aren't here?"
{Barclay hands the Doctor a tricorder, and has him scan for a wall.}
Tuvok: "So they equipped a holographic simulation with real equipment?"
{Barclay disappears, and the simulation resets.}
Seven: "You would think that if they were able to take the simulation to the beginning that they would also be able to take it to the end."
B'Elanna: "You would think so, wouldn't you?"
{The Doctor reenacts his first appearance with Tom, and Harry.}
Tuvok: "Here is the perfect opportunity missed. To have the holographic crew interact with the Doctor beyond established fact would also reinforce the question of hologram vs. human."
{The Doctor orders the computer to delete Tom and Harry.}
(The Doctor emits a long, contented sigh.)
{The Doctor says he needs to confirm his true nature.}
Doctor (as himself): "Thousands of philosophers have been working thousands of years. So it could take me the rest of the hour for such a complicated matter."
{The scene in engineering with Janeway trying to take Barclay and the Doctor to the brig for not answering her questions.}
Seven (sighing): "Another chance for a interesting story bites the dust."
{The Doctor explains the current situation to the holographic Janeway.}
Paris (holding fingers up in quotation marks): "See season 1."
{Janeway disappears.}
Janeway (as Barclay): "Is it in the program from the captain to be beamed to a Borg cube?"
{Barclay hands him a phaser to use on Voyager's holo-processor.}
Paris: "That's it Doc, at this point in any spree you really should turn the phaser. Turn it."
Harry: "Turn it."
(Paris and Harry start chanting "Turn it".)
Tuvok: "Do the deed."
(Everyone shoots a shocked look at Tuvok.)
{The Doctor says it is true, that he must be a real person.}
Doctor (wailing as himself): "Oh God!"
{Chakotay appears in the doors to sickbay and tells the Doctor to stop before he destroys the warp core.}
Doctor (as himself): "Don't try to stop me! I can't take this episode anymore!"
{Chakotay explains the Doctor's program is driving the simulation.}
Paris: "So the Doctor has a death wish?"
Doctor: "Could you blame me?"
{Barclay asks the Doctor if he remembers coming to the holodeck and running a holo-novel with in the past six hours, and the Doctor says he does not.}
Doctor (as himself): "Of course I don't remember this whole Voyager simulation nonsense either."
{Kes appears.}
Seven: "She is CUTE."
(The crew looks at her.)
Seven: "Well she is, isn't she?"
{Kes and Barclay try to convince the Doctor he is a human, and Chakotay tells him it does not matter that he is a hologram, but who he is.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Give it one for the Zimmer."
{The Doctor wakes up in sickbay, and they restate Chakotay's version of the Doctor getting caught running the holo-novel.}
Seven: "That must be for those who did not hear it all the first time."
{Kes gets all obsessive on the Doctor, and Barclay reappears, starting a montage that ends with the Doctor looking at an operations yellow clad Louis Zimmerman speaking in Janeway's voice.}
(Seven scrams, and the clutches Janeway, trembling as she holds her.)
Seven: "Now THERE is a nightmare image."
{The Doctor suddenly finds himself in a holodeck, set to its grid, with Captain Janeway holding his shoulder and asking if he knows who she is.}
Doctor (as himself): "My new Saturday night thing?"
Paris (as the Doctor): "You're not my real mom!"
{She asks if he knows where he is.}
Doctor (as himself): "Oh Auntie Janeway, I had the strangest dream, and you were there, and you were there, and you."
{Back in sickbay the Doctor talks to Kes about them being married, and she asks him not to tell Neelix, because he gets jealous.}
Paris: "Oh yeah, that won't make him suspicious."
{Kes explains the nature of questioning ones own identity and asks if he is sure about that. To which the Doctor goes to the sickbay door and sticks his arm out so his hologram vanishes from the elbow down.}
Doctor (as himself): "I am sure about one thing, I want out of here!"
{The screen fades to black as the crew makes a mad dash from the theater.}
Janeway: "Zimmerman, Zimmerman, why is that name familiar to me?"

{The crew is now back on the bridge all standing at there various stations. Tuvok's fists are clenched and he looks to be biting down a snarl. The Doctor seems to be contemplating his mobile emitter, and a button on it. B'Elanna is slumped at her console with her hair hanging over her face. Paris is sitting on the floor holding his knees and rocking. Harry is standing at his console while staring into space. Chakotay is sitting in his chair his fingers white knuckled on the grips. Seven is standing at the console behind the command chairs, leaning over with her head resting on the console. Janeway is sitting in her command chair nearly doubled over. The screen comes to life with the image of Braga from his hell desk.}

Braga (smiling widely): "Ahh I see you got the meaning of today's episode."
Janeway (looking up): "What is that?"
Braga: "That believing in yourself is useless, you will be shaped and defined by those with more power than you."
Seven (looking up, massaging above her cortical implant): "Then you failed."
Braga: "Did I? You all look sufficiently demoralized. Shall I call the Queen so you can surrender Seven?"
(Each member of the crew, one by one, looks up at the screen, and shakes their heads no.)
Tuvok: "I shudder to think of the fate she would have in the hands of the Queen, and you."
{Eight sets of eyes lock on Braga, continuing to shake their heads no.}
Janeway: "You failed."
{Eight sets of tired eyes stay locked on Braga, continuing to shake their heads.}
Braga: "What? I'm evil, what do you expect?"
Janeway: "Push the button Harry."
{Fade to black.}