Mystery Series Theater 3000

Fair Haven

Disclaimer: This is done for purely entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or is intended to. This is not meant to infringe upon the rights held by Paramount, Best Brains, or any others. Any other rights are reserved. This was written by a J/7er, heavy on the 7. If f/f themes offend you, you have my sympathy and my recommendation that you find something else to read.

Dedication: First, this is dedicated to Gina L. Dartt. While this has no connection to her "Just Between" stories, I was heavily influenced by her works and you will find tributes to her at various spots. It is also dedicated to all my new friends I have made at Sandrines. I hope everyone enjoys.

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(Sung to the Love Theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Sometime in the Distant Future
Round the end of season three
Voyager found itself in Borg space
Drones as far as the eye could see
Then they lucked out and met a drone
Who got the Collective to leave them alone
But the Queen decided she wanted Seven back
So she tracked down the USS Voyager and went on the attack
Bridge Crew Roll Call
Captain Janeway: "Janeway to Astrometrics."
Seven: "Captain Janeway to Astrometrics."
..and the rest
B'Elanna: "What's this "and the rest" nonsense???"
On Mystery Series Theatre 3000

            The bridge of the Starship Voyager is deathly silent as the crew looks around them. Kim then says, "It's quiet." Paris immediately chiming in with "Too quiet." Shooting her two crewmen a glare that would rate around a 4 she said "Report". Still hunched over her terminal Seven was her constant calm as she spoke. "We are currently held in a Borg tractor beam, but I was able to enter the Queens access code to keep Drones from beaming over or further weapons from being activated."
        Slightly astonished Captain Janeway asked, "Where did you get the Queens access code?" but any reply Seven would have offered was cut short by the view screen coming to life with the face of the Borg Queen. "Lower your shields, and surrender Seven of Nine and you will not be harmed." Janeways eyes narrowed while she squared her shoulders under the band of command red. "If you were able to harm us you already would have. You can't hurt us, and you can not assimilate us, I think that about leaves you out of options."
        The Queens voice was low, rumbling with a barely restrained menace. "Not quite Captain Janeway. I am holding you, and I can keep on doing so, you will not move one step closer to home until I say so." That husky purr had turned into more of a growl "Then we are at an impasse, your not about to get Seven from me, and you have no way to compel us to do otherwise, except sitting here with us for the next few decades."
        For several moments the Queen was silent "The span of your lifetime is meaningless to us, we are eternal, but ever since you…. Removed Seven from us you have made her weak, vulnerable, and we can not leave her to share your rather paltry destiny…. We will release you, but we will add programming to your computer, when you are in position you will be able to view the alternate realities of Voyager. In fact you will HAVE to view the realities. They will be transmitted to your holodeck, and in a series of seats, you AND your bridge crew will be forced to see what could have, and perhaps will be fall you."
        Helmsman Tom Paris had went deathly pale and in a choked whisper he said "Dear God… no." With a motion the Captain cut the signal "Did you have something to add Mr. Paris? "Yes Captain, she's talking a MSTing. A form of mental torture in which the victims are forced to watch the worst of the worst events, time after time in hopes that it will shatter their sanity, and break their hope. Yet there is a competitive nature to it, a battle of wits while the victims mock and ridicule the events in a comedic manner while the tormentor seeks to find the film, episode or whatever event that will finally break the victims."
        Janeways face had taken a thoughtful expression all through her helmsman's dialogue. "So what you are saying is that we could fight back… Mr. Kim reestablish contact. "Queen, we accept your conditions, make your modifications, and send us on our way." "It is already taken care of, and I will send you on your way… to the holodeck, there is no time like the present to begin your pain, and it will continue until you give Seven back to me."
Door Sequence
The bridge turbolift doors open.
The bridge crew piles into the now empty car as Janeway barks "Holodeck 2".
Several moments of the car in motion as the crew shifts about nervously.
The car stops, and the doors open as the crew piles out the doors open as they approach, seeming ready for them.

The holodeck recreating a 20thcentury Movie Theater the crew takes a row near the front. Seating left to right Seven, Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim, Paris, and B'Elanna, in a flicker the Doctor is rerouted to the seat next to B'Elanna.

Doctor: "What the?"
B'Elanna: "I guess the Queen didn't want you to miss out on the fun."
Doctor: "What, the Queen? What are you talking about?"
Janeway: "To put it simply doctor, brace for impact."
{Scene Opens on the Fair Haven Train Station steam, hangs in the air as a train bell rings, and stevedores tote bags.}
Harry: "Fair Haven, that sounds promising."
Tuvok: "Ensign Kim, that would be an example of creating a false sense of security."
Paris: "B'Elanna I know we have been away from a starport for several years now, but have we been reduced to the use of steam engines and stevedores?"
{Paris enters the scene in period attire.}
B'Elanna: "We should have known you would be involved somehow Tom."
{Paris says he is headed to Sullivans.}
Harry (as Paris): "I haven't had a drink in.. over 10 minutes!!"
{As the talk continues Timothy Ryan is mentioned.}
Janeway: "Does HE have a sister… named Jeri perhaps?"
Seven: "Captain?"
(Janeway tries to look innocent.)
{Paris approaches Harry.}
Paris (as himself): Harry, its Fair Haven, not "My Fair Lady."
{Pairs talk to Harry about the pig farmer & his rake.}
Harry (as himself): "I guess size does matter."
Seven: "Especially in accessories."
(Janeway promptly puts a hand over Seven's mouth.)
{Paris talks about Maggie's sister's wooden teeth.}
Harry (leering as himself): "Even better."
All (except Harry): "Ensign Kim!!!!"
{Paris says "No leprechauns."}
Chakotay: (as Paris) "They're all in the mess hall looking for the Lucky Charms."
{The Doctor pedals up and talks about Sundays mass.}
Doctor: "Ah yes, I call them sinners as I am stepping into the bar."
{The Doctor bets two shillings on Mr. Kim.}
Chakotay (as the Doctor): "I got them rolling that old guy as I was approaching Sullivans."
{The Doctor then tells said old guy he's off duty.}
Tuvok (as the Doctor) "You can quite literally burn in hell for all I care."
{Captain Janeway enters and talks with Sullivan. Where he says "Were all friends here."}
Seven (with uncharacteristic anger) "She's no friend of yours."
Janeway: "Seven?"
{Harry wins the arm wrestling.}
Doctor (in a dull monotone): "He won, on the holodeck, against a hologram, most impressive."
{After Janeway makes comment on the reversed harp the Doctor comments on her bring an aficionado of Irish history.}
Janeway: "I am?"
Doctor: "Apparently so."
Seven: "The only thing accurate in this rendition of the captain is the way the light catches on her hair."
(The rest of the crew looks at Seven, but she keeps her Borg impassive expression and her eyes on the screen.)
{The scene in Sullivan's closes and reopens in Astrometrics.}
B'Elanna (in a dull monotone): "Oh my, we are having a meeting in Astrometrics, what a break in protocol."
{As B'Elanna and Paris talk about the loss of warp and impulse.}
All: "There's no way out of this episode!"
{Janeway then says they are going to batten down the hatches.}
Janeway (as self): "The episode has only begun."
{The chat between Janeway and Neelix in the mess hall.}
Harry: "I want to crack a joke, but NOTHINGS HAPPENING."
{Janeway makes her first late night foray into Sullivan's and asks for tea.}
(All but Janeway.) "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot"
{Sullivan asks her what brings her to Fair Haven.}
Janeway (as herself): "A poor writer, with a bad idea who somehow got it on the air."
{Sullivan mumbles in Gaelic.}
Paris: "Hey that's dirty!"
{Janeway mentions her grandmother's temper.}
Janeway: "Luckily she didn't pass it down."
(All the rest, including Seven start clearing their throats and shifting in their seats.)

{Scene fades, and comes back in on the bridge of Voyager, the crew looking worn and tired, replicating drinks and leaning against consoles, protocol forgotten.}
Seven: "While I can not end our view I can use the queen's access code to give us breaks like this."
B'Elanna: "Gee Seven you seem to be pulling the rabbits out of the hat this time."
Seven: "From what I have been able to determine the author is quite infatuated with me."
Janeway: "Something we will have to use to our full advantage."
Seven: "Of course captain"
(Giving Seven a smile Janeway continues.)
Janeway: "Unfortunately I doubt it will help me this time. I have a bad feeling about this episode."
Seven: "Irrelevant, we will prevail."
(The first smile barely faded Janeway gives Seven an even warmer smile.)
Harry: "I guess we are about to see because we have episode sign!"
{Keying his console the crew shuffles into the turbolift as the scene fades.}

{As it reopens it shows Janeway and Sullivan playing rings.}
{Janeway kisses the rings and says "For Luck"}
Janeway (as herself): "Maybe I can find a way to escape this mockery of an episode."
{Janeway misses and says "Damn".}
Janeway (as herself): "I'm still here!"
{Sullivans says how he was "Never one for readin."}
Chakotay (as Sullivan): "It's not manly enough, readin, bathin, just not for me."
{Sullivan's wife shows up.}
Paris: "Uh oh, the misses."
Harry: "How DO you deal with the arrival of the significant other?"
(Paris shoots a nervous look at B'Elanna.)
Paris: "I don't have to worry about that…. any more."
{Now in sickbay as the Doctor administers hyposprays. Janeway commenting on it being "High Praise from a hologram.}
Doctor: "I'd like to think my praise is highly valued regardless."
{Paris then comments on Father Mulligan taking a vow of silence.}
Paris: "If only, If only."
(The Doctor glares as the rest grin.)
{After they enter the shock wave and Tuvok says turbulence is decreasing.}
Tuvok (as himself): "You are now able to unfasten your seatbelts and move freely about the cabin."
{Janeway hopes that was the worst of it.}
(All groan, several at once murmur things like. "How long has she been a captain?" and "That's just asking for it to hit the oxygen scrubber.")
{In her personal log Janeway talks about Paris not programming him to her specifications.}
Harry (deep announcer like voice): "Tom Paris- holo-pimp"
{Janeway details her modifications for Sullivan.}
B'Elanna: "Jeez why doesn't she just dress him in a biosuit?"
(Janeway shoots B'Elanna a glare as Seven arches an eyebrow.)
{The scene reopens on Tuvok's spacesickness in mess hall.}
Tuvok: "I think I'm looking pretty good for having been exposed to this much of the episode."
{Tuvok mentions his symptoms.}
Doctor (baby talk voice): "He's gotta tummy ache."
{Harry walks in with Paris discussing adding bog.}
Harry: "and we all know holodecks revolve around realism."
{Tuvok mentions he has no intention of going to Fair Haven.}
Tuvok (as himself): "I refuse to have anything to do with this episode."
{Harry and Paris put salt in the spacesickness wound.}
Janeway: "Sadly to say their sense of humor has not advanced one iota since the lame prank from Mr. Tuvok's promotion."
{Tuvok leaves to consult the doctor.}
Tuvok (as himself): "Perhaps I will be able to convince him to put me in stasis until this is all over."
{Janeway in period garb searches Fair Haven for Sullivan.}
Chakotay: "I've heard of making yourself UP for a date, not down."
{Sullivan mentions he likes to hear the trains coming and going.}
(Paris draws a breath, but gets a smack from B'Elanna before he can complete the thought.)
{Janeway and Sullivan talk about the King of the Faeries}
Janeway (as herself): "All that is nonsense, now little green men… ok there are not exactly little, and not all of them are green…"
{Sullivan asks her if she has a man at home waiting for her.}
(The rest of the crew except Janeway look at Seven.)
Seven: "What? I'm saying nothing, I have nothing to say."
{Sullivan asks Chakotay if he cares to join them.}
Chakotay (as himself): "Sorry, I don't swing that way."
(Muttering under his breath "At least not with you holoboy." Looking between Janeway and Seven.)
{Chakotay says "Looks like the worst is yet to come."}
Janeway: "If that scene in Fair Haven is any indication."
{Janeway says they still have two days.}
All scream: "Two days!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"
{Chakotay asks if the hills and hearts are in Ireland.}
Janeway: "Tremendous logic number one."
{Chakotay mentions how it wouldn't stop him.}
Chakotay: "Of course that doesn't say much about me."
{In the Fair Haven dance Janeway asks Sullivan if the band is getting tired or he is.}
Paris: "Seems Mr. Hologram's having endurance problems."
Seven (with superior Borg expression): "Captain Janeway can be a quite a test of endurance."
(Janeway fights a blush while the others except Seven snicker.)
{Sullivan asks if he can kiss Janeway and she replies "I may even kiss you back."}
Janeway (as herself): "Or I may just knee you in the crotch."
{Sullivan asks if anything is wrong.}
Janeway (as herself): "This whole scene is wrong."
{Scene fades into Janeway in her ready room disposing of the books.}
Harry: "Ok I am sure they were excited to get Captain Kathryn Janeway for the recycling commercials, but that's all the enthusiasm she can muster it's not gonna happen."
{Neelix mentions the Doctor's musical number.}
Seven: "Query, "Danny Boy"?"
Paris: "It means the Doctor will be singing in this tragedy of an episode. Like adding insult to injury."
(Seven falls silent, seeming contemplative.)
{Neelix then mentions the talking pig.}
Doctor: "Essentially it's Mr. Paris wearing a collar and painted pink, but it's holograms so I don't think they'll notice."
{Seven's getting chatted up in Sullivan's where she mentions her superior hand/eye coordination.}
Janeway (as Seven): All the better to slap your head out from underneath that hat my dear boozehound."
{He gets Seven to sit with him and Paris attributes it to Old World charm.}
Janeway: "Or in other words pity."
Harry: "Ahh sweet pity, where would my social life be with out you… Who am I kidding!"
(Harry is getting more and more frazzled until he is standing up and shouting at the screen.)
Harry: "What about me?! What about my needs?! It says in the song "I'm just wild about Harry!!!" Not Katie, Harry, you hear me HARRY!!!!!"
(As Harry Kim begins to sob the Doctor applies a hypospray and the fast acting sedative knocks Harry out.)
Paris: "Sorry about that everyone, its been a bad day for him, he's been feeling rather high strung."
{They then find Sullivan drinking.}
Janeway (voice laden with sarcasm): "Even more to love, when do his virtues end?"
{Sullivan says he was a fool to think she cared.}
Seven (still distracted): "Yes, you were."
{Sullivan says how he drifted off to sleep at the lake.}
All: "Passed out."
{Sullivan Describes Katie.}
Paris (as Sullivan): "You know? Short woman, likes to give orders… for some reason she called me Seven."
{The hallway walk with the Doctor as father confessor and he tells her about Sullivan climbing the tree.}
Doctor (as himself): "He's now having a nice rest at Bedlam asylum."
{The Doctor mentions Captain Janeways feelings are much more complex.}
Seven (seemingly recovered, but with a slight smile on her face): "Tell me about it."
{Janeway admits becoming romantically involved with a hologram.}
Chakotay (as Janeway): "Now if I could just get the replicator to stop calling me."
{Janeway says the girl meets boy, girl modifies boy's subroutines.}
Paris: "I thought it was girl meets girl, girl separates girl from the collective."
{She talks about how Sullivan is just her type.}
B'Elanna (as Janeway): "Now all I have to do it make him blonde."
{Janeway mentions the snoring incident.}
B'Elanna: "Did she try smacking him in the forehead?"
(Paris grimaces.)
{The Doctor goes into his pro-holo spiel about the occasional dalliance with a passing alien.}
Seven (as the Doctor): "The not nearly frequent enough make out sessions in Astrometrics."
{The Doctor mentions Sullivan is as real as he is.}
Doctor: "and look how much success we've had modifying my program…"
{On the bridge as the weather started getting rough, and Tuvok states shields are holding.}
Tuvok (as himself): "They say our call is important to them.."
{Tuvok says shields are failing.}
Janeway (as herself): "Quick, get them into a mentoring program."
{Chakotay suggests the deflector dish.}
Chakotay (as himself): " THE Dues Ex Machina that will save the day!"
B'Elanna: "I thought Seven was our Deus Ex Machina?"
{Harry says they could drain the holodecks, but it would destroy Fair Haven.}
Seven (as Harry, who's still out) "Wait, Seven already wrecked it to power her alcove."
{Janeways scraping up every last bit of ships energy.}
Seven (speaking in hushed tones to Janeway): "But you never let me use the sonic setting when we are in the shower."
{As Paris and Harry survey the damages to Fair Haven Paris comments on how you can not just rewrite.}
Paris (as himself): "I mean this isn't like slapping together some Voyager episode."
{Paris goes to the ready room where he asks to rebuild Fair Haven.}
Janeway (as herself): "Not a chance in hell."
{Janeway keys the pad to the holographic research lab.}
Seven (as Janeway): "Strange, it's sealed with a Borg encryption code?"
{She orders the computer to activate Sullivan.}
Janeway (as herself): "and create one compression rifle."
{She says she has been thinking.}
Seven (as Janeway): "Of the perfect way to waste your holographic ass."
{Sullivan asks Janeway why she is leaving Fair Haven.}
Janeway (as herself): "The J/7ers have seized the bridge and taken hostages. The demands involve you, and a noose."
{Sullivan asks if it's another man.}
(All the crew but Janeway): "No, not a man."
{She says her friends think he is charming.}
Janeway (as herself): "Not as charming as say a Irish Setter puppy, but charming."
{Sullivan talks to her about settling down and Janeway says she's as ready as she will ever be.}
Seven: "Hummmmmm" (looking pointedly at Captain Janeway.)
(Janeway gulps.)
{Sullivan says she will not be able to forget Fair Haven.}
Janeway: "I don't doubt that, this will haunt my nightmares for quite awhile."
{Sullivan tells her he loves her.}
Janeway: "So will that."
{Janeway says she may be passing by again in six to eight weeks.}
All: "Ahhhhhhhh a sequel!!!!!!!!!"
{Janeway says "Computer end program."}
Janeway (as herself): "End this episode, and end it now!"
{Janeway says "Wait"}
All: "No, no more, please!!
Paris: "Whew, it's over."
{The holodeck goes back to black and yellow as the crew races to the door Tuvok and Paris carrying the unconscious Mr. Kim between them.}

{Back on the bridge the crew, minus Seven sits around panting like they have just come out of a fierce battle.}
B'Elanna: "Hey, where's Seven?"
Doctor: "She said something about wanting to end this on a positive note."
Harry (just regaining consciousness): "What I miss?"
Chakotay: "The rest of the episode."
Harry: "Oh good."
{At which point Seven enters the bridge. She is now wearing an outfit similar to her biosuits, except it is white, sleeveless and cut to expose her cleavage and back down to her waist. Carrying a microphone she sets it between Harry and Tuvok's stations. Janeway has frozen, in a trance, eyes locked on Seven. The rest of the crew smiling pleasantly, Harry Kim's eyes like saucers even as he smiles. As Seven draws a breath to sing she locks her eyes with Captain Janeway's.}

(Seven singing, and moving to the music. Seductive in movement and voice drawing in all those present.)

Tear down those walls
and come on in
Be a slave to the dark
a slave to the dark
Raise hell with me
and let's begin
Tempt me with those
hands at night
Won't you play me right
Just play me right
It's always good after a fight

{The crew had been smiling, enjoying Seven's performance, Harry some how managing to look ecstatic and miserable at the same time. At this point the Doctor glances over and sees Captain Janeways current state. First he shakes her shoulder, trying to get her attention, to no effect. Looking more concerned he waves his hand in front of her face. Yet nothing seems to distract her from the angelic vision before her. As Seven launches into the chorus he's reaching for his tricorder.}

Why do you fear my mind
But you want my body
They're one and the same
So come with me tonight

Make me Love U
Make it hurt
Make me love U
I like pain

{The Doctors looking at his tricorder, alarmed as he presses a hypospray into the entranced captains neck, again to no effect as Seven continues.}

Use your strength
Don't call it force
Take it slow just take it slow
Turn me on, with out remorse
I won't submit to your charms
Don't play games
It ain't no game
But I'll give in once in your arms

If you could hear my thoughts
You would know what's deadly
So hold on tight and get down on your knees
Get ready to please

Make me love U
I want U
Make me love U
You want me.

{At this point the Doctor has been on his commbadge and medical equipment is being beamed in around the catatonic captain and the Doctor as Seven continues her passionate verbal assault.}

My dreams are yours
as you'll find out
I can hear your heart from
across the room.
Take hold of me and
Then look out
Hold me down with
Those legs of steel
Just drive me crazy, drive me crazy
Then kiss me ever so genteel

Why do you fear my mind
but you want my body
They're one and the same
So come with me tonight

Make me love U
Make it hurt
Make me love U
I like pain

{At this point the Doctor slumps his shoulders, shrugs them, tossing aside his hypospray and tricorder, and sits back to enjoy Sevens performance.}

Make me love U
Make me love U
That's why I'm telling U

Make me love U
Come on, Come on
Make me love U
Make me love U
Make me love U

{Make me love U by Fem2Fem from the album Animus}

{As Sevens voice finally falls silent there is several moments of the bridge crew catching their breaths. After which resounding applause break out. Janeway still breathing deeply, her voice husky and deep, on the verge of a swoon.}

Seven: "Captain? Are you well?"
Janeway (skin flush, pupils dilated): "No Seven…. (her voice getting urgent) would you help me to my quarters?"
(The implant above her brow arching Seven smiles.)
Seven: "I will comply."
(By some miracle the crew manages to keep a straight face until the turbolift doors close behind the couple. A sound reminiscent of a pouncing seems to come from behind the door as the rest of the crew breaks into laughter.)
Chakotay: "Push the button Harry."
Harry (sighing): I will comply.

{Screen Goes Blank}